lmao   

A muscular man in his prime walks into the bar and says, "bartender I need a drink.  The bartender could see that the man looked rather defeated.  So, he poured him a drink and decided to chat him up to try and make him feel better.

The bartender said, "you know you are absolutely the most physically fit man that has ever walked in here, in fact, I've never seen anyone as strong looking as you.  Your youthful in your prime of age, and I don't want to sound insensitive, but your head is so small compared to the rest of you.  Is that what's troubling you?"

The muscular man takes a big gulp from his drink and shook his head yes. "I can't get any women to pay any attention to me.  When they see my physique, they look interested, but then they notice my small head and turn away.  I can hear them laughing and mocking me when they think I'm not looking.  I haven't been able to have sex for thirty years."  "This small head is a double curse if you catch my meaning, the man sobbed."

The bartender was shocked for the muscular man looked so youthful - 25 years old maybe.  The bartender exclaimed "you can't be over fifty years old!"

"I've never told anyone this before, but I need to get this off my chest, the man said." It was thirty years ago I was on the beach as an out of shape middle aged man only able to look at all the beautiful women in their bikinis.  There I was with my bald head and potbelly staring and the young bucks came over to me laughed at me and ridiculed me mercilessly.  I left the beach feeling awful."  

The muscular man continued, " I wandered away from the beach and I kept hearing a tiny voice saying help me.  I looked around and finally looked down and there was a small frog trailing me.  I picked the frog up and it repeated help me.  I am really a genie and if you help me, I will give you three wishes.  All you have to do is kiss me."

"So, I kissed the frog and instantly there I was alone with the most beautiful naked women I have ever seen.  It was fate finally intervening for me.  I remembered feeling how I had wasted my youth and was not going to let that happen again.  So, I said to the genie, "Make me more buffed than Arnold Schwarzenegger was when he was 25; and make me look and feel 25 again for as many years as I am old now.  And poof there I was looking and feeling glorious."

I looked at that beautiful genie and said, "I want to make mad passionate love with you for the next several hours without tiring.  After several hours we held each other, and she looked me in the eyes and said, "that was wonderful." "But you have one more wish, what will it be?"  

And that's when I said, "how about a little head?"

"Only those who have had a really bad day on the day they died can enter Heaven", God instructs his angels.

The first person shows up at the gate to Heaven and it is a man.  The angel at the gate says to him "Tell me what happened today." 

The man said, "I had been suspicious my wife was having an affair and I decided to come home during lunch to surprise my wife.  She was half naked in bed and I began searching for the man she had been seeing.  I looked everywhere while my wife yelled at me that I was wrong and should go back to work.  

I walked out onto the balcony to catch some fresh air and on the edge of the balcony floor were some hands clinging to it.  I became enraged when I had looked down and saw a half-naked man wearing shorts only.  I began stomping on his hands until he fell the 8 floors.  When I looked down, he was still alive as trees and bushes broke his fall.

I was determined to put an end to him.  I grabbed the kitchen refrigerator pushed it out on the balcony and managed to heave it over the railing.  The refrigerator landed on him squarely, but the strain and excitement were too much for me and I had a heart attack and died."

The angel thought for a minute and said, "that sounds like a bad day okay, you can enter Heaven."

A second man arrived at the gate to Heaven.  The angel asks him to describe his last day.  The second man says, "I was working out on my ninth-floor balcony when I lost my balance and fell over.  I luckily caught myself on the floor beneath but, the crazed owner came out onto the balcony screaming he's going to kill me and stomped on my hands until I could no longer hold on and I fell eight floors to the ground below.  Again, fortune smiled on me as the trees and bushes broke my fall.  I was dazed and as I looked up that crazed man on the eighth floor was pushing his refrigerator off his balcony.  That did me in.  I died when it landed on me." 

The angel said, "that is a bad day. You can enter Heaven."

A third man showed up at the gate to Heaven.  The angel asked him to describe his last day.  The man said, "you're not going to believe this but, there I was naked in a refrigerator minding my own business when..."

The Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said... "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

It was a very poignant and touching moment of sorrow. Silence passed between the two men.

The first man then asked... "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man with the dog on the leash replied, "Get in line."

Bertha McDonald showed up in church dressed in black. The priest asked where her husband Bob was. She answered that he had died suddenly. The priest offered his condolences and asked if he had any last requests.Bertha was surprised and answered that indeed he had asked her, "Bertha, Bertha I'm requesting you to please put the pistol down!".

reminds me of the person that was peeing in the ocean while their spouse was drowning.

when asked why they weren't helping, their response was "i am; every little bit helps!"

Pre-joke agreement:

I (insert your name here) give permission to (insert comedians name here) to tell this joke about me

and only this joke (insert joke here) for use at (insert venue) on (insert date of venue).

If the joke is altered in any way from the joke stated on this document, the comedian stated above

will be liable for any damages arising from the permission granter taking offense to said joke.

This permission is for the date of venue stated above only.

Both parties sign and date here.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again!

Confucious say.... woman who fly plane upside down bound to have crack up.

Confucious also say... man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Bob's housekeeper Anna asked Bob's wife Joan for a raise. Joan asked Anna, why she thought deserved a raise. Anna answered, “Because I am a better housekeeper then you”.

Joan, agitated, asked Anna “What makes you think you are a better housekeeper then me?”, Anna replied, “Your husband said so.”

Oh really?” Joan replied. “Also I am a better cook than you.” Joan is now really pissed, “What makes you think you’re a better cook than me?”, “Your husband said so,” replied Anna.

Joan was beyond furious and about ready to throw Anna out of her home. “And one more thing,” Anna added, “I am better in bed than you are”.

Joan was totally shocked. “My husband said that?!!!”.

Anna replied, “No, your personal trainer did."

Anna got the raise.

After examining me the urologist said I had a healthy prostate.

I was deeply touched.

After observing an anomaly in the wave function of the W Boson

which yielded a W Boson condensate where one should not theoretically exist

we can only hypothesize that a detector caused the wave function to collapse.

Confucius also say... No such thing as rape!

Woman with dress up run faster than man with pants down!

Confucious also say..... hormone is noise one hears outside brothel window.

Then Confucious say.... brothel employee never out of work and have client list longer than Great Wall of China.

What does the rooster say?

Cock a doodle do!

What does the hen say?

Any cock will do!