LOL

Worked with a bloke once who, no matter what you told him, no matter how bad it was, he would always reply: "Could've been worse."

We'd go in on various days and tell him of various disasters: earthquakes killing thousands; volcanoes wiping out towns of thousands; cruise liners sinking with all hands and passengers perishing; planes crashing killing hundreds, and he'd always come back with: "Could've been worse."

Anyway, we all got together to come up with something that nothing could be worse, Being that he was a family man and very close to his brother, we figured that something really bad involving his brother, Tom, and sister-in-law would invoke a different response.

"Hey, George, did you hear about Tom and his missus?"

'Nope!  What happened?"

"Well Tom got home from late shift last night and found his missus in bed with another man.  With that he went to the cupboard and pulled out his shotgun."

"So what happened then?

"Tom aimed the shotgun at the bloke and shot him dead.  Then he aimed at his missus and shot her dead.  Then he put the shotgun against his head and shot himself dead."

"Could've be worse!!"

"What??? What could be worse than your brother shooting some bloke, his missus and himself dead?"

"Could;ve been the night before, then I'd be dead."

Guy comes home from work and finds his wife in bed with three men.

He says hello, hello, hello.

To which his wife replies! Aren't you talking to me.

A man was approaching his 60th birthday and his wife asked what he'd like most as a gift.  He replied: "Well I have everything I want and need; all the tools I could ever need, a season ticket to the footy, a great car and all the mod cons I could ever want, but there is one thing I'd like"

"What's that my dear?" she queried.

"Well I'd like to know what's in the trunk you keep under the bed.  I've respected your privacy for all these years and not had a peek, but yeah, I'd like to see the contents."

A couple of days passed 'til the festivities and she made his most favourite meal for when he arrived home from work.  Anyway, he took a shower first then sat down to the sumptuous meal.  "Well that was lovely my dear, he quipped as she place the curious trunk in front of him on the table.  When he opened it there were 2 eggs and around 30,000 dollars.

"Okay, why the 2 eggs?" he asked.

"Im sorry to say, my love, but those represent when I was unfaithful to you."

He was quite taken aback by this at first, but upon thinking it over he said; "Well considering we've been married 40 years and there are just 2 eggs, I suppose I can't be too upset.  So what's the 30,000 dollars for?"

"Oh." she replied; "Every time I collected a dozen I sold 'em."

A couple of blokes are yakking in the pub and one asks the other: "What would you do to a bloke you caught doing it with your wife?"

"Well first off I'd kick his seeing eye dog and break his white cane."

Then there was the wife who rang a bar asking for her husband.  Some guy pipes up and tell the bartender: "If that's my wife tell I'm not here."

The bartender tells her ecactly that and proceeds to hang up the phone.  She barks down the phone: "I know he's there, I heard his voice!!!"

The bartender replies: "I'm sorry madam, but that was a noisy drunk."

She retorts: "Yup, that's my husaband."

What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again!

eewww!     

What is the difference between a good girl and a nice girl?

A good girl goes home and goes to bed.

A nice girl goes to bed then goes home!

A tortoise was out with his mates tryingt to have a good time when one of them told him that he needed to loosen up some and come out of his shell.

He thought about it a while and figured that he'd like to enjoy life more so went home and told his missus what his mates had said.

His cranky wife barked: "I'll simply not have it!!"

The perplexed look on his face indicated that he didn't understand.  So she barked even louder"

"I won't tolerate nudity!"

A man was sunbaking on the beach in the nude.
He does the right thing and covers his private parts with a hat.
A woman comes along and says. Sir if you were a gentleman you would raise your hat.
To which he replies. And madam if you were pretty it would raise itself!

This really happened in my life!  Oh wait, that wasn't me.

Aussie007

reply 14

A man was sunbaking on the beach in the nude.
He does the right thing and covers his private parts with a hat.
A woman comes along and says. Sir if you were a gentleman you would raise your hat.
To which he replies. And madam if you were pretty it would raise itself!

     

 

That's like the bloke in the nudists cafeteria when a really hot woman sits at the other end of the table.... next thing she notices is his end of the table had risen some and her apple had rolled off into her lap.

With further reference to the nude sunbaker!

When he got home he was admiring his suntan. all was OK except for his private parts so he decided to go back the next day and see if he could suntan them.
When he arrived at the beach he decided to bury himself in the sand and just leave his private parts exposed to the sun as the rest of his body was fine.
Two women came along and when they saw the exposed part one women said to the other. If I had known that they grew in the wild I would never have got married

Paddy is dying.
He says to his best mate!
As they lower my coffin into the grave would you mind pouring a bottle of whisky over it.
To which his mate replies
I would gladly do that for you Paddy but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first.
       

I had a little cough at the store today and got a nasty sneer, so I held my breath and farted.