After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...
What the hell did you think I said?

Might be a bit old.... but it made me laugh!

Hell.... I AM english after all!



To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium" . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for "shit"

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.


Now i think it's time to hide!!

I can't believe I read this whole thread! It's great!

Will have to check in each day to see what is new!

jennyc, your nuts

But for a good laugh, all you have to do is read it.

Funny, Silly, and Dumb Quotes

"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always
agree with them." - George Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
- Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst

"Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old. He's
thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is."
- Ron Fairley, Giants' broadcaster

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Danny Ozark, Phillies manager

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information
in our heads."
- Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player

"Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
- Baseball Player Pedro Guerrero on reporters

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut
right out from under your feet."
- Ernest Bevin, British foreign minister

"I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of
continents."
- George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

mr. werewolf have you seen the one with all the Dan Quayle quotes?
I can't believe the things he said! I looked for it but I no longer have it, maybe you do?

I was flying to San Francisco this weekend, and the stewardess
reading the flight safety information had the entire planeload of
passengers looking at each other like "what the ****?".

So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she
said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but
this is most of it.

Before Takeoff....

Hello and welcome to Alaska flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're
going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not
going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of
this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this
plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane, 2 at the front, 2 over the
wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of
the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would
be a really bad idea.

Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count
the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the
need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have
pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction
of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones
at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop
down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the
flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's
oxygen there, I promise.

If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting
like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask
first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a
moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first,
and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my
own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty
pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened
low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing - not a pushy
thing like you're car cuz you're in an airplane, hello!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no
smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the
lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a
free service we provide.

There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing
exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight, hold on,
let me check what it is.......... Oh here it is, the movie tonight is
'Gone with the Wind'.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going
to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now
would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The
yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the
orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is
your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for
choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If
there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't
hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing
ovation wouldn't you?

After landing...

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the
bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's
fault. It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no
time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please
don't even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because
shift happens.


Don't forget guys, tomarrow is Valentines Day!

*Kim*

Crap, forgot to get something for my fiancée

Maybe ME would be fine?




JK, I did get her something. The big question is, does she deserve it?

Just in time for Valentines Day!


A Redneck Valentine

Collards is green my dog's name is Blue and he's all I know of that's purdier than you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have som'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like them far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger.

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His Mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his Mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his Mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his Mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White
house from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been sitting on a
park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would
like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer
president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked
away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said
to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President
Clinton." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer
president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just
walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with
President Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point,
looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have
been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton; I've told you already that Mr.
Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you
understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love
hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White
house from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been sitting on a
park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would
like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer
president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked
away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said
to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President
Clinton." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer
president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just
walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with
President Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point,
looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have
been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton; I've told you already that Mr.
Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you
understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love
hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

patience grasshopper

This is for Mr. Xaltec

Why Chocolate is Better Than a Man

Chocolate is sweet no matter what kind of mood you're in.
Chocolate stimulates endorphin secretion, which leads to euphoria. Every time.
Chocolate is always predictable yet never boring.
Chocolate doesn't have a preferred position.
Chocolate doesn't care if I weigh 120 pounds or 220 pounds.
Chocolate is cheap and easy but delivers like a King.
Chocolate doesn't talk back.
Chocolate isn't loud and obnoxious.
Chocolate doesn't need to have control.
Chocolate doesn't whine nor have PMS (but is very helpful on those days!).
Chocolate doesn't require the use of the remote control.
Chocolate doesn't feel the need to shoot a deer.
Chocolate doesn't tell me my opinion is incorrect.
Chocolate doesn't steal the covers.
Chocolate doesn't have to explain or convince me of how great it is.
Chocolate is good whether hot or cold.
Chocolate doesn't roll eyes or pout.
Unlike a dog, chocolate cannot get pregnant and have five babies.
A chocolate facial could be a beautiful thing.
Chocolate doesn't play games and isn't into sports YET Chocolate always wins.

Hope I get chocolate for Valentines Day

*Kim*

Kim

You are too much Kim!

Let's see if we can cheer this place up with a funny!

Armed with impeccable credentials, a man applied for a position with a top company.
Unfortunately, he had a problem with one of his eyes - it constantly winked.
"We'd love to hire you," said the company vice-president, "but that winking is too distracting."
"Wait!, I can make it stop by taking two aspirin," the applicant said.
"Okay, show me," the executive replied.
The job candidate reached into his pocket, pulled out a dozen condom packages and placed them on the desk before finding two aspirin.
He took the tablets, and the winking stopped.
"Thats' fine," the VP said cooly. "But we don't condone womanizing."
"no, no. You've got me all wrong," the man replied.
"Have you ever asked for aspirin at the drugstore while winking?".

Another flash for mindless chuckles!

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

http://www.solarnight.com/pbjt/

For some the romance never dies...

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

This is cute!

Think of a letter between A and W.

Now think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Repeat it out loud as read the next bit.

Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name.

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level

Look at you palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand

Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?

Of course not.......

Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid games!

Smile & have a great day!

CerebroJD

Very Good... but now my head hurts!

Ok guys, own up...which one are you?

Excitable Type
Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.

Sociable Type
Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.

Timid Type
Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.

Nosy Type
Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy.

Indifferent Type
All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

Clever Type
Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.

Vain Type
Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.

Absent-Minded Type
Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.

Worried Type
Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.

Disgruntled Type
Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.

Conceited Type
Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.

Sneaky Type
Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him.

Sloppy Type
Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.

Learned Type
Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.

Childish Type
Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing.

Efficient Type
Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time.

Strong Type
Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.

Drunken Type
Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers.

Embarrassed Type
Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers.

Cock-Eyed Type
Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.