A young engineer was leaving the office when he found the

 CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his

 hand.

 
 "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important

 document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
 

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted

 the paper, and pressed the start button.
 

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared

 inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
 

 

Lesson:
 

 

 Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.  

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.

After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

When you are discouraged and down in the dumps and think you have real PROBLEMS,  Just remember:

SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD THERE IS A MR. PELOSI!!!!   

Morris Rabinowitz in 1936 fled his native Germany. He sold his assets and
made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash, above the limit he could
bring into the U.S.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why
anybody would have five sets of gold teeth.
So Morris explained: "Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of
dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so religious I also
have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two
sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
"Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so orthodox
I have separate teeth for Passover meat and for Passover dairy food.
The customs official shook his head and said, "You must be a man of very
strong faith to have separate teeth for meat and dairy products and likewise
for Passover.
That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"
Morris looked around and spoke softly.
"To tell you the truth," he said, "Once in a while I like a
ham sandwich."

You're being unreasonable: Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. 
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

========================================================================================

Matchmaking:

A marriage broker offered Morty a beautiful young girl, a real prize, to be his wife.
But Morty was stubborn. "I'm a businessman," Morty argued. "Before I buy material from a mill, I look at swatches. So before I get married, I gotta have a sample also."
The broker had no choice but to relay the message to the girl. "He says he is a good businessman, and he has to know exactly what he's buying. He insists on a sample."
"Listen," the girl replied. "I'm also good at business. A sample I don't give. But, I will give him references!"

A condom saleswoman was stranded in the countryside and had to put up the night with a farmer and his two hilly-billy sons.
In the middle of the night, she crept into the room where the two brothers were sleeping and woke them up for a bout of passionate love making. She explained that the condoms were to ensure that she did not get pregnant. The next morning she bade them farewell and started off from the farm.
Weeks passed and then one brother spoke to the other: "It has been a while now that she's gone and I don't think she'll ever get pregnant. Let's take these damn things off."

Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2009, it will begin offering customers a new discount item .... Wal-Mart's own brand of  wine.

The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price -- in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "There is a market for inexpensive wine." said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. "However, branding will be very important."
 
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

1. Chateau du Traileur Parc

2 White Trashfindel

3. Big Red Gulp

4. World Championship Riesling

5. NAS-CARbernet

6. Chef Boyardeaux

7. Peanut Noir

8. Ah Kain't Believe it's not Vinegar

9. Grape Expectations

10. Nasti Spumante


The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).


P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat

tbc is on a wal-mart spree!

  am not!!!   

 On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship,Ed took Dorothyto a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

Holiday Wallpaper: "Spirit of The Season"

"Touch de  duck... I keel you." 

CATHOLIC COFFEE




Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.



The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."



The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."



The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."



Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My G-d."

  Good one!!!

'Weeeeeee!!!   Look  at me I'm Yoda!