When Should Mom Stop
Sleeping and Showering with Boys
Tuesday, August 12, 2008 by RadialFX | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
My girlfriend and I are at odds on when should a parent start exihbiting healthy boundries to their children. She has 2 boys (10 and 13) and still showers with them and allows them to sleep with her. She's even described her oldest son's genitals as starting to look "Manly". The other day they were laughing in the background, I asked her what was so funny and she said they were laughing about rubbing soap on her ass in the shower. There's the situation. I'm concerned that if we try to take this any further I'm gonna be the "Bad Guy" that came along and took their space in the bed, shower, etc... Not to mention the kind of emotional damage it may induce. I know that the LAST thing I ever want to remember is what my mom looked like naked. I need some feedback....please. Thanks
Edit: The reason I'm asking is because she thinks I'm whacked for being critical of the situation and It's about to cause a breakup. If I'm being wierd about this then I can swallow it and go on. BUT, I'm just convinced that there are going to be some major issues if she continues to ignore the suggestions. Issues that would be tough to deal with, jealousy, rebellion, all sorts of acting out, etc...
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vStyler
Reply #22 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 3:00 PM
Reply #22 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 3:00 PM
Yeah thats not good at all, creepy at best.. I'd leave.
DrJBHL
Reply #23 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 3:01 PM
Well, if you really need that extra impetus:
From the Latin, "incestus" or unchaste, refers to sexual activity between two people of close kinship, typically by reason of marriage ...
www.forensicexaminers.com/terminology.html
Incest is child sexual abuse by a person the child perceives as a member of the family.
www.sarsonline.org/defhelp_definitions.php
# Sexual activity between individuals so closely related that marriage is prohibited. Incest involving a child is a form of child abuse.
www.medicinenet.com/rape/glossary.htm
# sexual contact that a family member or caretaker imposes on a child who is unable to alter the behavior because of his/her powerlessness in the family.
free-rape-stories.com/handouts/definitions.htm
# is sexual activity between close family members. Incest is considered taboo, and forbidden (fully or slightly) in the majority of current and past ...
www.americola.com/sites/Incestuous
# sexual intercourse between persons too closely related to marry (as between a parent and a child)
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
# Incest is defined as sexual intercourse or any form of sexual activity between closely related persons, especially within the nuclear family. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incest
Reply #23 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 3:01 PM
Well, if you really need that extra impetus:
From the Latin, "incestus" or unchaste, refers to sexual activity between two people of close kinship, typically by reason of marriage ...
www.forensicexaminers.com/terminology.html
Incest is child sexual abuse by a person the child perceives as a member of the family.
www.sarsonline.org/defhelp_definitions.php
# Sexual activity between individuals so closely related that marriage is prohibited. Incest involving a child is a form of child abuse.
www.medicinenet.com/rape/glossary.htm
# sexual contact that a family member or caretaker imposes on a child who is unable to alter the behavior because of his/her powerlessness in the family.
free-rape-stories.com/handouts/definitions.htm
# is sexual activity between close family members. Incest is considered taboo, and forbidden (fully or slightly) in the majority of current and past ...
www.americola.com/sites/Incestuous
# sexual intercourse between persons too closely related to marry (as between a parent and a child)
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
# Incest is defined as sexual intercourse or any form of sexual activity between closely related persons, especially within the nuclear family. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incest
DrJBHL
Reply #24 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 3:10 PM
Webgizmos....Absolutely correct! This is reportable, and RadialFX might be held complicit (as in conspiracy) and therefore as an accessory before, to and after the fact.
RadialFX: If you don't want to find yourself ending up on a REALLY bad kind of list, and having to register with the Police, you'd better get your head on right and report this ASAP. This is no joking matter. SVU's thrive on this.
Reply #24 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 3:10 PM
Let me throw this up in the air: Is letting it cause a breakup enough, really? If you can't get in her head that what she's doing is so wrong and bad for those kids, isn't it your responsibility to call the proper authorities to make sure she can't continue her actions?Nuff said!
Webgizmos....Absolutely correct! This is reportable, and RadialFX might be held complicit (as in conspiracy) and therefore as an accessory before, to and after the fact.
RadialFX: If you don't want to find yourself ending up on a REALLY bad kind of list, and having to register with the Police, you'd better get your head on right and report this ASAP. This is no joking matter. SVU's thrive on this.
