Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Ok...bring on your best or worst but leave everyone laughing 
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
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Page 18 of 59 | |
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Weaksid
Reply #342 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 5:40 AM
Reply #342 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 5:40 AM
This is true...
Advertisement
Movie Secrets
Get ready to dominate every movie conversation for the rest of your life.
Maxim, February 2003
OK, so you can quote entire monologues from Pulp Fiction and you know that the only correct answer to the question “How do you measure yourself against other golfers?” is “By height.” Frankly, pal, that’s freshman-level stuff. If you want to ace a shootin’-the-movie-shit-around-the-bar exam, you’re going to need to cram. Luckily, we’ve scribbled down a cool trivia cheat sheet, chock-full of inside info about your favorite flicks that Ebert would trade his left donut to know. Remember: There’s useless crap, and then there’s useless crap you can use to one-up your buddies.
PAYBACK’S A BITCH
Why entertain when you can just take cheap shots at your enemies instead?
In 1996’s Independence Day, the filmmakers included a sarcastic crack about The X-Files. So in 1998’s X-Files movie, Agent Mulder (David Duchovny) just happens to drain his little green man all over an ID4 poster in an alley. S-s-s-s-subtle.
Disgruntled Who Framed Roger Rabbit animators sneaked Disney boss Michael Eisner’s home phone number into some background graffiti. The gag was yanked from the video release.
In the unauthorized John Belushi biopic Wired, the sound of helicopter blades accompanies the appearance of a fictionalized John Landis. Why? Well, Landis directed the segment of 1983’s Twilight Zone: The Movie in which actor Vic Morrow and two children were decapitated when a helicopter stunt went awry. Ouch!
Horror honcho Wes Craven named A Nightmare on Elm Street’s bogeyman Freddy Kreuger after a kid who bullied him in grade school. Sheesh, the girl who dumped him on prom night must really dread every new Craven release.
THE QUICK AND THE PAID
The short stories behind some cool cameos.
Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre snagged his role as Cameron Diaz’ ex in There’s Something About Mary when the original jock, San Francisco’s Steve Young, passed on it because the vulgarity-laced script went against his strict Mormon beliefs.
Fookin’ hell, mate! The sleazy dealer from whom Renton buys the suppositories in Trainspotting is none other than the novel’s bad-boy author himself, Irvine Welsh.
The prison guard who returns Jake Blues’ belongings (including a soiled prophylactic) in The Blues Brothers is played by Frank Oz, a.k.a. the voice of Yoda. Three years later the warbly voiced actor-director would again cameo as a prison guard, this time in Trading Places. Cool!
WAR’S HELL
How great war movies got the blood-and-guts details right.
There’s a reason why the tough-guy actors in The Deer Hunter’s harrowing Russian roulette scene—Robert De Niro, Christopher Walken, and John Savage—look so genuinely scared shitless: A live round was put in the gun, with crew members trusted to check that the bullet wasn’t in the chamber.
To heighten the gut-wrenching realism of Saving Private Ryan’s D-day invasion, director Steven Spielberg cast real amputees to play GI’s with their limbs freshly blown off. Hey, fellas, wave to the camera!
The reason the grunts in Platoon look so naturally wasted in the scene where Sergeant Elias (Willem Dafoe) and mates smoke marijuana is that they lit up real Thai weed. The catering table was never heard from again
Advertisement
Movie Secrets
Get ready to dominate every movie conversation for the rest of your life.
Maxim, February 2003
OK, so you can quote entire monologues from Pulp Fiction and you know that the only correct answer to the question “How do you measure yourself against other golfers?” is “By height.” Frankly, pal, that’s freshman-level stuff. If you want to ace a shootin’-the-movie-shit-around-the-bar exam, you’re going to need to cram. Luckily, we’ve scribbled down a cool trivia cheat sheet, chock-full of inside info about your favorite flicks that Ebert would trade his left donut to know. Remember: There’s useless crap, and then there’s useless crap you can use to one-up your buddies.
PAYBACK’S A BITCH
Why entertain when you can just take cheap shots at your enemies instead?
