Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Ok...bring on your best or worst but leave everyone laughing 
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
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CerebroJD
Reply #702 Friday, March 7, 2003 7:38 PM
Reply #702 Friday, March 7, 2003 7:38 PM
If a blonde and a brunette fell out of a plane, who would hit the ground first?
The brunette, of course! The blonde would stop to ask for directions!!
The brunette, of course! The blonde would stop to ask for directions!!
mrtee
Reply #703 Friday, March 7, 2003 10:32 PM
Reply #703 Friday, March 7, 2003 10:32 PM
1) Identical twins, dressed exactly alike, stopped in to Cooney’s pub for a drink. Clancy staggered up to them, and stopped to look at them in amazement. Then he ordered another drink. Finally, one of the twins laughed and said, “Don’t get upset, you’re not really in such bad shape. We’re twins.” The Irishman took another look and said, “All four of you?”
2) Casey and Flanagan go on a holiday to Africa. They go out camping in the jungle. They are sleeping in their tent when Casey cries out in pain. Flanagan wakes up just in time to see a deadly, poisonous snake slithering out of the tent. “That snake bit me on my ass,” cries Casey. “Hurry! run and call a doctor and ask him what we should do.” Flanagan springs from the tent and runs two miles through the woods to a campsite where there is a pay phone. He calls a doctor and tells him what happened. The doctor says, “Listen carefully. You must go back to your friend and with a razor blade cut an X on the spot where the snake bit him and then suck out the venom. But do it quickly or your friend will die.” Flanagan runs two miles back through the forest and arrives at the tent. Casey looks at him anxiously and says: “What did the doctor say?” Flanagan says, “You’re gonna die.”
3) Murphy’s mother-in-law was walking around the farm, when his mule attacked her and she died. Five hundred people, mostly men, turned up for the funeral. After the funeral, Fr. O’Toole said to Murphy, “I never realised how popular your mother-in-law was. Imagine, five hundred people here for her funeral.” Murphy said, “Father, they’re not here for the funeral. They’re here to buy the mule.”
4) A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were up before the firing squad. Noticing how nervous the squad were, they hit upon the idea of giving them a shock to put them off their aim. “Flood!” yelled the Scotsman, and the soldiers dropped their rifles and ran away. “Earthquake!” shouted the Englishman, and again the soldiers fled. Then it was Murphy’s turn. “FIRE!” he yelled.
5) A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”
Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”
Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”
Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”
Manager: “Simple. The American put down on question # 5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down ‘Neither do I.’”
6) A new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross ad the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.......” He did not say, “Eat me.”
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14) Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
7) Some time ago there happened to be an Irishman looking for work. He was not qualified to do anything much so he couldn’t be choosy.He went to see a guy how ran a big business painting the lines on the roads of England.
The man hired the Irishman and asked him to start the very next day.The next morning the Irishman arrived on time and was very enthusiastic.The owner of the business handed Irish a brush and pot of paint.
That day the Irishman,keen to impress,had over a mile of the road painted.The foreman was indeed delighted with his new employee.The next day the Irishman arrived and worked all day but was only able to complete a half mile.Nothing was said,but it didn’t go unnoticed.
The next day came and unfortunately the Irishman didn’t even get 100 yards completed. The boss was very annoyed about this dramatic loss of performance and called the Irishman into the site office.
The boss was not pleased and questioned why the Irishman was taking so long to do short distances when he began so well....
“Ah that’s easy” Irish replied “The paint tin is getting further and further away from me while I work !”
8) As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Mary shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Mary’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: “Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin’ out tonight, and me without me bloomers on!”
9) After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken a back, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” ...and the Guinness president replies, “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”
10) The Irish missionary was preaching to the African tribe.
"And I say to you that you must love your fellowmen!"
"Moolagumbi!" shrieked the natives.
"White man and black man must learn to cooperate."
"Moolagumbi!" chanted the crowd.
The missionary was very pleased and he told the chief how pleased he was with the reception.
"I am glad, O man of Ireland," said the chief, "but be careful as we pass my cattle that you do not step into the moolagumbi."
Enough for now.
2) Casey and Flanagan go on a holiday to Africa. They go out camping in the jungle. They are sleeping in their tent when Casey cries out in pain. Flanagan wakes up just in time to see a deadly, poisonous snake slithering out of the tent. “That snake bit me on my ass,” cries Casey. “Hurry! run and call a doctor and ask him what we should do.” Flanagan springs from the tent and runs two miles through the woods to a campsite where there is a pay phone. He calls a doctor and tells him what happened. The doctor says, “Listen carefully. You must go back to your friend and with a razor blade cut an X on the spot where the snake bit him and then suck out the venom. But do it quickly or your friend will die.” Flanagan runs two miles back through the forest and arrives at the tent. Casey looks at him anxiously and says: “What did the doctor say?” Flanagan says, “You’re gonna die.”
