Joke Central
please add your own, we all can use a laugh
Thursday, February 7, 2008 by Keila | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
IRS
At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."
What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."
What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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ALMonty
Reply #42 Monday, April 28, 2008 8:28 AM
Reply #42 Monday, April 28, 2008 8:28 AM
One for the Ladies
Breast Exam Poem
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.
"Stand up very close" she said.
As she got my boob in line,
"And tell me when it hurts" she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine.
She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vise!
My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt.
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this viscous thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Lord have mercy I was praying.
It squeezed me from up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how they come out!
Breast Exam Poem
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.
"Stand up very close" she said.
As she got my boob in line,
"And tell me when it hurts" she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine.
She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vise!
My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt.
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this viscous thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Lord have mercy I was praying.
It squeezed me from up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how they come out!
mrs_starkers
Reply #43 Tuesday, April 29, 2008 2:30 AM
Reply #43 Tuesday, April 29, 2008 2:30 AM
A Rather Confident Man
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
starkers
Reply #44 Tuesday, April 29, 2008 5:22 AM
Reply #44 Tuesday, April 29, 2008 5:22 AM
One day a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. He goes up to the bartender and says, "Yar, Give me something to drink."
While the bartender is pouring the drink, he looks at the pirate and notices the steering wheel.
"Hey buddy, you know you have a steering wheel hanging out of your pants?"
The pirate looks at the bartender and says, "Yar, and it's driving me nuts!"
While the bartender is pouring the drink, he looks at the pirate and notices the steering wheel.
"Hey buddy, you know you have a steering wheel hanging out of your pants?"
The pirate looks at the bartender and says, "Yar, and it's driving me nuts!"
mrs_starkers
Reply #45 Tuesday, April 29, 2008 7:18 AM
Reply #45 Tuesday, April 29, 2008 7:18 AM
Egg Donor
One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.
"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"
"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.
"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"
"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
mrs_starkers
Reply #46 Tuesday, April 29, 2008 7:26 AM
Reply #46 Tuesday, April 29, 2008 7:26 AM
His First Exam
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.
Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Come on, nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.
Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Come on, nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"
bobbyhundreds
Reply #47 Tuesday, April 29, 2008 8:45 AM
Reply #47 Tuesday, April 29, 2008 8:45 AM
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary.
I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbecued 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"
I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbecued 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"
angus1949
Reply #48 Tuesday, April 29, 2008 9:31 AM
Reply #48 Tuesday, April 29, 2008 9:31 AM
A new store opened in New York. It's called The Husband Store. Women can go there to find a husband, but there are strict rules. She may visit the store only ONCE. There are 6 floors with men of differing qualities in ascending order. The women may go up a Flor at a time but may only go down all the way to the bottom and out the front door.
So a woman enters the store and reads the big sign inside the entrance by the elevator. The first floor sign reads: Men with jobs. She's intrigued but continues to the second floor. There the sign reads: Men with jobs and love children. Nice she thinks but I want more and proceeds to the third floor. There she is greeted by a sign that reads: Men who have jobs, love children and are extremely good looking. WOW she thinks but feels compelled to keep going. So on to the fourth floor where the sign reads: Men with jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous and help with housework. Oh my she thinks, I can hardly stand it but on to the fifth floor she goes. There the sign reads: Men who have jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay and take a husband from here but she goes on to the sixth floor, There the sign reads: You are visitor 37,365,498 to this floor. There are no men here. This floor only exists to prove you can't satisfy a woman. Thank you for shopping with us.
