Friday, October 1, 2010 by loukeeya | Discussion: Community

yesterday i had a visit from the cold case police informing me that they had a suspect and want me to go to court and try and get a conviction.

20 yrs ago a stranger broke into my flat raped and tortured me at knifepoint and then hounded me day and night for 7 months trying to get in and kill me. i had police come but he was never caught. now they have found him due to new dna techniques. i have never been so distraught in my life and was on the floor shaking and sobbing, it was as if it had just happened. he ruined my life and still 20 yrs on fills me with fear. i have to go to court and face a dreadful ordeal coz i need closure. he may not be convicted coz i am gonna be judged for what i am and my lifestyle. i have tried for years to find forgiveness in my heart but i cant, its so painful and living alone i had no one to comfort me. i had to run to my doctor who thankfully has sedated me as i dont know what i would have done.

the police were very kind and are going to support me through this coming ordeal, i may have to be moved for my safety away from my home and friends. yesterday i felt so alone and afraid. i am still trying to find a way to forgive but its difficult. i dont have any faith which i know helps some ppl, my life has been too full of abuse and pain to even hope there is a god looking out for me. i am not writing this coz i want sympathy i just dont want to be alone.

i am back living in fear and cant stop crying and shaking, how can one person do this to me? i may not be an avergage person but i am human and have feelings. all my life i have tried to stop others suffereing what i have endured, but forgiveness is so hard.

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Reply #1 Friday, October 1, 2010 9:00 AM

  I hope you find the strength to persue it loukeeya... and see him behind bars... where I'm sure he'll get a taste of what he has put you through....

there must be a victims support group you could try to track down and join.... and find some understanding and support there....

I know the community here will be here for you, especially during those times you feel so alone at home.... but face to face contact with professionals to help.... and people who have been through similar.... would be very beneficial for you I feel...

good luck nailing the scumbag.... I hope he gets his just desserts.... 

Reply #2 Friday, October 1, 2010 9:01 AM

I'll not comment on what you say you were or what your lifestyle may have been, in my opinion that is irrelevant. What is relevant however is that a crime has been committed and even though twenty years have past the one responsible should be held accountable. You say new DNA evidence has come to light. If the link to this suspect is positive then guilt has already been established. As for forgiveness...I'm afraid my opinion there may bias you. I would not, could not forgive in any way shape or form but that's me. Not everyone feels the same. All I can say is search deep down inside yourself and regardless of what answer you arrive at remember this......all of us here are just that. Here for you 24/7. We are family and we care for our own. Good luck and God bless.

Reply #3 Friday, October 1, 2010 9:02 AM

There is no way I could comprehend the pain and hurt you are going through lou. Its hard to come up with the right things to say and I will leave it to those who are more conversant. You have my thoughts and best wishes, and I do hope everything turns out for the better. 

Keep well lou, look after yourself.

Reply #4 Friday, October 1, 2010 9:03 AM

Lou, you need to gain closure. The only way is through his (if it's him) punishment. The way to that is courage. This is not just for you, since rock spiders (pat. pend. Jafo) like him did it to others as well. They may gain the courage to testify as well, through you.

Part of the closure is therapy too. You need to realize just one thing: It was not your fault. [visualize Matt Damon and Robin Williams "Good Will Hunting"]. None of it was your fault.

i have to go to court and face a dreadful ordeal coz i need closure. he may not be convicted coz i am gonna be judged for what i am and my lifestyle.

Exactly wrong. He is the guilty one. You quake in fear of him? Are you afraid of what people might think of you? Who are they to judge? You have a right to live your life as who you are. Period.

i have tried for years to find forgiveness in my heart but i cant, its so painful and living alone i had no one to comfort me.

That's what we, among others, are for. You need to be in therapy. Every rape/violence victim does. You see, rape is not about sex. It is about power.

So, are you going to surrender your right to be yourself and live without fear, as well as your power to him or not?

You live on an island fortress. It, and it's brave people stood against the insanity and rape by the Nazis. You now must find the same courage your parents and grandparents found to stand against your personal Nazi (for that's exactly what he is).