RadialFX
Reply #25 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 10:15 PM
Reply #25 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 10:15 PM
Well, I did report it to my counselor today and she's going to handle it from there. I ended with her last night just explaining that I wouldn't deal with the issues that I knew were on the horizon and that I thought it was just plain wrong. Don't get me wrong it wasn't easy because as luck would have it, other than these major issues, her and I got along great and had a really fun 3 yrs together.
At this point I'm just so dissapointed that I never picked up on it before and I really do understand that she's in denial about it. If anyone doesn't know denial, to me it means that she really doesn't think that there's anything wrong with what is happening. I'm sure in her mind she thinks nothing of it. Obviously, stems from some stuff in her childhood. Either way, I really, really appreciate all of your input and it really confirmed what I was already thinking.
It's funny how sometimes even though you know somethings wrong you can actually question your own beliefs and standards. Again thanks to everyone and I'm sure when the crap hit's fan over there I'm gonna get an earfull.
At this point I'm just so dissapointed that I never picked up on it before and I really do understand that she's in denial about it. If anyone doesn't know denial, to me it means that she really doesn't think that there's anything wrong with what is happening. I'm sure in her mind she thinks nothing of it. Obviously, stems from some stuff in her childhood. Either way, I really, really appreciate all of your input and it really confirmed what I was already thinking.
It's funny how sometimes even though you know somethings wrong you can actually question your own beliefs and standards. Again thanks to everyone and I'm sure when the crap hit's fan over there I'm gonna get an earfull.
DrJBHL
Reply #26 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 10:31 PM
Reply #26 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 10:31 PM
RadialFX, you did the only right thing, and more power to you. Better luck in the future.
zakai1369
Reply #28 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 10:40 PM
Reply #28 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 10:40 PM
Glad to see you did something about it. To many people these days just look the other way when it comes to other people.
Robbie_Boy
Reply #29 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 10:56 PM
Reply #29 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 10:56 PM
Man that's crazy..
but i think your better off out of it mate....
Let's hope she and the two boy's can get some good help...
but i think your better off out of it mate....
Let's hope she and the two boy's can get some good help...
RadialFX
Reply #30 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 11:48 PM
Reply #30 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 11:48 PM
I really want to thank everyone here at WC. It's really easy to overlook the true support you get on here. I really do hope they get the help they need. It's really sad but this is truly how things pass from one generation to the next without any bad intentions. My counselor is a really great one. I raised 2 boys by myself, their mother moved out of state when they were 5 and 10 so I had them 24/7's. They suffered alot of seperation anxiety and she really helped them so much. I have confidence that she'll handle this in a manner that will be a real benefit for them. I'm also real sure that in the early going I'm gonna get called everything in the book at some point. But.....I don't think she'll be able to come up with anything I haven't been called before! he,he Anyway, thank you everyone, very much!! RAD
vStyler
Reply #31 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 12:03 AM
Thats not such a bad thing.. chin up.. move on.
Reply #31 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 12:03 AM
I'm gonna get called everything in the book
Thats not such a bad thing.. chin up.. move on.
Jafo
Reply #32 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 12:28 AM
Reply #32 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 12:28 AM
I'm also real sure that in the early going I'm gonna get called everything in the book at some point.
Like....'socially aware' and 'responsible adult'....
http://www.bluelight.com.au/smart_handbook.html The 'Kidsmart' handbook is one of the 'bigger' expenses I subscribe to.
Helps make up for all those 'strange' people out there that put children's safety low on their list of priorities...for whatever reason...
PuterDudeJim
Reply #33 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 12:40 AM
Exactly. The welfare of the kids should be the top priority here.
Reply #33 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 12:40 AM
Let me throw this up in the air: Is letting it cause a breakup enough, really? If you can't get in her head that what she's doing is so wrong and bad for those kids, isn't it your responsibility to call the proper authorities to make sure she can't continue her actions?
Exactly. The welfare of the kids should be the top priority here.
PuterDudeJim
Reply #34 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 12:42 AM
What?
Reply #34 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 12:42 AM
Peculiar first of the kind...
May be she didnt live with her husband so...
But definitely there is nothing worst.. If u ask with love she and children would agree and if u scold they won't
Yes the behaviour is strange but IF U CONSULT A PSYCHOLOGIST... It will be very nice...Break and build both start with B but It takes years to build but only seconds to break a relation..
After all she lived in period of tension and frustation..if u love her 1.ASK A PSYCHOLOGIST..tell the whole tale
2.GO ALONE FIRST TIME..never compel her until the psychologist says
3.DO WHAT HE SAYS...
4.beware of lawyers
May be she didnt live with her husband so...
But definitely there is nothing worst.. If u ask with love she and children would agree and if u scold they won't
Yes the behaviour is strange but IF U CONSULT A PSYCHOLOGIST... It will be very nice...Break and build both start with B but It takes years to build but only seconds to break a relation..
After all she lived in period of tension and frustation..if u love her 1.ASK A PSYCHOLOGIST..tell the whole tale
2.GO ALONE FIRST TIME..never compel her until the psychologist says
3.DO WHAT HE SAYS...
4.beware of lawyers
What?
PuterDudeJim
Reply #35 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 12:44 AM
Unrefined......yet delightfully tacky!! ROFLMAO!!!
Reply #35 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 12:44 AM
Oh...on another note...is she looking to adopt?
Unrefined......yet delightfully tacky!! ROFLMAO!!!
starkers
Reply #36 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 1:39 AM
You did the right thing, Rad! They might not think so now, but further down the track they will see it was for the best and thank you for defusing a complicated situation that could only have gotten worse. As it is, because these boys have grown up to believe this is normal behaviour, they are going to have issues with establishing and maintaining normal relationships in the future, particularly with women and kids, and the longer it went on the more collateral damage there would have been.
Of course it wasn't, not after 3 years and naturally forming an attachment, but more power to you for sticking to your guns and doing what you know had to be done in everyone's better interests.
Been there done that and know this only too well. You form an emotional bond and sort of don't want to believe what they're doing is all that wrong, sort of turning a blind eye and thinking "maybe it's just me and am I making a mountain out of a molehill." I went through this with my 1st wife when she could have been behaving much better - and I kept hoping things would change for the better after expressing my concerns - but at the end of the day I knew that I had to stop hoping and making excuses and end the relationship. It wasn't the easiest thing for me to do, being that I believe kids need their mother, but it was the right decision for everyone concerned, especially my kids because they weren't influenced by a drug affected mother in their daily lives.
Anyhow, Rad, you've done the right thing and I hope good/better things are there for you on the horizon... so go get 'em, mate.
Reply #36 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 1:39 AM
Well, I did report it to my counselor today and she's going to handle it from there.
You did the right thing, Rad! They might not think so now, but further down the track they will see it was for the best and thank you for defusing a complicated situation that could only have gotten worse. As it is, because these boys have grown up to believe this is normal behaviour, they are going to have issues with establishing and maintaining normal relationships in the future, particularly with women and kids, and the longer it went on the more collateral damage there would have been.
Don't get me wrong it wasn't easy
Of course it wasn't, not after 3 years and naturally forming an attachment, but more power to you for sticking to your guns and doing what you know had to be done in everyone's better interests.
It's funny how sometimes even though you know somethings wrong you can actually question your own beliefs and standards.
Been there done that and know this only too well. You form an emotional bond and sort of don't want to believe what they're doing is all that wrong, sort of turning a blind eye and thinking "maybe it's just me and am I making a mountain out of a molehill." I went through this with my 1st wife when she could have been behaving much better - and I kept hoping things would change for the better after expressing my concerns - but at the end of the day I knew that I had to stop hoping and making excuses and end the relationship. It wasn't the easiest thing for me to do, being that I believe kids need their mother, but it was the right decision for everyone concerned, especially my kids because they weren't influenced by a drug affected mother in their daily lives.
Anyhow, Rad, you've done the right thing and I hope good/better things are there for you on the horizon... so go get 'em, mate.
WeatherBound
Reply #37 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 1:44 AM
Reply #37 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 1:44 AM
OMG!
You did the right thing by leaving and do not look back.
Report it to the proper authorities. She may think its All Innocent, But to the real world and to child protection agencies, It raises all sorts of red flags.
You are doing the right Thing. It needs to stop.
I wish you luck.
You did the right thing by leaving and do not look back.
Report it to the proper authorities. She may think its All Innocent, But to the real world and to child protection agencies, It raises all sorts of red flags.
You are doing the right Thing. It needs to stop.
I wish you luck.
Vampothika
Reply #38 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 1:45 AM
Reply #38 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 1:45 AM
dont worry radial, i question stuff all the time too....probably too much, glad you ended it, I was thinking along the lines of incest also......
