I am Bill Gates of Borg... if somebody used the inter-office mail transport system here to deposit 'Brasso' on my desk, I wouldn't necessarily fire them, but I'd definitely put Windows ME on his office computer and 'Clippy' [the MS Office assistant] on the end of his implant to make sure it didn't happen again.

I am Long Dong Silver of Borg.... I put my implant in a glory hole once and ended up having to call the paramedics to extricate me.  Yeah, some smart ass on the other side tied a damned knot in it.

I am Ron Jeremy of Borg.... Yeah, I was doing a scene with an up-and-coming [but inexperienced] starlet where we were supposed to run across the room towards each other and embrace passionately.  Trouble was, we missed and I made a glory hole of my own on the opposite side of the room.

I am Charlie Sheen of Borg... and I need a new catchphrase as "Winning" no longer cuts it since I lost my job; lost my stash the day the cops raided my joint; lost my machete because I'm not allowed to have weapons; lost the respect of my family since I became a drug-fucked babbling idiot; lost my dignity because I've become a skanky ho;  lost my self-respect because even I am finding me impossible to live with, and I lost all my hooker friends because I'm running out of money and am suffering brewers droop.

I am The Man Upstairs of Borg ... To my dear Charlie Sheen. Fashizzleitupyournose.

I am Heinie Weinie of Borg ... To my dear Charlie Sheen. Go suck a duck cause you sure are duckin' this **** of late.

I am Charlie Sheen of Borg ...... I'm a WINNER ... WINNER ... WIN ...... KABLAAAM!!!

I am Thor The Thunder Dude of Borg. I cannot tell a lie. Yes ... I hit that slovenly, drup addicted nincompoop with my hammer.

I am Dr. Conrad Murray.... ya know, if that loser Charlie Sheen wants to be put out of our misery, I could always leave a Propotol laden syringe just laying around his apartment.

I am The Grim Reaper of Borg.... yeah well, either way, Charlie's number is past due with all those drugs he takes, so as soon as my sickle comes back from the sharpeners I'll be around to collect him.

I an Beelzebub of Borg.... well when you do, just don't bring him here.  Hell has become over-run with drug f**ked losers just lately and I want a better class of people.

I am the Big Bloke Upstairs of Borg... don't bring him here, either,  I've just gotten a few porn starlets to repent and I don't need him up here corrupting them again.

I am Queen Rayeth of Borg ...... send the dipshit to me. I know the perfect place for him. The rug under my feet!

I am The Grim Reaper of Borg.... with that rug, Queen Rayeth of Borg, shall I remove the bones for your added comfort.

I am Queen Rayeth of Borg.... yes, that is an excellent idea, Grim Reaper of Borg, but I suffer foot cramps and I'd like you to leave his implant so I have something firm to rub my poor aching tootsies on.

I am Bree Olsen, porn star of Borg.... oh believe me, Queen Rayeth of Borg, Charlie's implant is anything but firm these days, and because of the bad reaction Viagra has with all the crack cocaine he smokes, he usually spends his days just dribbling sh*t.

I am Colonel Gadaffi of Borg... people comparing me to Charlie Sheen on crack will lose.  I am winning... I am.

I am World Poker Champion of Borg.... the only thing you're winning, Colonel Gadaffi of Borg, is 'bluff poker', and only then because you cheat at cards.

I am Charlie Sheen of Borg... anyone comparing Colonel Gadaffi of Borg to me has rocks in their head.  He's losing his grip on Libya, but I still have a firm grip on me and, even if the producers don't agree,  I'm still the 'half man' I used to be.

I am Entertainment Tonight of Borg.... a firm grip, eh?  Well we think you must have two implants... because you couldn't be that silly just 'gripping' one.

I am Poindexter of Borg ... I'm baaaaack. Lets see now ... where shall I begin. Oh ... I know. Charlie Sheen of Borg ... your implant sub has expired. You must return it forthwith and soonest. If not Bubba of Borg will pay you a visit.

I am Bubba of Borg ... the hell I will. Last time I paid that herkle jerk a visit he slobbered all over my brand new used implant and still to this day its sticky.

I am Poppa Doc Duvalier of Borg ... send the herkle jerk to me and Idi Amin of Borg. We'll take very 'good' care of him. Yum.

I am Poindexter's Mother of Borg ... please disregard everything my idiot son says. He's spends way too much time playing with Bubba.

