Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Ok...bring on your best or worst but leave everyone laughing 
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
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werewolf
Reply #522 Tuesday, February 11, 2003 2:44 PM
Reply #522 Tuesday, February 11, 2003 2:44 PM
The Power of Words
Pythagorean theorem : 24
Words The Lord's Prayer: 66 Words
Archimedes' Principle: 67 Words
The 10 Commandments: 179 Words
The Gettysburg Address: 286 Words
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 Words
U. S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 Words
Pythagorean theorem : 24
Words The Lord's Prayer: 66 Words
Archimedes' Principle: 67 Words
The 10 Commandments: 179 Words
The Gettysburg Address: 286 Words
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 Words
U. S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 Words
werewolf
Reply #523 Tuesday, February 11, 2003 2:45 PM
Reply #523 Tuesday, February 11, 2003 2:45 PM
I don't remember if I got this from here or not...if so, my most sincere apologies. If not, enjoy:
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every
year. Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50
dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm
85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is
dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take
you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not
say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a
word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When
they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I
could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but
50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every
year. Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50
dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm
85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is
dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take
you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not
say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a
word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When
they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I
could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but
50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Xaltec
Reply #525 Tuesday, February 11, 2003 3:14 PM
Reply #525 Tuesday, February 11, 2003 3:14 PM
Tips for Moving South...Yee-Haw!
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, Have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, Have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Xaltec
Reply #526 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 8:56 AM
Reply #526 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 8:56 AM
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"
the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"
"Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda."
"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:
PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"
the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"
"Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda."
"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:
PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
Xaltec
Reply #527 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 9:01 AM
Reply #527 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 9:01 AM
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife!"
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife!"
Xaltec
Reply #528 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 9:02 AM
Reply #528 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 9:02 AM
*** Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem. ***
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after biting you.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
"BeerTender! Get me another Bar!"
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after biting you.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
"BeerTender! Get me another Bar!"
Xaltec
Reply #529 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 9:04 AM
Reply #529 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 9:04 AM
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says,
"Damn thing must be an hour fast!"
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says,
"Damn thing must be an hour fast!"
Xaltec
Reply #530 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 9:10 AM
Reply #530 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 9:10 AM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little b*****d. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his a**, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his a**, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little b*****d. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his a**, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his a**, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
Xaltec
Reply #531 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 9:17 AM
Reply #531 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 9:17 AM
starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up
Xaltec
Reply #532 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 9:54 AM
Reply #532 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 9:54 AM
Kirk might be a redneck if.....
Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob".
He refers to Klingons as "Critters".
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns".
He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.
He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies".
He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage".
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba".
He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster".
He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
He paints the starship John Deere green.
He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special".
He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp".
His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen".
His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol'
Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.
He sets phaser to "Cajun".
Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob".
He refers to Klingons as "Critters".
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns".
He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.
He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies".
He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage".
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba".
He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster".
He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
He paints the starship John Deere green.
He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special".
He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp".
His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen".
His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol'
Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies. He sets phaser to "Cajun".
werewolf
Reply #533 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 10:11 AM
Reply #533 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 10:11 AM
One afternoon a little girl returned from school and
announced that her friend had told her where babies
come from.
Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie?
Why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well ... OK ... the Mommy and
Daddy take off all of their clothes and the Daddy's thingy
sort of stands up and then Mommy puts it in her mouth
and then it sort of explodes and that's how you get babies."
Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her
eye-to-eye and said,"Oh,darling, that's sweet, but that's
not how you get babies ...that's how you get jewelry."
announced that her friend had told her where babies
come from.
Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie?
Why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well ... OK ... the Mommy and
Daddy take off all of their clothes and the Daddy's thingy
sort of stands up and then Mommy puts it in her mouth
and then it sort of explodes and that's how you get babies."
Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her
eye-to-eye and said,"Oh,darling, that's sweet, but that's
not how you get babies ...that's how you get jewelry."
KarmaGirl
Reply #534 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 11:12 AM
Reply #534 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 11:12 AM
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage'book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm? ".
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm. "
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm? ".
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm. "
Kimbabe
Reply #536 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 12:09 PM
Reply #536 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 12:09 PM
Where do you guys get all these jokes?
SOUTHERN TERRORIST ADVISORY ATLANTA
The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Georgia, and
Mississippi announced today that they have made a
disturbing discovery in their states. Apparently, a small
number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically
involved with local redneck girls.
The result is not pretty and they now have the sad
task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the
human race: Islamabubbas.
So far, only a smattering of actual births have been
reported, but Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is
hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To
date, the Coalition has identified the following children:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dundat
Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem
to have sprung from one couple:
Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin
*Kim*
SOUTHERN TERRORIST ADVISORY ATLANTA
The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Georgia, and
Mississippi announced today that they have made a
disturbing discovery in their states. Apparently, a small
number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically
involved with local redneck girls.
The result is not pretty and they now have the sad
task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the
human race: Islamabubbas.
So far, only a smattering of actual births have been
reported, but Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is
hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To
date, the Coalition has identified the following children:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dundat
Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem
to have sprung from one couple:
Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin
*Kim*
Xaltec
Reply #538 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 6:40 PM
Reply #538 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 6:40 PM
This is not what i would call funny.... but it struck a cord and i wanted to share.....
