In Need of Expert Advice
Wednesday, September 26, 2007 by Elfkura | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
I know this seems like an odd post, but I have lived the last four months with my mother having threatened to kill me on more than 5 different occasions. This morning was another tally to the count.
I'm not talking about a threat that is said just because one is mad. We all know when those are simply just angry words. The look my mother gave me this morning, including numerous other occasions, is the solid look of murder. If she had a weapon she could kill me with at the moment of her brilliancy, I would've long since met whichever god that was bright enough to make me. I have been lucky so far, but how much longer will this luck last?
What do I do?
I'm not talking about a threat that is said just because one is mad. We all know when those are simply just angry words. The look my mother gave me this morning, including numerous other occasions, is the solid look of murder. If she had a weapon she could kill me with at the moment of her brilliancy, I would've long since met whichever god that was bright enough to make me. I have been lucky so far, but how much longer will this luck last?
What do I do?
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PoSmedley
Reply #2 Wednesday, September 26, 2007 10:17 PM
Reply #2 Wednesday, September 26, 2007 10:17 PM
Get out. If it's as bad as I think it is (there is more to this, right? no need to say here) ANYTHING..ANYPLACE would and will be better. The hardest part is taking that first step and doing what you KNOW in your heart is right, which is leaving..cold...and not looking back. After that, I promise, it gets easier.
SirSmiley
Reply #3 Wednesday, September 26, 2007 10:54 PM
Reply #3 Wednesday, September 26, 2007 10:54 PM
Yes, definitely get out. Also, look in your local phone book for community agencies and/or a help line. They exist for a reason and usually can tell you where to go locally.
Philly0381
Reply #4 Wednesday, September 26, 2007 10:58 PM
Reply #4 Wednesday, September 26, 2007 10:58 PM
What ever you read here, save maybe from one or two people, is what we would do. I'm by no means an expert for what you present as your problem. Sir Smiley has also provided a great suggestion. Again, first and foremost leave.
ZubaZ
Reply #5 Wednesday, September 26, 2007 11:24 PM
Do what it takes to keep yourself as safe as you can until you can do something to make yourself safer. From what I understand, you have few choices. Family and the authorities are no help.
Look to churches and like groups.
Reply #5 Wednesday, September 26, 2007 11:24 PM
In Need of Expert Advice
We are not experts. You are the closest thing to an expert in this case. You know the situation and the location and the culture.Do what it takes to keep yourself as safe as you can until you can do something to make yourself safer. From what I understand, you have few choices. Family and the authorities are no help.
Look to churches and like groups.
Elfkura
Reply #6 Thursday, September 27, 2007 9:04 AM
Reply #6 Thursday, September 27, 2007 9:04 AM
A close friend told me that my mother could be clinically insane. She's not insane as most people would think. When she's calm and cool, she's very clear headed and charming, but when anything in the world seems wrong to her eyes, she goes on an insane rage - rage dangerous enough to do anything. My friend told me that if my mother threatens something in that moment of rage, don't take anything she says as a joke.
She's threatened to kill me and promised that she will kill herself because she's ashamed of having a daughter like me.
I'm a foreigner in China. The authorities, as I have been told many times, are unreliable. There are no churches anywhere that can be seen within my house, even within driving distance. Remember that Christianity was forbidden in China for many years, and it still might be. I've actually never seen a temple of any sort where I've been.
I know no one here, and there isn't anyone I can confide in without them going to my parents and talking to them about it. My parents have my travel papers all locked in their safe. They won't let me keep it under the excuse that the workers might steal them one day and sell it.
My fiance has flatly told me to keep myself safe. If my mother did try to threaten my life with a knife that she so explicitly expressed, then fight back like hell. No one can protect me here, but myself. He says to try to keep my travel papers with me, along with my things.
I just never thought I would be one of those people you hear and read about, you know? I don't know what saddens me more: my parents' ignorance of their abuse on me allowed and followed because of tradition and culture or their complete lack of understanding of who it is I am and what it is I have been through in their quest "to give their kids a better life."
I think the most surprising thing I feel for myself is that I don't hate them, nor do I hold any grudges against them. I simply don't trust them. If there is just one thing I feel, it is disappointment. My parents say I let them down since the day I've been born, but no one here ever asked me if I feel like they've let me down.
I'm not afraid for my life. I know I'll fight to live because I have someone out there waiting for me, patiently waiting and building a place where I can be free of this emotional torment. The biggest thing I'm afraid of is letting my own children down, disappointing them, and never giving them a chance to tell me what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong. I'm scared of becoming my mother.
She's threatened to kill me and promised that she will kill herself because she's ashamed of having a daughter like me.
