Sunday Morning Sex
Sunday, August 12, 2007 by mrs_starkers | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away.
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.
" Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
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Reply #4 Sunday, August 12, 2007 9:39 AM
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!". "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced that he had found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
BUT, WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . .
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.".
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armlessmman's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but....He's a dead ringer for his brother."
ouch Reply #8 Sunday, August 12, 2007 11:50 AM
Three men are arguing in a bar. The first says, “God must be a mechanical engineer—just look at the joints in the human body.”
The second says, “God is an electrical engineer—look at the nervous system.”
The third says, “God has to be a civil engineer—who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?”
Reply #9 Sunday, August 12, 2007 11:54 AM
Wrong e-mail address
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!!
Reply #12 Sunday, August 12, 2007 12:06 PM
Reply #13 Sunday, August 12, 2007 12:27 PM
uh-oh... do you hear that?
yep, it's Jafo putting on his Spelling Police uniform...
Reply #14 Sunday, August 12, 2007 12:45 PM
um the f key jumped up and bit my finger, thats my story and I am sticking to it
Reply #16 Sunday, August 12, 2007 5:36 PM
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the woman went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another airhead, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first woman told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.
Reply #17 Sunday, August 12, 2007 5:39 PM
Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
Reply #18 Sunday, August 12, 2007 5:43 PM
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment Tom had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady
upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further embarrassing him. Tom looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I
was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Reply #19 Monday, August 13, 2007 12:55 AM
That is a good one
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
that is a good one
Reply #20 Monday, August 13, 2007 3:40 AM
A man was having problems deciding which girlfriend he would marry, so he gave them all 5000 dollars. The first woman went and spent it all on herself, and said "I wanted to be beautiful for you, so i bought all these clothes, and had my hair dyed because I love you."
and the man thought...'hmm that was a nice thing to do.."
The second woman spent all her money on the man, buying him clothes and nice things..
and she said "I bought you all these nice things for you because i love you"
and the man thought ..."hmm that was a nice thing to do.."
The third woman took the money to the stock market and doubled the money she made and gave it back to him... and she said "I doubled your money in the stockmarket, because i love you."
And the man thought...'hmm that was a nice thing to do.."
Then he thought about all the things the three woman had done, and married the woman with the biggest tits...
HAHAHA!!
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Reply #1 Sunday, August 12, 2007 8:10 AM