3) Murphy’s mother-in-law was walking around the farm, when his mule attacked her and she died. Five hundred people, mostly men, turned up for the funeral. After the funeral, Fr. O’Toole said to Murphy, “I never realised how popular your mother-in-law was. Imagine, five hundred people here for her funeral.” Murphy said, “Father, they’re not here for the funeral. They’re here to buy the mule.”
4) A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were up before the firing squad. Noticing how nervous the squad were, they hit upon the idea of giving them a shock to put them off their aim. “Flood!” yelled the Scotsman, and the soldiers dropped their rifles and ran away. “Earthquake!” shouted the Englishman, and again the soldiers fled. Then it was Murphy’s turn. “FIRE!” he yelled.
5) A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”
Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”
Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”
Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”
Manager: “Simple. The American put down on question # 5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down ‘Neither do I.’”
6) A new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross ad the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.......” He did not say, “Eat me.”
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14) Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
7) Some time ago there happened to be an Irishman looking for work. He was not qualified to do anything much so he couldn’t be choosy.He went to see a guy how ran a big business painting the lines on the roads of England.
The man hired the Irishman and asked him to start the very next day.The next morning the Irishman arrived on time and was very enthusiastic.The owner of the business handed Irish a brush and pot of paint.
That day the Irishman,keen to impress,had over a mile of the road painted.The foreman was indeed delighted with his new employee.The next day the Irishman arrived and worked all day but was only able to complete a half mile.Nothing was said,but it didn’t go unnoticed.
The next day came and unfortunately the Irishman didn’t even get 100 yards completed. The boss was very annoyed about this dramatic loss of performance and called the Irishman into the site office.
The boss was not pleased and questioned why the Irishman was taking so long to do short distances when he began so well....
“Ah that’s easy” Irish replied “The paint tin is getting further and further away from me while I work !”
8) As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Mary shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Mary’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: “Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin’ out tonight, and me without me bloomers on!”
9) After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken a back, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” ...and the Guinness president replies, “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”
10) The Irish missionary was preaching to the African tribe.
"And I say to you that you must love your fellowmen!"
"Moolagumbi!" shrieked the natives.
"White man and black man must learn to cooperate."
"Moolagumbi!" chanted the crowd.
The missionary was very pleased and he told the chief how pleased he was with the reception.
"I am glad, O man of Ireland," said the chief, "but be careful as we pass my cattle that you do not step into the moolagumbi."
Enough for now.
Fuzzy Logic
Reply #705 Saturday, March 8, 2003 7:17 AM
Reply #705 Saturday, March 8, 2003 7:17 AM
Three tomatos sitting on a plate, which one is the cowboy?
None of them - they're all redskins...
None of them - they're all redskins...
Styl-X Design
Reply #706 Saturday, March 8, 2003 11:36 AM
Reply #706 Saturday, March 8, 2003 11:36 AM
Your village has called, they want their fool back 
CerebroJD
Reply #707 Saturday, March 8, 2003 12:09 PM
Reply #707 Saturday, March 8, 2003 12:09 PM
Whats the fastest way to get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave at her!!
Wave at her!!
Fuzzy Logic
Reply #708 Saturday, March 8, 2003 12:20 PM
Reply #708 Saturday, March 8, 2003 12:20 PM
Blonde comes home from school and tells mummy about her day...
Day 1.
Blonde: Mummy we've been counting today and I went all the way up to 17 and the other girls only went as far as 12, is that because I'm blonde?
Mummy: Yes dear, thats's because you're blonde.
Day 2.
Blonde: Mummy we've been doing our alphabet today and I went as far as M and the other girls only went as far as K, is that because I'm blonde ?
Mummy: Yes dear, that's because you're blonde.
Day 3. Mummy we've been swimming today and I've got really big breasts and the other girls are all flat, is that because I'm blonde?
Mummy: No dear, that's because you're 23...
Day 1.
Blonde: Mummy we've been counting today and I went all the way up to 17 and the other girls only went as far as 12, is that because I'm blonde?
Mummy: Yes dear, thats's because you're blonde.
Day 2.
Blonde: Mummy we've been doing our alphabet today and I went as far as M and the other girls only went as far as K, is that because I'm blonde ?
Mummy: Yes dear, that's because you're blonde.
Day 3. Mummy we've been swimming today and I've got really big breasts and the other girls are all flat, is that because I'm blonde?
Mummy: No dear, that's because you're 23...
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #710 Sunday, March 9, 2003 1:10 AM Fuzzy! The girls are gonna kill you!
