Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Ok...bring on your best or worst but leave everyone laughing 
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
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Page 17 of 59 | |
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kthxbye
Reply #323 Monday, January 27, 2003 9:02 PM
Reply #323 Monday, January 27, 2003 9:02 PM
Alright! The Shmoopy & ph00ey show!
Need a groupie or roadie?
Need a groupie or roadie?
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #324 Monday, January 27, 2003 9:10 PM
Reply #324 Monday, January 27, 2003 9:10 PM
Need all the help I can get to haul Shmoopy's wardrobe around!
kthxbye
Reply #325 Monday, January 27, 2003 9:11 PM
Reply #325 Monday, January 27, 2003 9:11 PM
Okay - but I can't promise I won't take a peek at what may be in there!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #326 Monday, January 27, 2003 9:37 PM
Reply #326 Monday, January 27, 2003 9:37 PM
..that could be dangerous!
Joke time!
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to our six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say
the blessing?"
I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you
hear Mommy say," my wife instructed.
Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth
did I invite all these people to dinner"!
Joke time!
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to our six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say
the blessing?"
I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you
hear Mommy say," my wife instructed.
Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth
did I invite all these people to dinner"!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #328 Monday, January 27, 2003 9:52 PM
Reply #328 Monday, January 27, 2003 9:52 PM
Two elderly ladies were out driving in a large car. Both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along
they came to an intersection.
The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be
loosing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red
light."
After a few more minutes they came to another inter-section
and the light was red again, and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that
the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was
loosing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very
close attention to the road and the next intersection to see
what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely
red, and they went right through. She turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could have had us killed!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh hell, am I driving...?"
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along
they came to an intersection.
The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be
loosing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red
light."
After a few more minutes they came to another inter-section
and the light was red again, and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that
the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was
loosing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very
close attention to the road and the next intersection to see
what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely
red, and they went right through. She turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could have had us killed!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh hell, am I driving...?"
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #329 Monday, January 27, 2003 9:54 PM
Reply #329 Monday, January 27, 2003 9:54 PM
Once upon a time .....
Kentucky hillbilly, Dwayne Suggs was drafted into the Army
and on the first day as an enlisted man he was given a comb.
The following day the Army barber sheared all of his hair off.
On the third day the Army gave him a tooth brush.
On the next day the Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out.
On the fifth day he was given a jock strap...
that afternoon Dwayne went AWOL
Kentucky hillbilly, Dwayne Suggs was drafted into the Army
and on the first day as an enlisted man he was given a comb.
The following day the Army barber sheared all of his hair off.
On the third day the Army gave him a tooth brush.
On the next day the Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out.
On the fifth day he was given a jock strap...
that afternoon Dwayne went AWOL
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #330 Monday, January 27, 2003 9:58 PM
Reply #330 Monday, January 27, 2003 9:58 PM
Phooey's Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs!
http://www.solarnight.com/signs/
http://www.solarnight.com/signs/
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #331 Monday, January 27, 2003 10:20 PM
Reply #331 Monday, January 27, 2003 10:20 PM
MARTHA STEWART VERSUS REAL WOMEN
Martha Stewart: If you accidentally add too much salt to a dish while
it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the
excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
Real Women: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it,
you will eat it, and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Martha Stewart: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares?
Martha Stewart: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
for Pete's sake. You're probably lying on the couch, with your feet up,
eating it anyway.
Martha Stewart: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the
bag with the potatoes.
Real Women: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. It will keep in the
pantry for up to a year.
Martha Stewart: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking
dish, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white
mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Women: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha Stewart: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women: The Mrs. Smith's frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't do it.
Martha Stewart: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
And finally, the most important tip - Martha Stewart: Don't throw out
all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.
Real Women: Leftover wine??????
Calling it an early evening....Say Goodnight Gracie
Martha Stewart: If you accidentally add too much salt to a dish while
it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the
excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
Real Women: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it,
you will eat it, and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Martha Stewart: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares?
