Joke Central
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Thursday, February 7, 2008 by Keila | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
IRS
At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."
What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."
What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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starkers
Reply #22 Saturday, April 5, 2008 11:42 AM
Reply #22 Saturday, April 5, 2008 11:42 AM
Paddy and Mick, two typical Irish guys, were out for a night on the town when Paddy spots a church and tells Mick he needs to go in...
Mick says: "What in the hell for?? We're suppopsed to be out for a good time."
Paddy: "Mick me dear old mate, it's something I have to do.
With that, Paddy goes inside while Mick waits for him while he's giving confession.
"Father, it is that I've sinned again... committed adultery!!"
Priest: "And Paddy, now who would it have been you committed adultery with... it wouldn't have been that Mrs O' Flahety over on Dublin Street, would it??"
"No father, it wasn't!"
"Now tell me Paddy, would it have been Sinead O'Shea from Londonderry Street?"
"No father, it was not!"
"So Paddy, would it have been Kerry O'Milo from O'Duncan Street?"
"No father, it certainly was not!"
"OK, then Paddy, I'm guessing it was Winnie O'Keefe from Dunstall Road!!"
"No father, it wasn't her either."
"So tell me Paddy, would it not have been Kerry O'Shamus from the Dublin Arms pub?"
"Not at all Father, not at all!!"
"Right then Paddy, it would have had to have been Gemma O'Jameison from the Londonderry Inn, then?"
"No father, come to think of it, I can't quite remember her name now."
After being absolved of his sins and being told to say four Hail Mary's, Paddy emerged from the church with a huge grin from ear to ear...
"So Paddy, what do you find so amusing about giving confession?"
"Well Mick, we're out for a good night on the town, aren't we?"
"We sure are Paddy!"
"And you really want to enjoy yerself, don't ya?
"Sure do, Mick!"
"Well while I was in there I got half a dozen sure bets!""
Mick says: "What in the hell for?? We're suppopsed to be out for a good time."
Paddy: "Mick me dear old mate, it's something I have to do.
With that, Paddy goes inside while Mick waits for him while he's giving confession.
"Father, it is that I've sinned again... committed adultery!!"
Priest: "And Paddy, now who would it have been you committed adultery with... it wouldn't have been that Mrs O' Flahety over on Dublin Street, would it??"
"No father, it wasn't!"
"Now tell me Paddy, would it have been Sinead O'Shea from Londonderry Street?"
"No father, it was not!"
"So Paddy, would it have been Kerry O'Milo from O'Duncan Street?"
"No father, it certainly was not!"
"OK, then Paddy, I'm guessing it was Winnie O'Keefe from Dunstall Road!!"
"No father, it wasn't her either."
"So tell me Paddy, would it not have been Kerry O'Shamus from the Dublin Arms pub?"
"Not at all Father, not at all!!"
"Right then Paddy, it would have had to have been Gemma O'Jameison from the Londonderry Inn, then?"
"No father, come to think of it, I can't quite remember her name now."
After being absolved of his sins and being told to say four Hail Mary's, Paddy emerged from the church with a huge grin from ear to ear...
"So Paddy, what do you find so amusing about giving confession?"
"Well Mick, we're out for a good night on the town, aren't we?"
"We sure are Paddy!"
"And you really want to enjoy yerself, don't ya?
"Sure do, Mick!"
"Well while I was in there I got half a dozen sure bets!""
Keila
Reply #23 Friday, April 25, 2008 10:18 AM
Reply #23 Friday, April 25, 2008 10:18 AM
THIS IS A BAD DAY
AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of
my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on
the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135
lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of bricks, that barrel weighed approximately
50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kevin Roben
AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of
my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on
the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135
lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of bricks, that barrel weighed approximately
50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kevin Roben
starkers
Reply #24 Friday, April 25, 2008 9:02 PM
Brilliant.... haven't had such a good belly laugh in ages.
Funny thing is, my grandfather was a bricklayer and somewhat accident prone at times... although not as bad off as Kevin Roben... but I can almost picture my grandfather doing having a similar kind of accident... though he'd sit there, see the funny side of it and roar with laughter
Reply #24 Friday, April 25, 2008 9:02 PM
AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT
Brilliant.... haven't had such a good belly laugh in ages.
Funny thing is, my grandfather was a bricklayer and somewhat accident prone at times... although not as bad off as Kevin Roben... but I can almost picture my grandfather doing having a similar kind of accident... though he'd sit there, see the funny side of it and roar with laughter
ALMonty
Reply #25 Friday, April 25, 2008 9:13 PM
Reply #25 Friday, April 25, 2008 9:13 PM
Viagra Strikes Again...
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'
'What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.'
'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'
'What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.'
'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.
mike b1954
Reply #26 Friday, April 25, 2008 9:55 PM
Reply #26 Friday, April 25, 2008 9:55 PM
THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI)
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings ~ it's the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings ~ it's the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
mike b1954
Reply #27 Friday, April 25, 2008 9:58 PM
Reply #27 Friday, April 25, 2008 9:58 PM
The Spoon
Last week at a new restaurant, I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, just a short time later, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," he said. I was rather impressed. The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around.
I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right here?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. " Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the rest room."
"How so?"
"See" he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Last week at a new restaurant, I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, just a short time later, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," he said. I was rather impressed. The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around.
I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right here?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. " Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the rest room."
"How so?"
"See" he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
mike b1954
Reply #28 Friday, April 25, 2008 10:36 PM
Reply #28 Friday, April 25, 2008 10:36 PM
Posh *art
A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.
Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she *arts loudly.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you *arted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is !!!
A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.
Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she *arts loudly.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you *arted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is !!!
mike b1954
Reply #29 Friday, April 25, 2008 10:54 PM
Reply #29 Friday, April 25, 2008 10:54 PM
Taking A Picture -
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there
and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there
and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
zakai1369
Reply #30 Friday, April 25, 2008 11:06 PM
Reply #30 Friday, April 25, 2008 11:06 PM
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
mrs_starkers
Reply #32 Saturday, April 26, 2008 1:11 AM
Reply #32 Saturday, April 26, 2008 1:11 AM
try this for size......
A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.
A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.
mrs_starkers
Reply #33 Saturday, April 26, 2008 1:14 AM
Reply #33 Saturday, April 26, 2008 1:14 AM
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
mrs_starkers
Reply #35 Saturday, April 26, 2008 1:22 AM
Reply #35 Saturday, April 26, 2008 1:22 AM
EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
starkers
Reply #38 Sunday, April 27, 2008 5:38 AM
Reply #38 Sunday, April 27, 2008 5:38 AM
A very unassuming and naive young woman from an over-protective family meets up with a flasher one day, points to his manhood and asks: "What's that???"
Flasher: "That, my dear, is my pet swan... Would you like to stroke it?"
A couple of days later the flasher wakes up in hospital in excruciating pain, sees the concerned young woman sitting beside his bed and asks: "What the heck happened?"
Young woman: "Well I was stroking your pet swan and it spat at me... so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set its nest on fire!!"
Flasher: "That, my dear, is my pet swan... Would you like to stroke it?"
A couple of days later the flasher wakes up in hospital in excruciating pain, sees the concerned young woman sitting beside his bed and asks: "What the heck happened?"
Young woman: "Well I was stroking your pet swan and it spat at me... so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set its nest on fire!!"
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Reply #21 Thursday, April 3, 2008 10:03 AM
shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said, "Where?"