Joke Central
please add your own, we all can use a laugh
Thursday, February 7, 2008 by Keila | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
IRS
At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."
What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."
What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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superman
Reply #62 Friday, May 9, 2008 2:38 PM
Reply #62 Friday, May 9, 2008 2:38 PM
A famous quote
"if sumone steals ur wife, then there is no better revenge than let him keep her." sacha guitry
"if sumone steals ur wife, then there is no better revenge than let him keep her." sacha guitry
ALMonty
Reply #63 Saturday, May 10, 2008 2:23 PM
Reply #63 Saturday, May 10, 2008 2:23 PM
Elderly Proposal...
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no?" He couldnt remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didnt remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldnt remember who had asked me."
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no?" He couldnt remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didnt remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldnt remember who had asked me."
starkers
Reply #64 Monday, May 12, 2008 1:26 PM
Reply #64 Monday, May 12, 2008 1:26 PM
Woman has to go away for a couple of weeks to care for her mother who was recuperating from major surgery and leaves her lazy, good for nothing husband at home to fend for himself. Well after a few days he discovered that he had eaten everything in the pantry and fridge, so began scouring other kitchen cupboards for food. His search was fruitful, for in the cupboard under the kitchen sink was a couple of dozen large tins of Pal...
Yup, you guessed it, rather than go to the store to buy groceries, he began eating the dog food. This continued until his wife returned from her mother's to find the fridge empty and the pantry bare.
Wife: "I'm off to the store to get some groceries, is there anything you want me to get?"
Husband: "Yeah, get me a few tins of Pal, will ya!"
Well off to the store she goes, and she gets the various items she needs... plus the Pal for her husband.
Storekeeper: "Why all the Pal Mrs, didn't you dog die a while back?"
Woman: "Oh, it's not for a dog... it's for my husband."
Storekeeper: "I wouldn't give him that if I were you, it'll kill him!"
Woman: "Well he's been eating it for the last week and it doesn't seem to have harmed him. Besides, he's become quite partial to it... and with the money I save I'll soon be able to buy myself that new pair of shoes I need."
Every week for the next month it was the same thing... her usual groceries and a box of Pal for her husband. However, one day she is in the store, dressed all in black and there's no Pal going through the checkout....
Storekeeper: "I can't help but notice Mrs, but there's no Pal and you're dress all in black.... what happened?"
Woman: "Oh it's my husband... he died!"
Storekeeper: "I told you that dog food would end up killing him."
Woman: "Oh no, it wasn't the Pal that killed him."
Storekeeper: "Well how did he die, then?"
Woman: "He was in the middle of the road licking his dick and a car ran over him."
Yup, you guessed it, rather than go to the store to buy groceries, he began eating the dog food. This continued until his wife returned from her mother's to find the fridge empty and the pantry bare.
Wife: "I'm off to the store to get some groceries, is there anything you want me to get?"
Husband: "Yeah, get me a few tins of Pal, will ya!"
Well off to the store she goes, and she gets the various items she needs... plus the Pal for her husband.
Storekeeper: "Why all the Pal Mrs, didn't you dog die a while back?"
Woman: "Oh, it's not for a dog... it's for my husband."
Storekeeper: "I wouldn't give him that if I were you, it'll kill him!"
Woman: "Well he's been eating it for the last week and it doesn't seem to have harmed him. Besides, he's become quite partial to it... and with the money I save I'll soon be able to buy myself that new pair of shoes I need."
Every week for the next month it was the same thing... her usual groceries and a box of Pal for her husband. However, one day she is in the store, dressed all in black and there's no Pal going through the checkout....
Storekeeper: "I can't help but notice Mrs, but there's no Pal and you're dress all in black.... what happened?"
Woman: "Oh it's my husband... he died!"
Storekeeper: "I told you that dog food would end up killing him."
Woman: "Oh no, it wasn't the Pal that killed him."
Storekeeper: "Well how did he die, then?"
Woman: "He was in the middle of the road licking his dick and a car ran over him."
ALMonty
Reply #65 Monday, May 12, 2008 1:31 PM
Reply #65 Monday, May 12, 2008 1:31 PM
Rearrange the Letters...
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Wizard1956
Reply #67 Monday, May 12, 2008 2:22 PM
Reply #67 Monday, May 12, 2008 2:22 PM
Ways to Tell a Redneck is on Your Computer
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. The password is, "bubba."
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
Also Handy:
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. The password is, "bubba."
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
Also Handy:
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.
starkers
Reply #68 Wednesday, May 14, 2008 2:19 PM
Reply #68 Wednesday, May 14, 2008 2:19 PM
woman walks into a fish shop. She is pretending that she is mute and says, "MM MM MM NN MNN."
The clerk says, "What?"
The woman again mumbles, "MM MM MM NN MNN."
The clerk replies, "I don't understand you, I'll have to get my manager."
The girl goes and gets her manager. The manager comes out and asks, "May i help you?"
The woman lifts up her shirt and the manager says, "HOLY MACKEREL."
The woman replies, "Yes, I would like two pounds please."
The clerk says, "What?"
The woman again mumbles, "MM MM MM NN MNN."
The clerk replies, "I don't understand you, I'll have to get my manager."
The girl goes and gets her manager. The manager comes out and asks, "May i help you?"
The woman lifts up her shirt and the manager says, "HOLY MACKEREL."
The woman replies, "Yes, I would like two pounds please."
ALMonty
Reply #69 Wednesday, May 14, 2008 4:24 PM
Reply #69 Wednesday, May 14, 2008 4:24 PM
Aliens In Detroit...
Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Of course he gets no response...
The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no response...
The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!"
At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump...
The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?" The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy who's dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear!
Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Of course he gets no response...
The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no response...
The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!"
At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump...
The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?" The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy who's dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear!