Martha Stewart: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
for Pete's sake. You're probably lying on the couch, with your feet up,
eating it anyway.
Martha Stewart: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the
bag with the potatoes.
Real Women: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. It will keep in the
pantry for up to a year.
Martha Stewart: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking
dish, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white
mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Women: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha Stewart: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women: The Mrs. Smith's frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't do it.
Martha Stewart: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
And finally, the most important tip - Martha Stewart: Don't throw out
all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.
Real Women: Leftover wine??????
Calling it an early evening....Say Goodnight Gracie
Weaksid
Reply #333 Tuesday, January 28, 2003 5:40 AM
Reply #333 Tuesday, January 28, 2003 5:40 AM
Idiot Of The Week: Bobby Brown
Bobby Brown was sentenced to 8 days in a Georgia jail for breaking his parole.
Brown was told by a Georgia judge to not leave the state of Georgia until after his drunk driving trial had been completed. Brown left Georgia to perform at the "American Music Awards" in Los Angeles.
The Georgia judge saw Brown's performance, and issued his arrest right away.
Maybe Bobby Brown didn't know that television sets are sold in Georgia. Now he does, and we thank him for being this week's big idiot.
Got this in my e-mail today
Bobby Brown was sentenced to 8 days in a Georgia jail for breaking his parole.
Brown was told by a Georgia judge to not leave the state of Georgia until after his drunk driving trial had been completed. Brown left Georgia to perform at the "American Music Awards" in Los Angeles.
The Georgia judge saw Brown's performance, and issued his arrest right away.
Maybe Bobby Brown didn't know that television sets are sold in Georgia. Now he does, and we thank him for being this week's big idiot.
Got this in my e-mail today
Weaksid
Reply #334 Tuesday, January 28, 2003 5:45 AM
Reply #334 Tuesday, January 28, 2003 5:45 AM
Ponderous Thoughts
* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
* If quitters never win, & winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
*If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
* STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
* Clones are people two.
* No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
* As I said before, I never repeat myself!
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
* When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
* If quitters never win, & winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
*If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
* STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
* Clones are people two.
* No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
* As I said before, I never repeat myself!
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
* When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #335 Tuesday, January 28, 2003 7:26 AM
Reply #335 Tuesday, January 28, 2003 7:26 AM
Funnnnny!!!
One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her
mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some of your hair white mommy?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said...
"Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
Off to work!
One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her
mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some of your hair white mommy?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said...
"Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
Off to work!
werewolf
Reply #337 Tuesday, January 28, 2003 10:41 AM
Reply #337 Tuesday, January 28, 2003 10:41 AM
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal of
the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were
being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.
I could swear I've recently been with some of these people...
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal of
the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were
being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.
I could swear I've recently been with some of these people...
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #338 Tuesday, January 28, 2003 12:18 PM
Reply #338 Tuesday, January 28, 2003 12:18 PM
Good one Mr. werewolf!
It's January...and a bit cold in the northern hemisphere
Temperature
"Cold" is a relative term. Use the handy list below to
overcome the confusion.
Degrees (Fahrenheit)
65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 You can see your breath Californians shiver
uncontrollably Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
It's January...and a bit cold in the northern hemisphere
Temperature
"Cold" is a relative term. Use the handy list below to
overcome the confusion.
Degrees (Fahrenheit)
65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 You can see your breath Californians shiver
uncontrollably Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #339 Tuesday, January 28, 2003 12:39 PM
Reply #339 Tuesday, January 28, 2003 12:39 PM
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man
said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...
'Holy S**t, a talking pig!'"
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man
said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...
'Holy S**t, a talking pig!'"
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Reply #321 Monday, January 27, 2003 8:59 PM
Well then, this calls for a Joke to celebrate!
Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his
bedside day and night.
One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer.
He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the
bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot,
you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me
support. When my health started failing, you were still by
my side. You know what, Sadie?"
"What Dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck."