posted shoppies! LOL

Well slap my ass and call me spanky , I still don't know what you're saying.  I don't see the images I couldn't get to post anywhere.  What image site are you guys all using.  I use Image Cave.  It works pretty good most of the time, and it's free.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door
> without using a paper towel.
> I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I
> don't know what the last person was doing while flipping
> through the channels.
>
> I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can
> only imagine what has happened on it since it was last
> washed.
>
> I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood
> anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all
> kinds of nasty germs including feces.
>
> I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
> driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
> is picking your nose.
>
> Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I
> can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
> consumed over the years.
>
> I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has
> placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
>
> I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one
> about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to
> use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
>
> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
> the same reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
> girl (Penny Bro wn) who is about to die in the hospital for
> the 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change
> once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL
> are sending me for participating in their special e-mail
> program .
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
> angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has
> granted my every wish.
>
> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
> horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
> smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
> answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
> make a wish within five minutes.
>
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because
> it can remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along
> to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my
> back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who
> make these products are atheists who refuse to put
> 'Under God' on their cans.
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
> causes cancer.
>
> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of
> water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
> face... disfiguring me for life.
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
> could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
> me with a perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they
> are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
> don't support our American troops or the Salvation
> Army...
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
> dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with
> calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since
> I now have their recipe.
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
> because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat
> to cause me instant death when it bites my ass.
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
> $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was
> placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab
> my leg.

I use imageshack thats free also  www.imageshack.us      try this link and see if that helps ed

Just reading through these, lol, nice ones

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the
club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealer-ship and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in as astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

LMAO!!! Nice one

I was in a car with an American driver a few years back, and had to grab the wheel from him, the silly bugger started driving on the wrong side

That was good enough to steal and post else where. I alomost fell out of my chair with that one. Thank you!!!!!

Materialistic

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.
"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.
"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.
"HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

The last sentence doesn't even make sense?

lol nice ones guys

Three  women die together in an accident  

 And go to heaven. 

When  they get there, St. Peter says,  

 'We only have one rule here in  heaven: 
Don't  step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,   

 There are ducks all over the place. 
It is  almost impossible not to step on a duck,  

 And although they try their best  to avoid them,  

 The first woman accidentally steps on one.  

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.  

 St.  Peter chains them together and says,  

 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to  
Spend  eternity chained to this ugly man!'  

  
The  next day,  

 The second woman steps accidentally on a duck  

 And along comes St. Peter,  

 Who doesn't miss a thing.  

 With him is another extremely ugly man.  

 He chains them together  

 With the same admonishment as for the first woman. 

The third woman has observed all this and, 

  Not  wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,  

 VERY careful where she  steps.

She manages to go months  

 Without stepping on any ducks,  

 But  

 One day St.Peter comes up to her  

 With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on  

 .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.  


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,  

 'I wonder what I did to deserve being  
Chained to you for all of eternity?' 

The guy says,  

 'I don't know about you,  

 But I stepped on a 
Duck.

 Good one, Wiz!

A few Steven Wright one liners:

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Interesting read Doc!!!!

The tape on mine is to prevent shattering ... not that I'm game to look, just the same.

Hehe, I think I remember you saying this before... or do I!

LMAO!!!! That's about the funniest thing I've ever heard!!

Thanks, TG....great to see you back and active!   

Here're a few more of his....really love the guy!

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while . . . the tires got dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway . . . he can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving . . . every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip . . . I don't remember what it was.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles." That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long . . . "

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moves it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly] and says, "Here, you can go."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.