I need a joke today

I'll start

Tuesday, June 6, 2017 by BigDogBigFeet | Discussion: Life, the Universe and Everything

Signs seen at the restaurant workers' pep rally.

 

"EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS AFTER THEY PICK IT"

"NO CRACK MINING AT THE KID'S MEAL STATION"

"PLEASE DON'T SNEEZE IN THE CARRY OUT BAGS"

"REMEMBER TO SMILE AND SAY WELCOME TO FLUFFY'S FOOT LONGS"

First Previous Page 2 of 8 Next Last
BONEHEADdb
Reply #21 Sunday, January 16, 2022 11:37 PM

 That joke has been called the funniest joke ever.

Jafo
Reply #22 Monday, January 17, 2022 12:52 AM

BONEHEADdb

 That joke has been called the funniest joke ever.

What happened to...

"My dog has no nose.."

"How does he smell?"

"Terrible."   ? ...

DrJBHL
Reply #23 Monday, January 17, 2022 2:23 AM

BONEHEADdb

 That joke has been called the funniest joke ever.

Bravo! Scientifically proven.   

For Jafo:

I renamed my iPad 'The Titanic', so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing".

Jafo
Reply #24 Monday, January 17, 2022 3:50 AM

My shutdown sound is still...

Ooh be do....bit tired maybe, best not to say more.  Bedways is rightways now, best be going homeways and get a bit of spatchka....

DrJBHL
Reply #25 Tuesday, January 18, 2022 8:50 AM
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Robert," he said, "I have some good news and I have some bad news."
 
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
 
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million...and I think she could be right."
 
Robert replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day! Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
 
His lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
reBoot185
Reply #26 Tuesday, January 18, 2022 1:52 PM

A three-legged dog walked into a bar; he was looking for the man that shot his paw.

 

here is on from a Dad Joke App:

how did the Hipster drown? He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool. 

 

this is simply good advice: always yell Fire! Fire! if you get stuck in an outhouse because noone's coming to help if all you're yelling is "#$%@!".

 

Vegetarian Beef Broth this is my assumption of vegetarian friendly beef broth production (this is in a medical doctor's bathroom)

BigDogBigFeet
Reply #27 Tuesday, January 18, 2022 3:00 PM

A young man is flying home to New York from California and settles into his seat bracing for a long flight.  He sees a young lady across the aisle and decides to try and have some fun with her.

He turns to her and asks, "Do you want to play a little game?"  She says "sure."  "I'll make you a small wager.  I'll ask you a question and, if you can't get the answer right you give me $5 and then, you can ask me a question and if I can't get the answer right, I'll give you $500."  She says "Wow a hundred to one odds for me.  I agree."

He thinks and then he says:  "What is the average distance from the earth to the moon?"  She wrinkles her brow opens her purse and hands him $5.  He takes the $5 saying the answer is 239,228.3 mi.

She thinks and then says: "What walks up a hill on three legs but, walks back down the hill on four legs?"  He gets befuddled, wrinkles his brow,  and looks down, mutters a few times and finally says "I give up and angrily gives her the $500.  He says, "ya, so what the answer?"  She looks at him and hands him another $5.

 

DrJBHL
Reply #28 Tuesday, January 18, 2022 3:27 PM

BigDogBigFeet

She looks at him and hands him another $5.

LMAO! Eggsellent!

S J N
Reply #29 Tuesday, January 18, 2022 3:56 PM

Observation....

You can lead a whore to culture,

but you can't make her think.

Aussie007
Reply #30 Tuesday, January 18, 2022 11:14 PM

DrJBHL
Reply #31 Wednesday, January 19, 2022 12:34 AM

Sam, driving a Yugo in a Texas community, pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce, rolls down his window, and smiles at the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. Have you got a phone in it? I've got one in my Yugo!"


Dave, the driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."
"Cool!" continues Sam. "Have you got a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"


Dave, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."


Sam goes on, "That's great! Listen, have you got a TV in there? I got a one right next to me."


Dave, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"


"Say," persists Sam, "Have you got a bed in your car? I got one in the back of my Yugo!"


Upset that he hadn’t, Dave immediately drove off straight to his dealer and demanded that a bed be installed in the back of the car. The next morning David picked up his car, with a superb bed in it, a bed fit for a Rolls Royce...


Dave immediately went searching for the Yugo, and only late in the afternoon he found it parked, with all its windows fogged up from the inside.


He knocked on the Yugo, and finally Sam stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," Dave stated arrogantly.


"Sheesh!" complained Sam, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

reBoot185
Reply #32 Wednesday, January 19, 2022 8:14 PM

BigDogBigFeet
Reply #33 Wednesday, January 19, 2022 11:11 PM

An older couple were sitting having breakfast together.  The old man said to his wife "you know fifty years ago we had our first breakfast together."  The wife said "yes, I remember now."  "Except fifty years ago we were eating naked together.  Do you want to get naked and finish our breakfast together?"  The husband says "Yes, just like when we were young."

