Fly the friendly sky's
Actual reports..
Thursday, March 24, 2005 by Double Zero | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that
has never had an accident.
(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that
has never had an accident.
(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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Jafo
Reply #4 Thursday, March 24, 2005 9:03 PM
Reply #4 Thursday, March 24, 2005 9:03 PM
BTW....I cannot edit posts...it seems....but 'QANTAS' has no 'U' .... 
Double Zero
Reply #6 Thursday, March 24, 2005 9:14 PM
Reply #6 Thursday, March 24, 2005 9:14 PM
Your right Jafo...Sorry..I'll try better next time..
Zero.
Zero.
Matchbook
Reply #8 Thursday, March 24, 2005 9:29 PM
Reply #8 Thursday, March 24, 2005 9:29 PM
LOL that was more directed at Jafo than you, DZ... *runs for cover quickly*
Double Zero
Reply #9 Thursday, March 24, 2005 9:34 PM
Reply #9 Thursday, March 24, 2005 9:34 PM
LoL!!..I know that and I were you I would Really RUN!..LoL
JamMeister33
Reply #10 Thursday, March 24, 2005 10:41 PM
Reply #10 Thursday, March 24, 2005 10:41 PM
Hmmmmm, that's bizarre.. I would have sworn it was spelled 'Quantas', but no.... very strange.
MPD
Reply #11 Thursday, March 24, 2005 10:50 PM
Reply #11 Thursday, March 24, 2005 10:50 PM
Last sentence should read, "By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that
has never had a fatal accident.
has never had a fatal accident.
Double Zero
Reply #14 Friday, March 25, 2005 12:26 AM
Reply #14 Friday, March 25, 2005 12:26 AM
LoL..SD..that should be my personal emoticon..it seems I find myself doing that more and more..
hopefully less and less now,
Zero.
hopefully less and less now,
Zero.
Erk.
Reply #15 Friday, March 25, 2005 3:04 AM
Reply #15 Friday, March 25, 2005 3:04 AM
It's spelled without the 'U'...because it stands for:
Queensland
And
Northern
Territory
Air
Service
Before it became an international carrier, it had very humble beginnings as a freight service, then a passenger service between those states here in Oz.
I had seen those reports before, but still get a laugh when I see them ...thanks for the reminder
Queensland
And
Northern
Territory
Air
Service
Before it became an international carrier, it had very humble beginnings as a freight service, then a passenger service between those states here in Oz.
I had seen those reports before, but still get a laugh when I see them ...thanks for the reminder
Jafo
Reply #16 Friday, March 25, 2005 5:10 AM
Reply #16 Friday, March 25, 2005 5:10 AM
My father recalls flying on a Qantas flight....just himself and the pilot.....and they took several days to get from Darwin to Brisbane....stopping [landing] every 100 miles or so to clean the plugs...
I think you'll find it's one of the oldest Airlines...if not the oldest...
eieio
Reply #17 Friday, March 25, 2005 7:29 AM 
Who ever said technicians don't have a sense of humor?
Reply #17 Friday, March 25, 2005 7:29 AM
Who ever said technicians don't have a sense of humor?
Double Zero
Reply #18 Friday, March 25, 2005 8:37 AM
Reply #18 Friday, March 25, 2005 8:37 AM
Well, the mechanics cant have all the glory! The pilots deserve their due credit as well!
One pilot in particular..an Aussie..save the day at least for me one year.
I was connecting to a commuter flight from Atlanta to N.carolina a few years back, trying to get back to Fort Brag. It was the middle of winter,huge snow storm, runway was iced over, it was pretty thick, they were not allowing *Any flights in or out. I dont know exactly how this pilot got clearance, but he did, he must have been very good to obtain it...They loaded us up on this twin engine plane, the pilot introduced himself, told us it was just a "little" slippery, nothing to be concerned about (LMAO!! yeah right!)and away we went..we slid right, we slid left, back and forth the whole way..seemed like we we going to run out of runway before getting enough speed to actually lift off!
I dont know how he did it, but he did, he got us in the air, and soon that storm was behind us..LoL.. much to the relief of everyone onboard!..
I personally do not drink, but that was one occassion I did not refuse a nice Rum & Coke to calm the ol' nerves..LoL
At any rate, if that is the skill level of the pilots of Qantas, it is no wonder the airline has such a great record. I was impressed, amazed and happy to have survived!..LoL.. Not to mention *Very happy to be out of the Atlanta Terminal after spending hours there.
One pilot in particular..an Aussie..save the day at least for me one year.
I was connecting to a commuter flight from Atlanta to N.carolina a few years back, trying to get back to Fort Brag. It was the middle of winter,huge snow storm, runway was iced over, it was pretty thick, they were not allowing *Any flights in or out. I dont know exactly how this pilot got clearance, but he did, he must have been very good to obtain it...They loaded us up on this twin engine plane, the pilot introduced himself, told us it was just a "little" slippery, nothing to be concerned about (LMAO!! yeah right!)and away we went..we slid right, we slid left, back and forth the whole way..seemed like we we going to run out of runway before getting enough speed to actually lift off!
I dont know how he did it, but he did, he got us in the air, and soon that storm was behind us..LoL.. much to the relief of everyone onboard!..
I personally do not drink, but that was one occassion I did not refuse a nice Rum & Coke to calm the ol' nerves..LoL
At any rate, if that is the skill level of the pilots of Qantas, it is no wonder the airline has such a great record. I was impressed, amazed and happy to have survived!..LoL.. Not to mention *Very happy to be out of the Atlanta Terminal after spending hours there.
Jafo
Reply #19 Friday, March 25, 2005 8:49 AM
Reply #19 Friday, March 25, 2005 8:49 AM
John Travolta is a Pilot ambassador for Qantas....bums around in his own 707...and is certified on a Jumble...
Double Zero
Reply #20 Friday, March 25, 2005 9:03 AM
Reply #20 Friday, March 25, 2005 9:03 AM
Really?? I suppose anythings possible..I mean..California is governed by Arnold Swarzengger..LoL! that in itself still amazes me..;::nods::
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Reply #1 Thursday, March 24, 2005 8:56 PM