we are idiots

wood eye! wood eye!

ewww. just..eewwww.

Thanks. Thanks for the time you all took to post these and for carin'. It means a lot.

Rules For Flight... There is a lot pilots have to take into account when hulling your ass across the sky...

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

If you have chosen:
a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges
 I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself.
 May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that  other profound stuff.
 
 I bet that right now you want to find me and kick me.
 Well, You won't find me....
 I am still hunting down the person who sent this to me...!

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. 

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds. 

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. 

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds. 

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." 

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds. 

And God said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." 

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. 

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. 

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds. 

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. 

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. 

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery..... 

And Satan created HMOs...
====================================================================================

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin, "It's been a long time now. I really need to have sex."

Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a 'lady of joy' and treat her to your manly pleasures."

And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told him of the previous night's events. "My friend," he said, grinning from ear to ear, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times.."

"37 times!" exclaimed Odin. "That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!"

So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..."

"You're Thor?" shouted the girl. "You're Thor? What about me? I'm tho thor I can't thpeak and can hardly pith!"

Still Hunting, Kitty?  You'll want Po`'s address, then.

HAHA, now THAT.. is funny

Thanks for the laughs.  here is another.

Bubba

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is
It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin
People to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer
makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them

burgers
an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was
gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he
gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin...
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all
them ugly women I slept with?"

Thanks for getting me through the weekend, everyone. I greatly apreciate it. Between checking in here and working on my icon pack (with WB that will never see the light of day..sigh) I was able to keep my mind off of my back most of the time.

Two more days

I just gotta get through two more days

I'm having nightmares that I got this next nerve block and when I get off the table it doesn't take cause it's my sciatic nerve and they can't treat it. Pain hit a new high yesterday and is now down both legs and across my back and right side of neck. Doubling up on everything (UNTIL I CAN GET THE PATCH) .

I actually had to use the cane I bought, today. I can't stand it.

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.

The teacher said, "I'll bet these are flowers!"

The girl replied, "How did you know?"

"Just a lucky guess," she said.

Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, "Just a lucky guess."

Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine.

The boy said, "No."

She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.

Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.

He said happily,"A puppy!"

=========================================================================================

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 2006:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 2007:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?

i hate those math questions doc...lol they suck,  here is one i made up: its just as screwy:

A man got on a train at Liverpool, he rode 2km to get to his destination Rockworth.  The trip took 3 hours, and the ticket cost

him 7.50.  What was the name of the train driver?

yeah.....what the fuck???? i HATE THOSE MATH QUESTIONS !!!

PS: Po i wish i could send you a dvd of the funniest show here in aus its called 'Swift and Shift' its on sbs and its sooo FUCKING FUNNY!!  i love it, and almost choke from laughing so fucking hard.

As his last action in the White House, lame-duck president George W. Bush will mandate that all gas stations play porn at the pump so you can see someone else getting screwed at the same time you are.

An executive had to take a business trip overseas, so he entrusted his assistant with the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, the assistant was to notify him immediately.
After a week with no contact, the businessman received an email that read "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday."

The only time politicians tell the truth is when they call each other liars.

As a man entered a bar to meet a friend he noticed two pretty girls looking at him.
"Nine," one whispered.
Feeling pretty pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy and reported that a girl had just rated him a nine out of 10.
"I don't want to ruin it for you," his friend said, "but when I walked in they were speaking German."

Too sick to work..

Hung Chow calls into work and says,"Hey I no come work today, I really sick.. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work".

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work, you try that."

Two hours later hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon..... You got nice house!"

hehe Good one, I've heard that before 

Hey po', just in case you didn't know. 

http://www.livevideo.com/video/58BC7DE30EF1485BB56C98964B4CA323/holiday-ambiance.aspx

Continuing with fart humor, if this dont make u laugh, nothing will.

Merry Christmas! 

In the genre.........

I've heard of people *cough skinhit that actually pay *cough skinhit for someone to dress them up *cough skinhit so they can do that. *cough skinhit

I'm just glad I don't know any personally.

I heard somewhere that SkinHit likes to dress up in latex and fart.  Could this be true?

How about a small tribute? A good one always makes me laugh