Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Ok...bring on your best or worst but leave everyone laughing 
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
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Weaksid
Reply #182 Wednesday, January 22, 2003 10:35 PM, Ph00ey turned Shmoopy's switch to On.. I don't know if it was on Off or just in the middle before. 
I had to read 3pages since I left 3hours ago. But the jokes were good.
Reply #182 Wednesday, January 22, 2003 10:35 PM
, Ph00ey turned Shmoopy's switch to On.. I don't know if it was on Off or just in the middle before. 
I had to read 3pages since I left 3hours ago. But the jokes were good.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #183 Wednesday, January 22, 2003 11:27 PM
Reply #183 Wednesday, January 22, 2003 11:27 PM
Shmoopy makes a great Gracie 
Phooey Burns & Shmoopy Allen ...maybe I oughta give her top billing though!
Weaksid goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you Weaksid?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you... For I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says firmly, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Weaksid goes back to his pew and his buddy Jafo slides over and says, "What happened?"
Weaksid replies, "Well, I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
Phooey Burns & Shmoopy Allen ...maybe I oughta give her top billing though! Weaksid goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you Weaksid?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you... For I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says firmly, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Weaksid goes back to his pew and his buddy Jafo slides over and says, "What happened?"
Weaksid replies, "Well, I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #184 Thursday, January 23, 2003 12:23 AM
Reply #184 Thursday, January 23, 2003 12:23 AM
One more and it's bedtime for me
Hidden Window's Commands...
System Failure - Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
User Error: Replace user - now get out of here!
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations
Say goodnight Gracie
Hidden Window's Commands...
System Failure - Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
User Error: Replace user - now get out of here!
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations
Say goodnight Gracie
KarmaGirl
Reply #186 Thursday, January 23, 2003 10:23 AM
Reply #186 Thursday, January 23, 2003 10:23 AM
Thanks to Michael Block on the Stardock Humor Newsgroups for this one:
Little Tommy (who was Jewish) was doing very badly in math. His parents had
tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in
short, everything they could think of.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in
the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy came home with
a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers
were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the
minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time
he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home
his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and
hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her great
surprise, little Tommy got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her
curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the
nuns?" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure,
the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on
the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew
they weren't fooling around."
Little Tommy (who was Jewish) was doing very badly in math. His parents had
tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in
short, everything they could think of.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in
the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy came home with
a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers
were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the
minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time
he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home
his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and
hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her great
surprise, little Tommy got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her
curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the
nuns?" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure,
the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on
the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew
they weren't fooling around."
Weaksid
Reply #187 Thursday, January 23, 2003 10:44 AM
Reply #187 Thursday, January 23, 2003 10:44 AM
Man, what's the deal.. My name is Tommy and I was also used in another joke.. I don't care though. It's funny. :Þ "wiggle wiggle wiggle"
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #188 Thursday, January 23, 2003 12:40 PM
Reply #188 Thursday, January 23, 2003 12:40 PM
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it.
I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it.
I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #189 Thursday, January 23, 2003 1:10 PM
Reply #189 Thursday, January 23, 2003 1:10 PM
Food Ideas Rejected by McDonald's.....
~ McSpleen
~ McMenudo
~ McShrooms
~ Filet O' Flesh
~ Salmon McLox
~ Filet o' Gefilte Fish
~ McKitty Sandwich
~ Chicken McBobbitts
~ Them Ain't Nuggets!
~ The Depressed Meal
~ Way Too Happy Meal
~ Shirley McLean Burger
~ McTonya Club Sandwich
~ Boutrous Boutrous Burger
~ Rocky Mountain McOysters
~ Lion King Hairball Happy Meal
~ Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal
~ Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal
~ ENRON McStock Shares
~ McLobster & Bacon Bisquit
~ McSpleen
~ McMenudo
~ McShrooms
~ Filet O' Flesh
~ Salmon McLox
~ Filet o' Gefilte Fish
~ McKitty Sandwich
~ Chicken McBobbitts
~ Them Ain't Nuggets!
~ The Depressed Meal
~ Way Too Happy Meal
~ Shirley McLean Burger
~ McTonya Club Sandwich
~ Boutrous Boutrous Burger
~ Rocky Mountain McOysters
~ Lion King Hairball Happy Meal
~ Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal
~ Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal
~ ENRON McStock Shares
~ McLobster & Bacon Bisquit
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #190 Thursday, January 23, 2003 4:23 PM
Reply #190 Thursday, January 23, 2003 4:23 PM
Proper Weapons Inspector Etiquette
FROM: UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY-GENERAL
TO: WEAPONS INSPECTORS
RE: IRAQ -- PROCEDURES AND ETIQUETTE
Congratulations on being selected as a UN weapons inspector.