In 1996’s Independence Day, the filmmakers included a sarcastic crack about The X-Files. So in 1998’s X-Files movie, Agent Mulder (David Duchovny) just happens to drain his little green man all over an ID4 poster in an alley. S-s-s-s-subtle.
Disgruntled Who Framed Roger Rabbit animators sneaked Disney boss Michael Eisner’s home phone number into some background graffiti. The gag was yanked from the video release.
In the unauthorized John Belushi biopic Wired, the sound of helicopter blades accompanies the appearance of a fictionalized John Landis. Why? Well, Landis directed the segment of 1983’s Twilight Zone: The Movie in which actor Vic Morrow and two children were decapitated when a helicopter stunt went awry. Ouch!
Horror honcho Wes Craven named A Nightmare on Elm Street’s bogeyman Freddy Kreuger after a kid who bullied him in grade school. Sheesh, the girl who dumped him on prom night must really dread every new Craven release.
THE QUICK AND THE PAID
The short stories behind some cool cameos.
Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre snagged his role as Cameron Diaz’ ex in There’s Something About Mary when the original jock, San Francisco’s Steve Young, passed on it because the vulgarity-laced script went against his strict Mormon beliefs.
Fookin’ hell, mate! The sleazy dealer from whom Renton buys the suppositories in Trainspotting is none other than the novel’s bad-boy author himself, Irvine Welsh.
The prison guard who returns Jake Blues’ belongings (including a soiled prophylactic) in The Blues Brothers is played by Frank Oz, a.k.a. the voice of Yoda. Three years later the warbly voiced actor-director would again cameo as a prison guard, this time in Trading Places. Cool!
WAR’S HELL
How great war movies got the blood-and-guts details right.
There’s a reason why the tough-guy actors in The Deer Hunter’s harrowing Russian roulette scene—Robert De Niro, Christopher Walken, and John Savage—look so genuinely scared shitless: A live round was put in the gun, with crew members trusted to check that the bullet wasn’t in the chamber.
To heighten the gut-wrenching realism of Saving Private Ryan’s D-day invasion, director Steven Spielberg cast real amputees to play GI’s with their limbs freshly blown off. Hey, fellas, wave to the camera!
The reason the grunts in Platoon look so naturally wasted in the scene where Sergeant Elias (Willem Dafoe) and mates smoke marijuana is that they lit up real Thai weed. The catering table was never heard from again
IPlural
Reply #343 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 5:44 AM
Oh what was the name of that B grade Psycho movie, Attack of the Killer Clowns ?
Reply #343 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 5:44 AM
Oh what was the name of that B grade Psycho movie, Attack of the Killer Clowns ?
IPlural
Reply #344 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 5:50 AM
Reply #344 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 5:50 AM
everyone high-school student should be required to read " Johnny's got his gun " and then go to the VA hospital at least once a week to send a day talking with war-time disabled vet's for a month, 4 visits at least.
What I want to know is what is the damn difference between Bombing downtown Iraq and every other place or palace Saddam might be at, killing say 3000 people, than going to war and killing at least as many if not more by direct action on our part or by Saddam pulling a Jim Jones?
What I want to know is what is the damn difference between Bombing downtown Iraq and every other place or palace Saddam might be at, killing say 3000 people, than going to war and killing at least as many if not more by direct action on our part or by Saddam pulling a Jim Jones?
werewolf
Reply #345 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 10:18 AM
Reply #345 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 10:18 AM
Attack of the Killer Tomatos
Don't know why I said that.
Don't know why I said that.
Keila
Reply #346 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 10:27 AM
Reply #346 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 10:27 AM
didn't they have one heck of a pot of sauce at the end of that movie.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #347 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 1:36 PM
Reply #347 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 1:36 PM
Phooey's Joke of the Day
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving *more* than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.
But, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
Now, go get that promotion!
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving *more* than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.
But, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
Now, go get that promotion!
Weaksid
Reply #348 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 1:41 PM
Reply #348 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 1:41 PM
I've seen that one and everytime I see it I still laugh. Probably because it's all true.
oUb
Reply #349 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 1:53 PM
Reply #349 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 1:53 PM
What's the difference between a vitamine and a hormone...?