They both got naked and returned to their breakfasts.  The wife said, "Ohhh, my nipples are getting just as hot for you now as they were then."  The husband replied, "I'm not surprised, one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

DrJBHL
Reply #34 Thursday, January 20, 2022 3:58 AM

Joan Smith decided to splash out for her 70th birthday and spend the night in a luxury hotel.

The next morning she received a bill for $ 2250 for the night and was horrified!

"Madam, that is the cost of the rooms in this hotel, its the normal rate" answered the receptionist.

"Listen mister, although the room is beautiful and has a good view, I don't think it's worth that amount of money. I'm not taking breakfast either. "

At that moment the hotel manager approaches and the receptionist explains the situation to him.
The manager tells Mrs. Smith that the hotel has certain facilities. "This hotel has a large pool, and a huge convention center that is at your disposal and you could use it whenever you want while you are staying here."

"That's very good," said Joan, "but I did not use them." "Yes, but they are here and you could have used them if you wanted to," said the manager. "You could also have attended one of the extraordinary shows where famous artists perform, something for which this hotel is well known."

"But I didn't attend any show," she protested. "Well, you could have ma'am, they were there for that," the manager explained.

The manager continued listing hotel facilities and amenities, to which Mrs. Smith always replied: "But I didn't use them". However, the manager always countered with the phrase: "Could have done, ma'am".

"Sorry lady, but this check is for $250.00 only and the room price is $2250 which means youve paid $2000 short!"

"You’re right, sir, what happened is that I charged you $2000 for spending the night with me." answered Mrs. Smith.

"But I DIDN'T spend the night with you," protested the manager ....
and Joan replied very calmly: "Well you could have ........ I was here all night."

BigDogBigFeet
Reply #35 Thursday, January 20, 2022 6:16 AM

lol

DrJBHL
Reply #36 Friday, January 21, 2022 4:08 PM

The lady at local market fought off a robber with her labeling gun.
Police now searching for person with a price on his head.

BigDogBigFeet
Reply #37 Friday, January 21, 2022 4:42 PM

lmao.

A farmer was in need of a new rooster for his hens.  He finds one for sale that the seller guaranteed would take care of all his 150 hens.  He places it in the yard and the next morning the farmer discovers all 150 of his hens have been visited by the rooster.  The farmer was astonished, saying "that's one horny rooster."

Again, the next morning he gets up and not only had all the 150 hens been visited by the rooster so had all the ducks. The farmer just shook his head thinking that by now the rooster would have begun to tire.

The third morning every animal: the horses, cows, goats, turkeys, ducks and hens had all been visited by the rooster but, now the rooster was sprawled on his back wings outstretched in the yard with buzzards circling overhead.  The farmer just shook his head walked over to the rooster and said, "you deserved it you horny bastard, you finally f'd yourself too."  The rooster peeped open one eye pointed to the sky and said, "shh, they are about to land."     

Iben
Reply #38 Friday, January 21, 2022 9:50 PM

Lets say the speed of light is known to be 669,600,000 miles per hour.

We have a new space ship parked at a runway on Earth.

In our ship we have 20 bowling balls.

We take one bowling ball out of the ship and place it on the runway.

We mark this bowling ball "frame of reference one".

We get aboard our ship, our speed relative to bowling ball one is zero miles per hour.

Now we take off and fly into space, we accelerate to 75% of the speed of light

relative to bowling ball one.

We now set the auto pilot to maintain this speed, our ship maybe

experiencing drag.

Bowling ball two is placed out side the ship with it's own propulsion system, so it 

can maintain it's current speed with the ship. We mark this bowling ball "frame of reference two".

Our speed relative to bowling ball two is zero miles per hour.

We accelerate to 75% of the speed of light relative to bowling ball two.

We now set the auto pilot to maintain this speed, our ship maybe experiencing drag.

Bowling ball three is placed out side the ship with it's own propulsion system, so it 

can maintain it's current speed with the ship. We mark this bowling ball "frame of reference three".

Our speed relative to bowling ball three is zero miles per hour.

We accelerate to 75% of the speed of light relative to bowling ball three.

We repeat this process until we have used up all our bowling balls.

Don't worry because of relativity we are still traveling less then the speed

of light  relative to bowling ball one, a square in our world is a rectangle back on earth

until we return to earth and park on the runway we started from.

 

DrJBHL
Reply #39 Saturday, January 22, 2022 4:44 AM

BigDogBigFeet

"shh, they are about to land."     

🤣🤣

Sam and Rebecca met on a singles cruise and Sam fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they both lived in Philadelphia only a few miles apart, Sam was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Sam had taken Rebecca to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Sam became convinced that Rebecca was indeed his soul mate and true love.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Sam took Rebecca to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Sam said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Rebecca paused, then responded, "Sam that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Sam paused for a while then said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Aussie007
Reply #40 Sunday, January 23, 2022 7:15 PM

Please login to comment and/or vote for this skin.

Welcome Guest! Please take the time to register with us.
There are many great features available to you once you register, including:

  • Richer content, access to many features that are disabled for guests like commenting on the forums and downloading skins.
  • Access to a great community, with a massive database of many, many areas of interest.
  • Access to contests & subscription offers like exclusive emails.
  • It's simple, and FREE!



web-wc01