I personally am rooting for you. I believe in you even though you do not.

G-d believes in you even if you don't believe in G-d. G-d planted that seed of courage in everyone. It's up to you to make it grow.

Once you do, you'll find you won't have to work hard to tend it: It will, in fact, sustain you.

I hope you find the seed, Lou. I truly do.

Reply #5 Friday, October 1, 2010 9:32 AM

thankyou so much - i have always thought i was a strong person, kind and compassionate but this is so hard. this man ruined my life, it wasnt just the act and the torture it was that he destroyed me as a person. before it i was happy carefree, after i couldnt be on my own for many yrs. i took every drug i cld to blank it out, it didnt and yes the bit of therapy helped. yet here i am back in that hideous dark painfuil place shaking and terrified. i need to see it thru coz i know there were other victims too, he has had a life for the past 20 yrs and prob has family etc - i have nothing. i do have my art and its that that has kept me going tho loneliness is just overwhelming me at the min. i am trying to find courage and strength but if you went thru what i did you would know why its so hard to face him.

i did blame myself and ppl in authority seemed to think that too. i was left in that flat for 7 months because my housing officer despised me and what i am. its a wonder i am able to see good in others but i always do, i do anything i can to help others and it hurts me so much if anyone is suffering. maybe its why i was so good at nursing, pain and suffering should not be part of our life

Reply #6 Friday, October 1, 2010 9:51 AM

i am trying to find courage and strength but if you went thru what i did you would know why its so hard to face him.

Exactly why in the end analysis your strength comes from within.

Meds may help manage symptoms, but only as an adjunct to therapy where the inner demons that enable the symptoms are dealt with.

Treat the cause.

In your case this means getting some anxiolytics on board and facing him in court.

Reply #7 Friday, October 1, 2010 10:56 AM

To the rapist

You have stalked me and terrorized me. What you have done stole a piece of me and my life and left an unsightly gash in its place. Because of this I have not been who I could’ve been; my life has not gone the way it could’ve gone. I have been weakened under the burden of my wounds. Because of the horrendous crimes you committed against me I now know pain and fear many are fortunate enough not to know. But like a warrior I will rise up through the pain, fear and anger I hold in my heart. And with the strength I derive through my arising I will slice through the chains that bind me to you. I will free myself from your crimes and allow you to bear their full burden. With this freedom my heart will begin to shed its armor; my walk will be lighter, my stand will be taller and my wings newly unbound will spread wider. And you will be left with the weight of the chains I once shared. If I were to look back and see your broken soul crumpled and fallen I will have room in my heart for compassion and I will pray that your judgment is merciful. It is then that you will know mercy and I will know forgiveness.

Reply #8 Friday, October 1, 2010 11:50 AM

Who gives a rat's ass what your lifestyle is. That's up to you. Your choice to make and may God Bless you.


You should not have to live in fear because some creep is still around. Put him away. God Bless you .

Reply #9 Friday, October 1, 2010 12:37 PM

i am so overwhelmed by your kind words, am hoping i can find some inner strength.  its strange coz my friends have always admired my strength, i never saw myself as strong i just always picked myself up and got on with life. i will see it thru no matter the cost coz its the right thing to do and i dont want another 20 yrs of pain.  medication is never the answer i know but at the moment i am alone and distraught and if it keeps me safe thats the main thing. its for a couple of days til i can get my act together.


much love from me to you all

Reply #10 Friday, October 1, 2010 12:43 PM

Ms Lou, please find a support group to help you through this. You don't need to and should not face this alone. Wish I could be there to hold your hand and help you through this. Try to be strong and regain your life and freedom.

Reply #11 Friday, October 1, 2010 1:09 PM should be throwing a party over this! It's not every day that they come to you...20 years later...and tell you they caught the guy! That alone should tell you someone weren't forgotten! Often in situations like this people don't get closure...the guy doesn't get caught and your looking over your shoulder everyday from then on.