I'm a foreigner in China. The authorities, as I have been told many times, are unreliable. There are no churches anywhere that can be seen within my house, even within driving distance. Remember that Christianity was forbidden in China for many years, and it still might be. I've actually never seen a temple of any sort where I've been.
I know no one here, and there isn't anyone I can confide in without them going to my parents and talking to them about it. My parents have my travel papers all locked in their safe. They won't let me keep it under the excuse that the workers might steal them one day and sell it.
My fiance has flatly told me to keep myself safe. If my mother did try to threaten my life with a knife that she so explicitly expressed, then fight back like hell. No one can protect me here, but myself. He says to try to keep my travel papers with me, along with my things.
I just never thought I would be one of those people you hear and read about, you know? I don't know what saddens me more: my parents' ignorance of their abuse on me allowed and followed because of tradition and culture or their complete lack of understanding of who it is I am and what it is I have been through in their quest "to give their kids a better life."
I think the most surprising thing I feel for myself is that I don't hate them, nor do I hold any grudges against them. I simply don't trust them. If there is just one thing I feel, it is disappointment. My parents say I let them down since the day I've been born, but no one here ever asked me if I feel like they've let me down.
I'm not afraid for my life. I know I'll fight to live because I have someone out there waiting for me, patiently waiting and building a place where I can be free of this emotional torment. The biggest thing I'm afraid of is letting my own children down, disappointing them, and never giving them a chance to tell me what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong. I'm scared of becoming my mother.
ZubaZ
Reply #8 Thursday, September 27, 2007 9:24 AM
Reply #8 Thursday, September 27, 2007 9:24 AM
Is your father crazy? What does he think of your mother? Can he help you with this part of your life?
You've been told the authorities are unreliable; have you tried them anyway? What do you have to lose?
Maybe the next step is to always carry a knife of your own.
The advice you've been given is to get out. Leave. Run away. Something. Anything. But you are still there posting.
What are you waiting for?
You've been told the authorities are unreliable; have you tried them anyway? What do you have to lose?
She's threatened to kill me
I'm not afraid for my life.
Are you afraid or not?Maybe the next step is to always carry a knife of your own.
The advice you've been given is to get out. Leave. Run away. Something. Anything. But you are still there posting.
What are you waiting for?
Jafo
Reply #9 Thursday, September 27, 2007 9:43 AM
Reply #9 Thursday, September 27, 2007 9:43 AM
Elfie....first thing is you're unlikely to get 'expert advice' here, as this is not a site for international/human rights law, etc...but you may get sympathetic comment, mostly from people who can only maybe just begin to imagine your plight.
In any situation of impending peril or threat the only solution is distance. [if there is no outside authority/policing].
Leaving would be my suggestion.
From your comments I would suggest you have a naive interpretation of what is or is not considered 'sane' or 'insane'. Any irrational or extreme reaction to any occurrence is outside the bounds of sane, sensible or considered human conditional response and although that may be a product of parochial embedded morality it is still unacceptable to other cultures...and thus deemed 'insane'.
Irrespective of family bonding and it's associated heirarchy the human animal is an individual and ultimately responsible for self.
If you feel/find there is no social/legal support for you and your circumstances it falls on you alone to remove yourself from the position in which you find yourself.
The fact your plight is guaranteed NOT to be unique [in a population measured in billions] would infer there is some form of support network within your country that might be able to assist you.
I doubt even China has managed to coerce Google into censoring ALL search criteria [yet]....so perhaps some time spent hunting down local kindred spirits may be of use....
Elfkura
Reply #10 Thursday, September 27, 2007 1:04 PM
You're right, Jafo. I should've written something else there, but I was in a hurry because I had a plane to catch today.
That seems to be everyone's suggestion thus far.
I almost made it out of here. No, I didn't have doubts and turn back. My parents canceled the plans we had to head to the States in September because the tickets were too expensive. They wouldn't let me go back alone. I made it back to Taiwan, but I had to go back with them upon cancellation of the plans.
I was supposed to have arrived in the United States by September 6th. Two weeks later, I was going to stay over one night at my neighbor's house by sneaking out, then have my neighbor smuggle me out to the airport where I leave on my flight to Princeton, NJ and never look back. I was going to get married on October 24th, change my name, and said goodbye for good to my family and never look back with the exception of a letter sent from some post office box number to let them know that I was fine and doing well. If there is one thing any parent in this room can vouch for, it is that "worry" that never leaves until we've moved on to some place else.
This path that I'm trying to force is leading me nowhere. I'm going to have to fight back through a different route now. I'm being forced to work for my parents' friend, that's true, but I will be paid a salary so I'll be able to save my money. There are hints of a raise if I pass the probationary period. Time for me to buckle down again and work harder than I did in college.
I know what buttons to avoid my mother's outbursts. For now, I'll try to keep a low profile. I won't stop talking to my friends or to my fiance, but I'll find a different way. Work offers me more freedom, albeit a lot less than what I had to work with while I was in college. I don't get paid OT, which is good. My mother's sharp mathematical senses can't calculate how much time I'm actually spending at work and when I am supposed to be home. We'll see where I end up in 1 year. If I don't like it, I'll pursue something in the States. If I do well at the job, my boss promises to try to set me up in the US. Whether I choose to stay or go after that point is all on me.
I'll be gone by 6:30am in the morning to go to work. I probably won't get back until 7pm. I'll have to be in bed by 9:30-10:00pm for those early mornings. Dinner, shower, and some alone time with my laptop for outside communication will keep me out of my mother's hair Mondays through Fridays. As for the weekends, my parents' work anyway because it seems like they've got nothing else better to do. I plan on spending that time by myself. If they don't work, we usually go out, and currently, I have two cousins living with us so I'll be safe with their coverage. They just don't know I'm using them as my shield.
I start October 8th. That's less than 2 weeks away. Between now and then, I'm back in Taiwan. Things are always cooler when we leave the privacy of our international space and enter "family" space.
It's not much of a plan, but it's better than being locked at home.
Reply #10 Thursday, September 27, 2007 1:04 PM
first thing is you're unlikely to get 'expert advice' here
You're right, Jafo. I should've written something else there, but I was in a hurry because I had a plane to catch today.
Leaving would be my suggestion.
That seems to be everyone's suggestion thus far.
I almost made it out of here. No, I didn't have doubts and turn back. My parents canceled the plans we had to head to the States in September because the tickets were too expensive. They wouldn't let me go back alone. I made it back to Taiwan, but I had to go back with them upon cancellation of the plans.
I was supposed to have arrived in the United States by September 6th. Two weeks later, I was going to stay over one night at my neighbor's house by sneaking out, then have my neighbor smuggle me out to the airport where I leave on my flight to Princeton, NJ and never look back. I was going to get married on October 24th, change my name, and said goodbye for good to my family and never look back with the exception of a letter sent from some post office box number to let them know that I was fine and doing well. If there is one thing any parent in this room can vouch for, it is that "worry" that never leaves until we've moved on to some place else.
This path that I'm trying to force is leading me nowhere. I'm going to have to fight back through a different route now. I'm being forced to work for my parents' friend, that's true, but I will be paid a salary so I'll be able to save my money. There are hints of a raise if I pass the probationary period. Time for me to buckle down again and work harder than I did in college.
I know what buttons to avoid my mother's outbursts. For now, I'll try to keep a low profile. I won't stop talking to my friends or to my fiance, but I'll find a different way. Work offers me more freedom, albeit a lot less than what I had to work with while I was in college. I don't get paid OT, which is good. My mother's sharp mathematical senses can't calculate how much time I'm actually spending at work and when I am supposed to be home. We'll see where I end up in 1 year. If I don't like it, I'll pursue something in the States. If I do well at the job, my boss promises to try to set me up in the US. Whether I choose to stay or go after that point is all on me.
I'll be gone by 6:30am in the morning to go to work. I probably won't get back until 7pm. I'll have to be in bed by 9:30-10:00pm for those early mornings. Dinner, shower, and some alone time with my laptop for outside communication will keep me out of my mother's hair Mondays through Fridays. As for the weekends, my parents' work anyway because it seems like they've got nothing else better to do. I plan on spending that time by myself. If they don't work, we usually go out, and currently, I have two cousins living with us so I'll be safe with their coverage. They just don't know I'm using them as my shield.
I start October 8th. That's less than 2 weeks away. Between now and then, I'm back in Taiwan. Things are always cooler when we leave the privacy of our international space and enter "family" space.
It's not much of a plan, but it's better than being locked at home.
Philly0381
Reply #11 Thursday, September 27, 2007 1:17 PM
Reply #11 Thursday, September 27, 2007 1:17 PM
Elfkura any plan that takes into consideration your safety is a good plan. Having to depend on the promises of others is not the best situation. At the moment though it would appear that this offer from you boss/employer is what you have to work with. How good or sincere is this offer?