I am Charlie Sheen of Borg.... well Mrs. Poindexter of Borg, I'm glad that you didn't say to disregard your son because he hangs out to much with me  and now spends waaaay to much time playing with himself because I'm a bad role model.

I am Tiger Woods of Borg... I may have myself a 22 y/o piece of fluff who looks remarkably like my ex-wife, Elin, but that's not going to stop me playing a round of... er, with 18 holes whenever I feel like it.

I am the former Mrs Woods of Borg.... and they say a leopard never changes its spots.

Iam ZipZeroZilchNadaNuthin of Borg ... never mind.

I am Colonel Gaddafi... hehe, they won't find me hiding down a hole like Saddam Hussein,  I'm going to go out into the desert, cover myself with a roll of sandpaper and disguise myself as a dune.

Until some Camel comes along and decides to shove his nose there and wonders why it smells like shit. Or ... better yet wait until Poindexter gets there. He says he has come up with a new way to hide. It involves ingesting a fair amount of nitro, munching on two sticks of C4, very carefully mind you, three liters of high octane jet fuel and a book of matches with but one match left. Why only one you ask ... well after striking it you won't need any more. Best part is no one will ever find you.

I am David Attenborough of Borg....  I am here in the Libyan desert observing a pack of wild dog pissing on this weird looking sand dune and wondering why it is speaking in Arabic for them to go to hell or their mothers and children will be shot.   Oh look, now a North African Vulture has landed on top of the sand dune and is pulling at something it believes is food.  Now I am hearing, in Arabic again: "Oh shit, now the ghost of one of my mother-in-laws has come to pick my bones." 

I am Camera Operator of Borg.... hey David Attenborough of Borg.... do you want me to capture that brownish looking sludge that's leaking from the bottom of the sand dune, or get the wet patch that's appearing at the front?

I am BBC Producer of Borg... get them both you idiot, get them both!!!!!!!!!

I am Shane Warne of Borg.... looks like Liz Hurley and I are back on again cos she can't get enough of me.

I am ex-Mrs Warne of Borg.... the only reason Liz can't get enough of you is because your implant's so damned small.

I am Ricky Ponting of Borg.... never mind, Shane Warne of Borg, my missus reckons I haven't got any balls because I won't do the right thing by the Australian cricket team and stand down to allow in some real talent.  Admittedly they're quite small, but I do have some

     You only think you do Ricky Ponting of Borg ... I have it on the best of authorities that you got those 'balls' from the 5 & dime surplus lower level flea market two years ago because they were on sale for a pittance that you said you'd owe the proprietor and he says you still haven't paid him for them which is why he tacked on a years worth of interest at 999.999 percent compounded daily by the hour with intrinsic fortitude no less. Pay up forthwith or have your 'balls ' twisted by a first class second rate brand new used Ballsy Twister whose expiration date was scraped off by you the other day 'cause you didn't want anyone to know it was you that did it three times out behind the out house in house because the in house out house was out of order for a whole month and only recently was it delivered but you sent it back with a note saying it was undersized the wrong way and you specifically requested that it be over-sized the right way as opposed to the left because you used to be a lefty before your implant was recalled due to lack of use or so says your then spouse who promptly ran away with Bubba of Borg because he at least knows his way around things.

I am Dr Gonads of Borg... actually, Ricky Ponting of Borg, you don't have any balls.  You were born without them and I implanted a couple of dried peas to help balance things out a little.

I am Shane Warne of Borg... hey Dr Gonads, is there any way you can enlarge my implant?  And it's not just for the ladies, either.  It's like this, you see, when I have to go for a pee I have to throw pepper on it because I can't find it, and when it sneezes I have to grab it quick before it disappears again.

I am Dr Gonads of Borg.... there is no way of enlarging implants other than surgery.  Now here's how it goes!  We take some brain tissue because it most resembles implant tissue and we graft it to the implant... but in your case, I'm afraid to say, you don't have enough brain tissue to harvest, not even for the smallest of procedures.

I am Uvah of Borg.... I haven't been in this thread of late because I got my implant stuck in a portal downtown.  Let's just say that I'll never trust a sign in a public bathroom that says "Implant Washes - Only 5c" ever again.

I are starkers of Borg ...... I gots mine Curried Cabbage. Fresh from under mine porch. Only two day old. Nice and brown and squishy too. I gonna eat it all up and wait for the rumbles to kick in. Then I are gonna turn and face northwest and cut one loose that will make the tsunami that hit Japan look like a ripple in mine bathtub. Then I gonna run like hell for cover cause the evil googleheads will want to use me for nefarious ends.