So this is a good thing! This is a great thing! Especially because of your lifestyle...often people in your situation are just this should make you feel good that you weren't! And despite whatever your lifestyle is...your still a human being and no one deserves something like that to happen to them.

So have a party...tape it of yourself having fun...and then ask the judge if you can play it for the asshole that did this to he can see he is nothing and he has no power over you...and maybe throw in a few choice words...something like...hey tiny!...have fun in jail! And hand him a tube of lube while your at it...oh!...and don't forget to add some sand!

And you say didn't see yourself as being strong...but getting back up and getting on with your being strong! Hello!   So go kick some ass! And then get back up and get on with your life!

Reply #12 Friday, October 1, 2010 2:07 PM

lol u have put a smile on my face-the idea of kicking ass is funny. i am far too gentle a person to harm anyone, even this vile man, but i can dream. frankie the police have arranged counselling and am meeting my liason officer who will be with me throughout this ordeal.  i know i will get thru it its just so raw at the moment even tho it was 20 yrs ago, i have my 2 cats for comfort and a few good friends so i wont be destroyed a 2nd time.


  to you all

Reply #13 Friday, October 1, 2010 2:13 PM

So go kick some ass! And then get back up and get on with your life!

And if you can't do that, kick the crap out of WebGizmos' ass. He's got a fat one! Tell him I OK'd it.    

Reply #14 Friday, October 1, 2010 2:26 PM

Lou - check your PM's.

Reply #15 Friday, October 1, 2010 2:34 PM

loukeeya, I'm so sorry all this has happened to you. If I could be there in person I would tell you this. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. You can't be forgiven of your sins if you aren't willing to forgive others of theirs. You say you have no faith, faith is not a feeling, it's trusting in an unseen God. Trusting in Jesus will give you  the strength you need to make the choice to forgive. Forgiveness isn't for the other guy, it's for you! It will help you find peace. Jesus says "If you forgive others of their trespasses, I will forgive you of yours." He also said, "Peace I give you, not as the world knows, but My peace." Sounds like just what you need sweetie! I'll be praying for you!

Reply #16 Friday, October 1, 2010 3:33 PM

You say you have no faith, faith is not a feeling, it's trusting in an unseen God.

These are all kind words, jazzi, but I think if I had been raped, tortured and terrorized for 7 months, my capacity to "trust" in anything, let alone something unseen, would be absolutely nil. 

Faith may not be a feeling, but trust is a track record of evidence of someone/something having your back when you're powerless.  Just an FYI, it's pretty easy to lose faith when you've put your trust in an unseen God and He/She/It drops the ball and you end up flat on your face, after having the rug pulled out from under you, and you're left to "figure it out" on your own.

Reply #17 Friday, October 1, 2010 4:09 PM

i know i will find the strength from somewhere to get thru this, i do have some good friends. i cant have them in court tho, i couldnt bear them having to listen to the details. i have been trying to get angry, i just cant its not the person i am. i also feel so sad for his family, they are innocent but also are going to suffer. i have always lived my life in a way not to harm anyone, i hate even using harsh words. life changing it has been, even now i cant have a knife in my flat-i use a spoon to eat my food. silly things that have been changed, it hasnt made me bitter tho, i still love and trust ppl coz i believe theres good in us all.

Reply #18 Friday, October 1, 2010 4:24 PM

The day after your hearing...everything will back to normal and you'll start forgetting all about you should. And you probably already had...but them finding this douchebag understandably opened an old wound. So go put on some nice relaxing music (if you need some let me know)...hop in a nice hot bath...relax and start the process of putting this behind you again. You already did this once...and this upcoming hearing is just a formality that will be over before you know it.

Reply #19 Friday, October 1, 2010 4:37 PM

I got a really big hammer if you want it. Weighs in at about two tons and you can easily pick it up and drop on his head, just to see him go squish. We do that to bugs, why should this jerk be any different. After all...he has a higher power to answer to. I would not want to be in his shoes when 'that' hammer falls. God bless you love.

Reply #20 Friday, October 1, 2010 8:35 PM

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