"In Memory of The Twin Towers"
Warning song to Osama bin Laden
(the tune of Rawhide)
The devil came from nowhere
He attacked us from the sky.
He bloodied up our nation
didn't give a reason why.
Now he's placed a spear in our eye
said its done it Allahs name
So God's coming lookin for him
And he's got himself to blame.
No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.
You defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
Just go hidin in your hills
You'll be buried in your caves.
You'll get what you've got comin now
For being Satans slaves.
You've woke the sleeping giant
From his legendary sleep
Now with open roar like lions
There's one promise he will keep
No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.
You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
So don't close your eyes a moment
Cause you surely see death there.
Don't waste your time in moanin
You just haven't got a prayer.
You chose to terrify the world
with your sensely killing spree
Brought violence into our lives
Placed hate inside of me.
No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.
You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
In this peaceful loving Nation
Home of brave and of the free
All are calling up your number
over land and over sea
We have seen the vileness in your soul
the horrors you create
Now this angry nations coming
look around we're at your gate
No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.
You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
Yes this world is coming for you now (Pause) with everything its got.
"In Memory of The Twin Towers"
Warning song to Osama bin Laden
(the tune of Rawhide)
The devil came from nowhere
He attacked us from the sky.
He bloodied up our nation
didn't give a reason why.
Now he's placed a spear in our eye
said its done it Allahs name
So God's coming lookin for him
And he's got himself to blame.
No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.
You defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
Just go hidin in your hills
You'll be buried in your caves.
You'll get what you've got comin now
For being Satans slaves.
You've woke the sleeping giant
From his legendary sleep
Now with open roar like lions
There's one promise he will keep
No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.
You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
So don't close your eyes a moment
Cause you surely see death there.
Don't waste your time in moanin
You just haven't got a prayer.
You chose to terrify the world
with your sensely killing spree
Brought violence into our lives
Placed hate inside of me.
No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.
You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
In this peaceful loving Nation
Home of brave and of the free
All are calling up your number
over land and over sea
We have seen the vileness in your soul
the horrors you create
Now this angry nations coming
look around we're at your gate
No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.
You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
Yes this world is coming for you now (Pause) with everything its got.
Xaltec
Reply #539 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 6:41 PM
Reply #539 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 6:41 PM
NEWS FLASH - GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.
They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:
"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.
They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:
"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
Xaltec
Reply #540 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 6:45 PM
Reply #540 Wednesday, February 12, 2003 6:45 PM
"Run Mister taliban"
Sung to the tune of "Day-O" (The Banana Boat Song)
Day-O...oh Day-O,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Run Mr Taliban, we know where you're hiding,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Hey USA, USA, USA...
Air force come and they flatten you home
60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Old Uncle Sam's pissed, he ain't no quitter,
Air force come and they flatten your home
When we finish you all be crying,
Air force come and they flatten your home,
Pilot is brother of New York fireman
Air force come and they flatten your home
Sung to the tune of "Day-O" (The Banana Boat Song)
Day-O...oh Day-O,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Run Mr Taliban, we know where you're hiding,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Hey USA, USA, USA...
Air force come and they flatten you home
60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Old Uncle Sam's pissed, he ain't no quitter,
Air force come and they flatten your home
When we finish you all be crying,
Air force come and they flatten your home,
Pilot is brother of New York fireman
Air force come and they flatten your home
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Reply #521 Tuesday, February 11, 2003 2:43 PM
> > IRAQI TV GUIDE
> >
> > SUNDAY:
> > 0800 - My 33 Sons
> > 0830 - Osama Knows Best
> > 0900 - I Dream of Mohammed
> > 0930 - Let's Mecca Deal
> > 1000 - The Kabul Hillbillies
> >
> > MONDAY:
> > 0800 - Husseinfeld
> > 900 - Mad About Everything
> > 930 - Monday Night Stoning
> > 1000 - Win Bin Laden's Money
> > 1030 - Allah McBeal
> >
> > TUESDAY:
> > 0800 - Wheel of Terror
> > 0830 - The Price is Right if Osama Says it's Right
> > 0900 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the
> > Darndest Things
> > 0930 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution
> > Bloopers
> > 1000 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
> >
> > WEDNESDAY:
> > 0800 - Beat the Press
> > 0830 - When Kurds Attack
> > 0900 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
> > 0930 - Just Shoot Everyone
> > 1000 - Veilwatch
> >
> > THURSDAY:
> > 0800 - Fatima Loves Chachi
> > 0830 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
> > 0900 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black,
> > Shapeless Dresses and Veils
> > 0930 - Married with 139 Children
> > 1000 - Eye for an Eye Witness News
> >
> > FRIDAY:
> > 0800 - Judge Saddam
> > 0830 - Suddenly Sanctions
> > 0900 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
> > 0930 - Cave and Garden Television
> > 1000 - No-Witness News
> >
> > SATURDAY:
> > 0800 - Spongebob Squareturban
> > 0830 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
> > 0900 - Teletalibans
> > 0930 - Camel 54, Where Are You