You are about to embark on an exciting and highly dangerous
adventure! Please be aware that Iraqi customs and folkways may be
very different from what you are used to at home, and that at this
point the slightest faux-pas will start a war.
Bon Voyage,
Kofi Annan
MEETING YOUR HOST:
Your Iraqi hosts are from a different religious background. Like you,
they do not like to feel proselytized. Avoid religiously-charged
greetings and expressions whenever possible. Such expressions
include:
~ "Merry Christmas!"
~ "For Pete's Sake!"
~ "May Jesus Christ Have Mercy on Your Heathen Soul!"
When introduced to your host's veiled wife, it is inappropriate to:
~ Ask if she's all "Phantom of the Opera" under there,
~ Remark upon the presence of "junk in the trunk,"
~ Sensuously peel back her garments and check for illegal weapons.
~
When your host invites you to play pool, refrain from saying:
"Why don't Iraq and you break?"
~
Also, be aware that your visit will take place during the Muslim
holy month of Ramadan. Once again: Ramadan has absolutely
no connection to the popular chain of mid-priced hotels.
LOOKING FOR STUFF:
Be aware that your Iraqi hosts may have attempted to conceal
biological, chemical or nuclear weapons. Try some of these
common hiding places first:
~ Kitchen cupboards
~ Rotating bookcases
~ Innocuous-looking steel drums labeled "Circus Peanuts"
~ Wall safes obscured by oil portraits of Saddam Hussein
~ Behind Iraqi soldiers who are whistling casually and rolling
their eyes in a pantomime of innocence
Should you find what you believe to be a chemical, biological
or nuclear agent, do the following:
Step 1: Dip index finger in suspected agent.
Step 2: Place index finger on tip of tongue.
Step 3: Gruffly exclaim, "It's pure."
Step 4: See a doctor immediately.
FINDING STUFF YOU WEREN'T EVEN LOOKING FOR
IN THE FIRST PLACE:
In the course of your search, you may unwittingly uncover
Osama bin Laden. If so, do not panic. Send a S.A.S.E. to:
"I Found Osama"
Central Intelligence Agency
Washington, DC 20559
Or log onto www.ifoundosama.com
Then stall him with small talk until the arrival of U.S. Special Forces
or Hellfire missiles.
ENCOUNTERING SADDAM HUSSEIN:
It has been widely reported that Saddam Hussein often employs
doubles who stand in for him during public appearances. Only
intense scrutiny will ultimately confirm whether you are talking
to Saddam Hussein or Cheech Marin.
ENCOUNTERING RESISTANCE:
The UN resolution accepted by Saddam grants you, as
a representative of the UN, total access to any site in Iraq.
Nonetheless, you may still encounter resistance. If so, you may
employ the following Security Council-approved methods
of entrance:
~ Flash your laminated '02 Weapons Inspection Iraqi World Tour All-Access Pass.
~ Pretend to be a film crew from "MTV Cribs"
~ Slip the guard a Saddam Hussein (50-dinar note). If that doesn't
work, try slipping him a Saddam Hussein (1000-dinar note).
FROM: UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY-GENERAL
TO: WEAPONS INSPECTORS
RE: IRAQ -- PROCEDURES AND ETIQUETTE
Congratulations on being selected as a UN weapons inspector.
You are about to embark on an exciting and highly dangerous
adventure! Please be aware that Iraqi customs and folkways may be
very different from what you are used to at home, and that at this
point the slightest faux-pas will start a war.
Bon Voyage,
Kofi Annan
MEETING YOUR HOST:
Your Iraqi hosts are from a different religious background. Like you,
they do not like to feel proselytized. Avoid religiously-charged
greetings and expressions whenever possible. Such expressions
include:
~ "Merry Christmas!"
~ "For Pete's Sake!"
~ "May Jesus Christ Have Mercy on Your Heathen Soul!"
When introduced to your host's veiled wife, it is inappropriate to:
~ Ask if she's all "Phantom of the Opera" under there,
~ Remark upon the presence of "junk in the trunk,"
~ Sensuously peel back her garments and check for illegal weapons.
~
When your host invites you to play pool, refrain from saying:
"Why don't Iraq and you break?"
~
Also, be aware that your visit will take place during the Muslim
holy month of Ramadan. Once again: Ramadan has absolutely
no connection to the popular chain of mid-priced hotels.