Wizard1956
Reply #72 Saturday, May 17, 2008 4:00 PM
Reply #72 Saturday, May 17, 2008 4:00 PM
Who is Jack Schitt?
How many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my friend's generous genealogy efforts, you can now
Respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
Magnate, married O. Schitt,
The owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
Produced six children: Holie
Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep
Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb
Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with
Them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
A rather nervous disposition
Named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
Inseparable throughout childhood
And subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The
Wedding announcement in the
Newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
Recently returned from Italy with his new
Italian bride, Pisa Schitt..
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
Them
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.
Sent to me by my mom.
How many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my friend's generous genealogy efforts, you can now
Respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
Magnate, married O. Schitt,
The owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
Produced six children: Holie
Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep
Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb
Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with
Them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
A rather nervous disposition
Named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
Inseparable throughout childhood
And subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The
Wedding announcement in the
Newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
Recently returned from Italy with his new
Italian bride, Pisa Schitt..
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
Them
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.
Sent to me by my mom.
Wizard1956
Reply #73 Saturday, May 17, 2008 4:25 PM
Reply #73 Saturday, May 17, 2008 4:25 PM
One more: Software Upgrade
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
********************************************
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
********************************************
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
starkers
Reply #74 Saturday, May 17, 2008 10:42 PM
Reply #74 Saturday, May 17, 2008 10:42 PM
~TWENTY DOLLARS~
On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In
his highly aroused state, her husband readily
agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for more
than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to
afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer
was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had
been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and
therefore, they
were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totalling
nearly $1 million. Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that
for the more than
three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied
and these were the
results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3
million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but
finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If
I'd had any idea what you
were doing, I would have given you all my
business!'
****His funeral was attended by family and a few close friends****
On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In
his highly aroused state, her husband readily
agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for more
than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to
afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer
was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had
been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and
therefore, they
were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totalling
nearly $1 million. Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that
for the more than
three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied
and these were the
results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3
million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but
finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If
I'd had any idea what you
were doing, I would have given you all my
business!'
****His funeral was attended by family and a few close friends****
Keila
Reply #75 Monday, May 19, 2008 9:56 AM
Reply #75 Monday, May 19, 2008 9:56 AM
Are We Lost
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
Wizard1956
Reply #76 Monday, May 19, 2008 11:33 AM
Reply #76 Monday, May 19, 2008 11:33 AM
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the **** is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'Honey,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the **** is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'Honey,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'
zakai1369
Reply #77 Tuesday, May 20, 2008 12:50 PM
Reply #77 Tuesday, May 20, 2008 12:50 PM
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing
this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'
'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.
'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
'No, would you like to give it a try?'
Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other
guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car
keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed
to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and
said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'
______________________________________________________________________________-
When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy ... it's pretty damn smart.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why m en think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like i t,
I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pa ir of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with
excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel
like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like sh e was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing
this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'
'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.
'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
'No, would you like to give it a try?'
Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other
guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car
keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed
to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and
said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'
______________________________________________________________________________-
When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy ... it's pretty damn smart.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why m en think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like i t,
I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pa ir of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with
excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel
like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like sh e was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.
Wizard1956
Reply #78 Tuesday, May 20, 2008 3:09 PM
Reply #78 Tuesday, May 20, 2008 3:09 PM
Bubba Had Shingles
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
starkers
Reply #79 Thursday, May 22, 2008 2:34 AM
Reply #79 Thursday, May 22, 2008 2:34 AM
A woman dies and is met by St Peter at the Pearly Gates, who then gives her a guided tour of Heaven. She is shown around what, to her, is like a 10 star hotel with all the mod cons and luxuries... absolutely superb decor; sumptuous furnishings; waiters and waitresses topping up drinks and bringing around platters of food; free taxis to ferry everyone around to where ever they wish and countless places of culture and entertainment, such as picture theatres, museums and art galleries, etc.
The woman was suitably impressed and was preparing for her evening meal when she heard what sounded like a dentist's drill and someone screaming in total agony, to which she inquired of St Peter: "What on Earth is that??"
St Peter replies: "Not on Earth m' dear... this is Heaven, and the lady in the queue just ahead of you is being drilled for her angel wings."
About an hour later the woman is again alarmed at the sound of drilling and more screams of agony, and again she inquires of St Peter: "What on Earth are they doing to her now??"
St Peter replies: "She is now being drilled for her halo."
The woman was quite disturbed by all this and asks St Peter where the elevator is so that she can go to Hell instead... to which he replies: "Oh no, you don't want to go there, they'll rape and sodomise you down there."
"Yes," said the woman: "but I already have all the holes for that!"
The woman was suitably impressed and was preparing for her evening meal when she heard what sounded like a dentist's drill and someone screaming in total agony, to which she inquired of St Peter: "What on Earth is that??"
St Peter replies: "Not on Earth m' dear... this is Heaven, and the lady in the queue just ahead of you is being drilled for her angel wings."
About an hour later the woman is again alarmed at the sound of drilling and more screams of agony, and again she inquires of St Peter: "What on Earth are they doing to her now??"
St Peter replies: "She is now being drilled for her halo."
The woman was quite disturbed by all this and asks St Peter where the elevator is so that she can go to Hell instead... to which he replies: "Oh no, you don't want to go there, they'll rape and sodomise you down there."
"Yes," said the woman: "but I already have all the holes for that!"
Wizard1956
Reply #80 Monday, May 26, 2008 12:03 PM
Reply #80 Monday, May 26, 2008 12:03 PM
Summer is right around the corner(in the USA anyway)so my mom sent me this. New Treatment For Sunburn
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours
and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes,a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours
and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes,a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
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Reply #61 Friday, May 9, 2008 1:36 PM
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful woman in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knights best friend.
He yells - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"