Saturday funnies
Saturday, November 15, 2008 by teddybearcholla | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!! 
The first one... 
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second... 
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?
Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.
Interviewer: How did you get that hook?
Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.
Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?
Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.
Interviewer: And that put your eye out?
Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least.... 
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'
So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
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Reply #162 Tuesday, December 23, 2008 11:29 AM
This would be for the Cap'n:
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
=========================================================================================
The teacher asked little Starkers to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.
Little Starkers replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Cap'n,"
To which Starkers replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants".
Reply #163 Tuesday, December 23, 2008 11:55 AM
The Three Samurai
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai.
The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!" The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate.
The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!" The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai.
The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill"
Reply #164 Tuesday, December 23, 2008 2:59 PM
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder . .
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There's no dental records
Reply #165 Tuesday, December 23, 2008 3:10 PM
How Blonde Is She???
She was Soooooooo Blonde.
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44, she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
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Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
1) Blaming your farts on me.....not funny... not funny at all !!!
2) Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3) Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4) Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
5) Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6) The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7) Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak
out every time we go back!
8) Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9) Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10) How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
Every Dog Has His Day. A Dog Always Offers Unconditional Love, Cats Have To Think About It.
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Reply #167 Tuesday, December 23, 2008 7:30 PM
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel
contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
true because very Christmas morning, although Jay's kids'
stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.
You'll only confuse yourself.
'What does this do?'
'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy
that?'
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could
also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls'
come in many different models.
box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
the wee morning hours.
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
been to his house and left a present that had made
confused.
back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so
the rest of the family could admire her when they came over
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said,
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have
any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled up to me and said, ' Hey,who's the naked gal by the
fireplace?'
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise.
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed,
my father in the bathroom in the morning.
flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of
the sofa. The cat screamed.
and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
sat in the car.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas.
Reply #169 Tuesday, December 23, 2008 7:44 PM
OK...hands down the winner!
I can't stop these helpless giggles...it should have been filmed. A lifetime memory to be passed on for generations.
Thanks, Barb!
TBC once again wins the Gold!
Reply #172 Tuesday, December 23, 2008 8:40 PM
Reply #175 Tuesday, December 23, 2008 9:09 PM
I hate you.
I will never forgive you.
Oh my!!!!! 
Reply #176 Tuesday, December 23, 2008 9:11 PM
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
Reply #178 Wednesday, December 24, 2008 9:57 AM
Now that I'm old and feeble and my pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout.
I used to get embarrassed to make the darned thing behave
For every single morning it would stand and watch me shave
But now I'm old and feeble it just gives me the melancholy blues
For every single morning it hangs down my leg to watch me shine my shoes.
Now whar do I git me one of them hats??? 
Reply #180 Thursday, December 25, 2008 10:01 PM
A twenties something couple is out 'parking' and seeing just how sexually wild they can get when they knock the handbrake off and the stickshift out of 'Park'. The car rolls down the mountainside, rolls over several times and comes to an almighty thud upside down beside the highway. The guy is trapped and says to his companion: "Look, I'm trapped, badly hurt and bleeding, go and get help... PUUUULEASE!!!"
The naked woman looks around for something to wear but can only find one of his shoes as all their clothes had fallen out the window during their rapid descent, so she covers her nether region with the shoe and runs onto the highway to flag down a truck driver who was passing the accident scene: "Please help us, my boyfriend and I have had an accident and he's stuck!!!!!"
The truck driver looks up and down her naked body (as you do), notices the shoe she'd used to cover her most intimate part and says: "Stuck, eh!!! Well I'm sorry, love, if he's that far gone he's beyond help I'm afraid."
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Reply #161 Tuesday, December 23, 2008 1:43 AM
LOL!! BUSTED