LOOKING FOR STUFF:
Be aware that your Iraqi hosts may have attempted to conceal
biological, chemical or nuclear weapons. Try some of these
common hiding places first:
~ Kitchen cupboards
~ Rotating bookcases
~ Innocuous-looking steel drums labeled "Circus Peanuts"
~ Wall safes obscured by oil portraits of Saddam Hussein
~ Behind Iraqi soldiers who are whistling casually and rolling
their eyes in a pantomime of innocence
Should you find what you believe to be a chemical, biological
or nuclear agent, do the following:
Step 1: Dip index finger in suspected agent.
Step 2: Place index finger on tip of tongue.
Step 3: Gruffly exclaim, "It's pure."
Step 4: See a doctor immediately.
FINDING STUFF YOU WEREN'T EVEN LOOKING FOR
IN THE FIRST PLACE:
In the course of your search, you may unwittingly uncover
Osama bin Laden. If so, do not panic. Send a S.A.S.E. to:
"I Found Osama"
Central Intelligence Agency
Washington, DC 20559
Or log onto www.ifoundosama.com
Then stall him with small talk until the arrival of U.S. Special Forces
or Hellfire missiles.
ENCOUNTERING SADDAM HUSSEIN:
It has been widely reported that Saddam Hussein often employs
doubles who stand in for him during public appearances. Only
intense scrutiny will ultimately confirm whether you are talking
to Saddam Hussein or Cheech Marin.
ENCOUNTERING RESISTANCE:
The UN resolution accepted by Saddam grants you, as
a representative of the UN, total access to any site in Iraq.
Nonetheless, you may still encounter resistance. If so, you may
employ the following Security Council-approved methods
of entrance:
~ Flash your laminated '02 Weapons Inspection Iraqi World Tour All-Access Pass.
~ Pretend to be a film crew from "MTV Cribs"
~ Slip the guard a Saddam Hussein (50-dinar note). If that doesn't
work, try slipping him a Saddam Hussein (1000-dinar note).
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #191 Thursday, January 23, 2003 8:44 PM
Reply #191 Thursday, January 23, 2003 8:44 PM
Phooey's Amish Humor Page http://www.solarnight.com/amish/
Weaksid
Reply #192 Thursday, January 23, 2003 9:30 PM
Reply #192 Thursday, January 23, 2003 9:30 PM
Phooey, that was cool.. I love that. It goes well with PA. Do I have permission to add it to the PA humor on my site?
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #193 Thursday, January 23, 2003 9:45 PM
Reply #193 Thursday, January 23, 2003 9:45 PM
Sure..I claim no copyrights or anything...have at it! You should post your URL, I'd like to check it out
Here's another to add to it:
Q: What goes "clop, clop, clop, clop, BOOM!"?
A: An Amish suicide bomber.
Here's another to add to it:
Q: What goes "clop, clop, clop, clop, BOOM!"?
A: An Amish suicide bomber.
Weaksid
Reply #194 Thursday, January 23, 2003 9:59 PM
Reply #194 Thursday, January 23, 2003 9:59 PM
If you go to http://weaksid.8m.net and go to Jokes, you can check out what I have posted so far. I'm in the process of a rebuild though. Everytime I think of a design I think of something better before I start and then I go back to the beginning. Plus Poser messed with me for a couple days which took my time away from it. But I'll let you know when the rebuild is.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #195 Thursday, January 23, 2003 10:15 PM
Reply #195 Thursday, January 23, 2003 10:15 PM
Great! I'll keep an eye out for some PA oriented jokes for ya!
Oh! check your joke hyperlinks
I'll keep an eye out for some PA oriented jokes for ya!Oh! check your joke hyperlinks
Cafeend
Reply #196 Thursday, January 23, 2003 10:20 PM
Reply #196 Thursday, January 23, 2003 10:20 PM
Marriages revisited...
If Claudia Schiffer married Brains from "Thunderbirds" she'd be...
Claudia Schiffer Brains!
If Claudia Schiffer married Brains from "Thunderbirds" she'd be...
Claudia Schiffer Brains!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #198 Thursday, January 23, 2003 10:33 PM
Reply #198 Thursday, January 23, 2003 10:33 PM
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week.
Quite embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.
The 85-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, would be ideal."
The husband said, "Well, I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."
Quite embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.
The 85-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, would be ideal."
The husband said, "Well, I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #199 Thursday, January 23, 2003 10:49 PM
Reply #199 Thursday, January 23, 2003 10:49 PM
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty
girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.
How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man
standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.
How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man
standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
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Reply #181 Wednesday, January 22, 2003 10:32 PM
If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John,
she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster,
she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses
it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare,
he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM),
and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck,
divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Shmoopy married Ph00ey she'd be Shmoopy Ph00ey