Excalpius
Reply #39 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 1:58 AM
Reply #39 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 1:58 AM
RadialFX,
It's normal, and refreshingly open minded of you, to consider all the options, seek consultation from multiple sources (like here), and then act on what you then conclude is the right course of action. Too many people today just look the other way, assuming it is "none of their business". But in this case, she clearly has a psychological issue that needs counseling and it's best to happen NOW before this starts to take on the appearance of something abusive/sexual. Hopefully it is not actually at that stage, and nothing you have said so far seems to indicate that. Odds are her misplaced attachment/affection issues developed as a result of the divorce from the father, which means she should have stopped when the two of you became intimate/involved. Since it apparently didn't, therapy is needed immediately. The good news is that it is very possible that she can learn to sleep without these "companion substitutes" and return to a healthy autonomous relationship with her children. At that point, perhaps your relationship with her could continue in a similarly healthy manner? But only AFTER she's dealt with the underlying psychological issues, of course.
Best of luck to you (and to them) either way.
It's normal, and refreshingly open minded of you, to consider all the options, seek consultation from multiple sources (like here), and then act on what you then conclude is the right course of action. Too many people today just look the other way, assuming it is "none of their business". But in this case, she clearly has a psychological issue that needs counseling and it's best to happen NOW before this starts to take on the appearance of something abusive/sexual. Hopefully it is not actually at that stage, and nothing you have said so far seems to indicate that. Odds are her misplaced attachment/affection issues developed as a result of the divorce from the father, which means she should have stopped when the two of you became intimate/involved. Since it apparently didn't, therapy is needed immediately. The good news is that it is very possible that she can learn to sleep without these "companion substitutes" and return to a healthy autonomous relationship with her children. At that point, perhaps your relationship with her could continue in a similarly healthy manner? But only AFTER she's dealt with the underlying psychological issues, of course.
Best of luck to you (and to them) either way.
superman
Reply #40 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 3:07 AM
I just meant to say there is some mental problem so a psychoanalyst or a psychiatrist can better cure them.. at least for the children...
Since he loved her for three years why he could not realize it before and when he realized he will put her behind the bars.... What will be future of her children then.. who will feed them.. She is their mother not enemy nor this is a case of child abuse... Its a state of mental disorder... Great love! ...why don't try to cure her...instead of using use and throw policy.... three years of togetherness isn't a less time.....you can't deny the moments you had.....
True the girl is barbaric but u are civilized, use the assets civilization has provided to you... get them cured not curbed....
TO REMOVE EVILS DOES NOT MEAN KILL THE DEVILS....It means to remove evils from them...purify their heart...
Thats what our Father Of Nation- Mahatma Gandhi... used to say.......
Conclusion: Consult a psychologist..
Read wikipedia or psychology.com....liberalize your mind or love was false....
I know I am harsh but at this little age.. I have faced two betrayals....
Take my karma away for being me such... but I will do until u get them treated by a psychologist...
I am getting late for my school ...bye.....
SEE THE GOODS FIRST THEN THE BADS....... Good is that she loves you.. Bad is that she loves children too!!!! But another good she can be cured........
Reply #40 Wednesday, August 13, 2008 3:07 AM
What?
I just meant to say there is some mental problem so a psychoanalyst or a psychiatrist can better cure them.. at least for the children...
Since he loved her for three years why he could not realize it before and when he realized he will put her behind the bars.... What will be future of her children then.. who will feed them.. She is their mother not enemy nor this is a case of child abuse... Its a state of mental disorder... Great love! ...why don't try to cure her...instead of using use and throw policy.... three years of togetherness isn't a less time.....you can't deny the moments you had.....
True the girl is barbaric but u are civilized, use the assets civilization has provided to you... get them cured not curbed....
TO REMOVE EVILS DOES NOT MEAN KILL THE DEVILS....It means to remove evils from them...purify their heart...
Thats what our Father Of Nation- Mahatma Gandhi... used to say.......
Conclusion: Consult a psychologist..
Read wikipedia or psychology.com....liberalize your mind or love was false....
I know I am harsh but at this little age.. I have faced two betrayals....
Take my karma away for being me such... but I will do until u get them treated by a psychologist...
I am getting late for my school ...bye.....
SEE THE GOODS FIRST THEN THE BADS....... Good is that she loves you.. Bad is that she loves children too!!!! But another good she can be cured........
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Reply #21 Tuesday, August 12, 2008 2:52 PM
GTF the hell out of there! Leave a hole in the air behind you! There might be 50 ways to leave your lover (P. Simon) but the quickest way is by phone: Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD.
Ever wonder why her hubby AIN'T there?
There's only one way to express this: I N A P P R O P R I A T E
I also wonder why you even ask anyone's feedback on this....lacking a moral compass?
Here's a clue: North is out the door!!!
Need any further "feedback"?