...
You can't hear a vitamine!
But, you can hear a whore moan!
...
You can't hear a vitamine!
But, you can hear a whore moan!
Keila
Reply #351 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 2:04 PM
Reply #351 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 2:04 PM
This one is so old I will have to type it out.
What is the difference between a hooker a mistress and a wife?
The hooker says ... faster, faster, faster.
The mistress says... slower, slower, slower.
The wife says... beige! I think I'll paint it beige.
What is the difference between a hooker a mistress and a wife?
The hooker says ... faster, faster, faster.
The mistress says... slower, slower, slower.
The wife says... beige! I think I'll paint it beige.
werewolf
Reply #352 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 2:06 PM
Reply #352 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 2:06 PM
My wife belongs to D.A.M.
Mothers Against Dyslexia
Mothers Against Dyslexia
IPlural
Reply #353 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 3:35 PM 
I am learning very fast that when things get kind of *isgh* all ya got to do is browse around and peeps here give ya a shot of *HA*
you know, it's kinda nice
Reply #353 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 3:35 PM
I am learning very fast that when things get kind of *isgh* all ya got to do is browse around and peeps here give ya a shot of *HA*
you know, it's kinda nice
Kimbabe
Reply #354 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 4:05 PM
Reply #354 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 4:05 PM
Phooey, I just looked at your Amish page, I'm still laughing!
Here's my contribution
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.
"Well I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it
was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is
hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground
after going only about a 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running,
an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in
his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws,
it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN? asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole"
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the
****ing putt, didn't you.
*Kim*
Here's my contribution
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.
"Well I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it
was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is
hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground
after going only about a 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running,
an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in
his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws,
it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN? asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole"
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the
****ing putt, didn't you.
*Kim*
Xaltec
Reply #357 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 8:17 PM
Reply #357 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 8:17 PM
Ok My turn! This might have already been told... but realy can't be bothered to read thru 15 pages to find out!!
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness,
which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The f*****g funeral director," said his wife.
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness,
which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The f*****g funeral director," said his wife.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #358 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 8:20 PM
Reply #358 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 8:20 PM
Phooey's BONUS Joke of the Day
Parential Discretion on this one please.
A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance
together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allah Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
Sure! Allah Akbar!"
On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with
a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a
bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing!"
Parential Discretion on this one please.
A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance
together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allah Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
Sure! Allah Akbar!"
On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with
a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a
bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing!"
Xaltec
Reply #360 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 8:30 PM
Reply #360 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 8:30 PM
Male Dumb blond!
Three Business men are sitting in a bar and discussing how stupid their wives where,
The first guy says, "I tell you, mjy wife is so stupid that last week she went to the supermarket and bought $500 of meat because it was half price, and we don't have a fridge big enough to keep it all in!"
The second guy says; "That's nothing, last week my wife went and spent $17,000 on a new car and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third guy, a blond, agrees that the other two wives sounded pretty thick, "However!" he says "my wife is the thickest! Last week as she was packing for her greek holiday i noticed that she had packed a box of 50 condoms, and she doesn't even have a penis!!"
Three Business men are sitting in a bar and discussing how stupid their wives where,
The first guy says, "I tell you, mjy wife is so stupid that last week she went to the supermarket and bought $500 of meat because it was half price, and we don't have a fridge big enough to keep it all in!"
The second guy says; "That's nothing, last week my wife went and spent $17,000 on a new car and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third guy, a blond, agrees that the other two wives sounded pretty thick, "However!" he says "my wife is the thickest! Last week as she was packing for her greek holiday i noticed that she had packed a box of 50 condoms, and she doesn't even have a penis!!"
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Reply #341 Wednesday, January 29, 2003 1:41 AM
Presidents in Oz
The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they
are whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come
before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF
OZ?" Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, "I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps
forward, "Well........., I....... I think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard.
"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?" Up steps George Bush
sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing
there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard
finally asks,
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"