Have a few laughs...

the best medicine.

Saturday, March 18, 2017 by DrJBHL | Discussion: Community

Here are a few to get you started...feel free to add.

1. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
2. My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
3. My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.
4. I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"
5. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
6. Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time. 
7. The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the shit storm that's coming.
8. Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!
9. If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!
10. The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going to get me something.
11. On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me......I had no idea I was Japanese.
12. I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
13. I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
14. What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?
15. When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider...just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"

Reply #1 Saturday, March 18, 2017 10:36 AM

  LMAO. Thanks Doc. Nothing like starting the day with a few good laughs. I needed that. 

Reply #2 Saturday, March 18, 2017 10:39 AM

 Good ones. Thanks, Seth.

Reply #3 Saturday, March 18, 2017 10:40 AM

Anything for you, kiddo.

Reply #4 Saturday, March 18, 2017 12:54 PM


I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it “'Pumping Rust."

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, "An ambulance”.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

Reply #5 Saturday, March 18, 2017 1:27 PM

Lol!!  Thanks guys, needed those!!! 

Reply #6 Wednesday, March 22, 2017 7:05 AM

Being old is turning up for your high school class reunion and bumping into Moses.

And it's really upsetting that getting a bit of action just means that your laxative is working.

What's more embarrassing is when you sink your teeth into a juicy steak at a restaraunt... and they stay there.

Who else regrets not being young enough to know everything?

It's even worse when you remember seeing unicorns... and that the last time anybody else saw them was on the Ark.

The other thing that reminds me that I'm a senior citizen is when my knees buckle but my belt won't.

And I think the worst thing about being old is that it takes me all night to do what I used to do all night.



Reply #7 Wednesday, March 22, 2017 10:51 AM


the worst thing about being old is that it takes me all night to do what I used to do all night.


This is true. 

Reply #8 Thursday, March 23, 2017 8:32 AM

There was a time when I used to go out and chase wild, wild women.  They'd run like hell but I'd still catch 'em.

Nowadays it's different. They walk, don't need to run... but I still can't catch 'em.

Then there was the time I was talking to an old lady as we sat on a park bench and fed the ducks.  We were having a lovely conversation about grandkids and great grandkids, then it got on to wills and funeral insurance, etc. 

Yeah, it was getting a bit morbid and wanted to change the subject, so I said to her: "You know how people go stiff when they're dead?"

She said: "Yes, as matter of fact I do."

So I said: "Well put yer hand in my pocket and see if I'm dying."

Reply #9 Thursday, March 23, 2017 3:31 PM

Reply #10 Saturday, March 25, 2017 9:41 AM

Another time I went to the doctor for a check up cos my wife reckoned I was losing my faculties.  The doctor asked my age and I told him almost 64, and then he proceeded to check me over from head to toe.  He took my blood pressure and temperature, checked my reflexes and said that I was in good health considering my age and the arthritis, etc.

He then asked why I thought I may be losing my faculties and I said that I don't, it's the wife who thinks that. So the doctor asked why she might think that, and I said: "Well I asked her for a naughty before breakfast this morning and she pushed me away rather forcefully.

The doctor asked How I felt about that and what did I do.  I told him that I asked her what had gotten up her nose and that she came back with: "You silly old bastard, you're truly losing your faculties."

I asked what she meant by that and she snorted: "You silly old bugger, you just had one."

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