PLEASE NOTE:
So not to be gender bias the owner opened a store across the street called New Wives. The first floor has wives who love sex. The second floor has wives who love sex, have money and love beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
So a woman enters the store and reads the big sign inside the entrance by the elevator. The first floor sign reads: Men with jobs. She's intrigued but continues to the second floor. There the sign reads: Men with jobs and love children. Nice she thinks but I want more and proceeds to the third floor. There she is greeted by a sign that reads: Men who have jobs, love children and are extremely good looking. WOW she thinks but feels compelled to keep going. So on to the fourth floor where the sign reads: Men with jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous and help with housework. Oh my she thinks, I can hardly stand it but on to the fifth floor she goes. There the sign reads: Men who have jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay and take a husband from here but she goes on to the sixth floor, There the sign reads: You are visitor 37,365,498 to this floor. There are no men here. This floor only exists to prove you can't satisfy a woman. Thank you for shopping with us.
PLEASE NOTE:
So not to be gender bias the owner opened a store across the street called New Wives. The first floor has wives who love sex. The second floor has wives who love sex, have money and love beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
...
angus1949
Reply #50 Thursday, May 1, 2008 5:23 PM
Reply #50 Thursday, May 1, 2008 5:23 PM
Pat and Mike are walking down the street when they see a dog sitting in a yard and he's licking his male parts. Pat looked over at Mike and said "Man,I wish I could do that". Mike stated that perhaps Pat should pet the dog first.
ALMonty
Reply #51 Thursday, May 1, 2008 5:29 PM
Reply #51 Thursday, May 1, 2008 5:29 PM
Two Men From Scotland
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" "Aberdeen", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too!
Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacGregor twins are drunk again."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" "Aberdeen", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too!
Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacGregor twins are drunk again."
zakai1369
Reply #52 Thursday, May 1, 2008 8:19 PM
Reply #52 Thursday, May 1, 2008 8:19 PM
Pat and Mike are walking down the street when they see a dog sitting in a yard and he's licking his male parts. Pat looked over at Mike and said "Man,I wish I could do that". Mike stated that perhaps Pat should pet the dog first.
ALMonty
Reply #53 Thursday, May 1, 2008 8:39 PM
Reply #53 Thursday, May 1, 2008 8:39 PM
Don't Make a Nurse Angry...
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
mrs_starkers
Reply #54 Friday, May 2, 2008 3:20 AM
Reply #54 Friday, May 2, 2008 3:20 AM
A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom
blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size
44DD'S.
A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The
bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It
hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The
bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the
beer off of her breasts.
This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick
her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor
moaning and groaning.
'Why do you let the bartender do it?'
'Because he has.............(your gonna love this)......
A LICKER LICENSE!
blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size
44DD'S.
A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The
bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It
hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The
bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the
beer off of her breasts.
This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick
her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor
moaning and groaning.
'Why do you let the bartender do it?'
'Because he has.............(your gonna love this)......
A LICKER LICENSE!
ALMonty
Reply #56 Tuesday, May 6, 2008 11:07 PM
Reply #56 Tuesday, May 6, 2008 11:07 PM
Forgetful Actor...
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
zakai1369
Reply #59 Wednesday, May 7, 2008 5:54 PM got it? ... I saw it coming. But it was still a good laugh 
Reply #59 Wednesday, May 7, 2008 5:54 PM
got it? ... I saw it coming. But it was still a good laugh 
superman
Reply #60 Wednesday, May 7, 2008 9:00 PM
Reply #60 Wednesday, May 7, 2008 9:00 PM
A tourist goes into incoin's village. With the intension of having a glance at the great man's home, he asks a villager "Any GREAT MAN born in ur village? "
"No Sir! ONLY SMALL BABIES!!" replied the v
"No Sir! ONLY SMALL BABIES!!" replied the v
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Reply #41 Monday, April 28, 2008 1:21 AM
"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."
The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.
"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"
"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"
Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.
Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.
"What's this," says the drunk.
"That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.
The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced.
"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home."
Again the drunk notices the darts.
"If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks.
The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him."
"Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over.
Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.
"Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it.
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
"That's a prize for being such a good shot."
"Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar.
"Gimme a martini!" he demands.
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've been overserved already. Get on home."
Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:"Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?"
The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes.
"OK," he says, forking over the three darts.
The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.
Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye!
"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
"That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender.
"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"