A man is walking behind his wife and says,"Baby,you are so fat now,

your bum looks like a washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.

Bedtime,the man is looking for sex.

The woman says,"I can't start the washing machine for such a small load.You'll have to hand wash!"

What's french, explosive and found in the kitchen?

Linoleum Blown-apart.

A cabbie picks up a Nun.  She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers:
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,
you get a chance to see and hear just about everything....
I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds: 'Well, let us see what we can do about that:

1. You have to be single and

2. You must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party'.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, `Father, my dog is dead. Could ya` be saying` a mass for the poor creature?`

Father Patrick replied, `I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin` what they believe. Maybe thet'll do something for the creature.`

Muldoon said, `I'll go right away Father. Do ya` think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?`
Father Patrick exclaimed, `Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke with the toothache an anaesthetic injection. “No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said.
So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again. “I can't do 
the gas thing either. The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”
She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill. “No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”
When she returns she says, “Here's a Viagra and a glass of water.” The guy says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn't” she said, "But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."  

Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

“What’s up Dave?” asked the bartender…It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.

“ I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.

“It’s not,”  said the man.  "The little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

A guy in a hurry used the ladies 'toilet in a posh hotel'.. He sat down & noticed 4 buttons- WW, WA, PP & APR.

Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much!

He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up. Still loving it, he pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh.

Feeling pampered, he decided to press the last button APR. He later woke up in a hospital, a nurse smiled & said; Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER, so when the machine couldn't find a pad on you, it went for your balls.

Your balls are in this jar.

A variation on a theme but still pretty good.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

DEAR MRS STARKERS  

You have a great sense of humor!  Have to love that in a person!!

lol thanks yeah it also can be  warped lol

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! ——

.

.Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

Scottish Cow -

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.
It was absolutely wonderful, She produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland" "

Golf Accident -

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?" "Willis," he replied.

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed, And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" Elizabeth said with a smile, she wont know any thing. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!""

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

What do you call a 4 foot psychic that escaped from prison? 

A small medium at large. 

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it’s too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. “What’s wrong?” asks the mother.

“I was taking pee and this bullet came out.” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it’s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. “Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out.”

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. “It’s okay,” says the mom, “I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out.”

“No,” says the boy, “I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie" The first man asks "Can i make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt He?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"