Good Luck
Good Luck
Elfkura
Reply #12 Thursday, September 27, 2007 11:40 PM
Reply #12 Thursday, September 27, 2007 11:40 PM
It's good and sincere, but it's something I'll have to take on a day-by-day basis. The timing on this offer is longer than I would like, but there's nothing much I can do about it now. The only problem with all this is that I need to find a way to keep my parents off having their hands on my payroll. I'm not kidding when I say they use the excuse of a safe to keep all my legal documents locked up and I don't even have a key to access any of it.
I'm looking for a time when I can talk to my boss alone (although I have no idea how much this would work since he's under my parents' obligation, not mine) to tell him to keep my business clear away from my parents.
All I can do is hope for the best. There's nothing else for me to do. I don't trust my parents, and I'm getting a small plan together for my friends to pull all important things from my parents' house in Houston so my parents can't get to those.
It's not just safety that's important. It's all the paperwork that I must have for me to break free and be able to move on.
Sometimes I've considered working for the CIA, you know? heh.
I'm looking for a time when I can talk to my boss alone (although I have no idea how much this would work since he's under my parents' obligation, not mine) to tell him to keep my business clear away from my parents.
All I can do is hope for the best. There's nothing else for me to do. I don't trust my parents, and I'm getting a small plan together for my friends to pull all important things from my parents' house in Houston so my parents can't get to those.
It's not just safety that's important. It's all the paperwork that I must have for me to break free and be able to move on.
Sometimes I've considered working for the CIA, you know? heh.
buzzh58
Reply #13 Thursday, September 27, 2007 11:49 PM
Reply #13 Thursday, September 27, 2007 11:49 PM
Am I in the wrong place, this is a skinning site, right?
ZubaZ
Reply #14 Friday, September 28, 2007 12:13 AM
This is a community site based around skinning.
Reply #14 Friday, September 28, 2007 12:13 AM
Am I in the wrong place, this is a skinning site, right?
This is a community site based around skinning.
Skinhit
Reply #15 Friday, September 28, 2007 12:26 AM
Reply #15 Friday, September 28, 2007 12:26 AM
Elfkura, I'm saying a prayer for you as I type this. A prayer for your mother's sanity and a prayer that you may escape the strongholds that rule your life! Only you have the power that determines your future, may you find it and go there...I am thinking about you today and only wish peace upon your soul...Jack
Elfkura
Reply #16 Friday, September 28, 2007 12:27 AM
Reply #16 Friday, September 28, 2007 12:27 AM
It's a family site based on skinning, but one of the points we've emphasized when I was last here was that any problems that the site members do have that they would like an opinion on, we will help out where we think we can.
It is my fault for not checking to see if that was still a policy, so I apologize for the confusion.
It is my fault for not checking to see if that was still a policy, so I apologize for the confusion.
buzzh58
Reply #17 Friday, September 28, 2007 1:22 AM
Reply #17 Friday, September 28, 2007 1:22 AM
No confusion, but you did ask for "expert advice". Given the seriousness of your problem a skinning site is hardly the place to find that.
Nimbin
Reply #18 Friday, September 28, 2007 1:30 AM
Reply #18 Friday, September 28, 2007 1:30 AM
move out into a safe location, call the police and report the threats
buzzh58
Reply #19 Friday, September 28, 2007 1:37 AM
Zubaz, that is just ludicrous advice. Its responses like that which confirms why threads such as this shouldn't be in these forums.
Reply #19 Friday, September 28, 2007 1:37 AM
Maybe the next step is to always carry a knife of your own.
Zubaz, that is just ludicrous advice. Its responses like that which confirms why threads such as this shouldn't be in these forums.
mrs_starkers
Reply #20 Friday, September 28, 2007 1:59 AM
Everyone here has said for you to leave you're home and be free from the threats I say the same to you as I have been there b4 and it is not a nice place when you have nowhere to go or feel safe..do as suggested by many of these folks here, cos we do care about our friends.you need to leave that place NOW. I pray for your protection and peace of mind on and in your travels
Reply #20 Friday, September 28, 2007 1:59 AM
Elfkura, I'm saying a prayer for you as I type this. A prayer for your mother's sanity
Everyone here has said for you to leave you're home and be free from the threats I say the same to you as I have been there b4 and it is not a nice place when you have nowhere to go or feel safe..do as suggested by many of these folks here, cos we do care about our friends.you need to leave that place NOW. I pray for your protection and peace of mind on and in your travels
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Reply #1 Wednesday, September 26, 2007 9:57 PM
There is more here than what your telling, which also doesn't need to be written here. If you're a church goer that whould be a place to go or at least start.
Again the most important thing to do is get out of there for your own saftey and for the saftey of your mother. Maybe hard to understand, but with you out of there the possibility of her doing something the she can't recover from is removed. Do it.