Why Men are Proud of Themselves
----------------------------------------
1. We know stuff about tanks
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
3. We can open all our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade
7. We can kill our own food
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack
12. If you are 39 and single nobody notices
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
18. Same work-more pay
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
20. We can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends
22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades
27. We don't have to shave below the neck
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes
Reply #710 Sunday, March 9, 2003 1:10 AM
Fuzzy! The girls are gonna kill you! Why Men are Proud of Themselves
----------------------------------------
1. We know stuff about tanks
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
3. We can open all our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade
7. We can kill our own food
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack
12. If you are 39 and single nobody notices
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
18. Same work-more pay
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
20. We can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends
22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades
27. We don't have to shave below the neck
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes
princesshirmer
Reply #712 Sunday, March 9, 2003 8:39 AM
Reply #712 Sunday, March 9, 2003 8:39 AM
This is my silly contribution...
What do you call a dog with no legs????
It doesn't matter, he ain't gonna come when you call him anyway....
What do you call a dog with no legs????
It doesn't matter, he ain't gonna come when you call him anyway....
deleted
Reply #713 Sunday, March 9, 2003 10:41 AM
Reply #713 Sunday, March 9, 2003 10:41 AM
This is a hilarious animation: http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm
princesshirmer
Reply #714 Sunday, March 9, 2003 11:54 AM
Reply #714 Sunday, March 9, 2003 11:54 AM
Snarf must no that princesshirmer is a BLONDE..
IPlural
Reply #715 Sunday, March 9, 2003 1:00 PM
Reply #715 Sunday, March 9, 2003 1:00 PM
News Flash:
The United States Government announced today that it is changing the National Emblem to a Condem, because it more clearly reflects the goevernments political stance.
A condem stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of procks and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.
The United States Government announced today that it is changing the National Emblem to a Condem, because it more clearly reflects the goevernments political stance.
A condem stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of procks and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #718 Sunday, March 9, 2003 9:14 PM
Reply #718 Sunday, March 9, 2003 9:14 PM
A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined
one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his
indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They
could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they
would be permitted to speak two words.
After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was
now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Bed
hard!" And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was
time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Food bad!"
And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was
time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "I quit!"
The head monk shook his head and said, "I knew this was coming.
You've done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!"
one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his
indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They
could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they
would be permitted to speak two words.
After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was
now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Bed
hard!" And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was
time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Food bad!"
And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was
time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "I quit!"
The head monk shook his head and said, "I knew this was coming.
You've done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!"
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #719 Monday, March 10, 2003 7:24 AM
Reply #719 Monday, March 10, 2003 7:24 AM
Shorts
A guy walks into a bar...and it hurt.
----------------------------------------------
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
----------------------------------------------
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
----------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve food
in here."
----------------------------------------------
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
----------------------------------------------
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
----------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "A
pint for me please, and one for the road."
----------------------------------------------
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony was
boring but the reception was outstanding.
----------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"
----------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
----------------------------------------------
Daisy the cow: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
Dolly the cow: "I don't believe you,"
Daisy the cow: "It's true... no bull!"
----------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm
positive..."
----------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Just because he's cross-eyed??"
"No, because he's really heavy."
----------------------------------------------
They say that 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. By coincidence, there
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mother
or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But
I think it's Colin.
----------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
----------------------------------------------
I went to the butcher the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no bet, the steaks are too
high.'
----------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of raisin bran. He was pulled under by a strong
currant.
----------------------------------------------
A man came to in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've
amputated your arms".
----------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it burned and sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
A guy walks into a bar...and it hurt.
----------------------------------------------
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
----------------------------------------------
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
----------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve food
in here."
----------------------------------------------
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
----------------------------------------------
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
----------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "A
pint for me please, and one for the road."
----------------------------------------------
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony was
boring but the reception was outstanding.
----------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"
----------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
----------------------------------------------
Daisy the cow: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
Dolly the cow: "I don't believe you,"
Daisy the cow: "It's true... no bull!"
----------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm
positive..."
----------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Just because he's cross-eyed??"
"No, because he's really heavy."
----------------------------------------------
They say that 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. By coincidence, there
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mother
or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But
I think it's Colin.
----------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
----------------------------------------------
I went to the butcher the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no bet, the steaks are too
high.'
----------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of raisin bran. He was pulled under by a strong
currant.
----------------------------------------------
A man came to in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've
amputated your arms".
----------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it burned and sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
Kimbabe
Reply #720 Monday, March 10, 2003 12:02 PM
Reply #720 Monday, March 10, 2003 12:02 PM
Where is Mr.Xaltec hiding?
DARWIN AWARDS NEWSLETTER - 10 March 2003
The Darwin Awards honor those who improve our gene pool
by removing themselves from it. We commemorate men and women
who gave their all in an effort to improve the human species.
Of necessity, the honor is usually bestowed posthumously.
FAULTY AIM FATAL
Colorado | When Gerald was pulled over for erratic driving, he
decided to flee on foot, and fire a gun wildly over his shoulder
at the police pursuit. His aim was no better than his driving.
He shot himself in the head with his own weapon, bringing the
chase -- and his life -- to a sudden conclusion.
RETURN TO TREES FAILS
Hawaii | Millennia after an evolving human species descended
from the trees, 30-year-old Joshua reversed the process and
removed himself from the gene pool while perched in a tree,
stealing a branch from an expensive hardwood. To his credit,
he didn't make the mistake of cutting the branch supporting
him. Instead, he cut the branch directly above his head....
SNEAKERS
Pennsylvania | An employee of a camp for juvenile delinquents
was trying to remove sneakers dangling from the electric lines,
when his tool -- a pocket knife taped to a fourteen-foot copper
tube -- slipped and pierced the insulation. His death came as
a shock to no one but himself.
TIROL CHAINSAW SCAM
Italy | A poorly planned insurance scam ended in the death
of a man who had persuaded his cousin to sever his leg with
a chainsaw, in order to collect half a million dollars for
permanent disability.
HUMAN CATAPULT
England | A member of the Human Catapult Club climbed into
the bucket of a medieval trebuchet, and catapulted himself
out of existence when he missed the all-important safety
net 50 feet away.
TRUCK STOP
Bangladesh | Six highway robbers who sought victims by
blocking a bypass with their car at midnight, were crushed
by a truck that was unable to stop in time. Five dacoits
died, and a sixth was critically wounded. A cow was also
killed in the accident.
JET TAXI
Brazil | A 64-year-old taxi driver who sped onto the runway
after dropping off his passenger at the airport, was treated
to the blast of a 737 preparing for take-off. The man's tip
for the fare was a broken skull and thorax.
DAREDEVIL
United Kingdom | A man inspired by the urban building-jumping
craze misjudged a 20-foot jump between car parks, and fell
forty feet to land on solid concrete. A friend who was with
him at the time said, "We just did stupid stuff when we were
bored, like finding gaps to jump." The result was inevitable...
THE SMOKING GUN
Wisconsin | Two drunks were goofing around when one
challenged the other to shoot him with cigarette butts
to see how it felt. The target died of two cigarette butts
to the head and one to the heart.
*Kim*
DARWIN AWARDS NEWSLETTER - 10 March 2003
The Darwin Awards honor those who improve our gene pool
by removing themselves from it. We commemorate men and women
who gave their all in an effort to improve the human species.
Of necessity, the honor is usually bestowed posthumously.
FAULTY AIM FATAL
Colorado | When Gerald was pulled over for erratic driving, he
decided to flee on foot, and fire a gun wildly over his shoulder
at the police pursuit. His aim was no better than his driving.
He shot himself in the head with his own weapon, bringing the
chase -- and his life -- to a sudden conclusion.
RETURN TO TREES FAILS
Hawaii | Millennia after an evolving human species descended
from the trees, 30-year-old Joshua reversed the process and
removed himself from the gene pool while perched in a tree,
stealing a branch from an expensive hardwood. To his credit,
he didn't make the mistake of cutting the branch supporting
him. Instead, he cut the branch directly above his head....
SNEAKERS
Pennsylvania | An employee of a camp for juvenile delinquents
was trying to remove sneakers dangling from the electric lines,
when his tool -- a pocket knife taped to a fourteen-foot copper
tube -- slipped and pierced the insulation. His death came as
a shock to no one but himself.
TIROL CHAINSAW SCAM
Italy | A poorly planned insurance scam ended in the death
of a man who had persuaded his cousin to sever his leg with
a chainsaw, in order to collect half a million dollars for
permanent disability.
HUMAN CATAPULT
England | A member of the Human Catapult Club climbed into
the bucket of a medieval trebuchet, and catapulted himself
out of existence when he missed the all-important safety
net 50 feet away.
TRUCK STOP
Bangladesh | Six highway robbers who sought victims by
blocking a bypass with their car at midnight, were crushed
by a truck that was unable to stop in time. Five dacoits
died, and a sixth was critically wounded. A cow was also
killed in the accident.
JET TAXI
Brazil | A 64-year-old taxi driver who sped onto the runway
after dropping off his passenger at the airport, was treated
to the blast of a 737 preparing for take-off. The man's tip
for the fare was a broken skull and thorax.
DAREDEVIL
United Kingdom | A man inspired by the urban building-jumping
craze misjudged a 20-foot jump between car parks, and fell
forty feet to land on solid concrete. A friend who was with
him at the time said, "We just did stupid stuff when we were
bored, like finding gaps to jump." The result was inevitable...
THE SMOKING GUN
Wisconsin | Two drunks were goofing around when one
challenged the other to shoot him with cigarette butts
to see how it felt. The target died of two cigarette butts
to the head and one to the heart.
*Kim*
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Reply #701 Friday, March 7, 2003 7:23 PM
Three Beers
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers
and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking.. . .
. . . Hasn't affected my brothers though."