Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Ok...bring on your best or worst but leave everyone laughing 
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
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MadIce
Reply #1122 Wednesday, August 13, 2003 4:38 AM
Reply #1122 Wednesday, August 13, 2003 4:38 AM
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and
they they take turns recounting their adventures at
sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye
patch the seaman asks:
"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies:
"We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and
a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were
pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one
of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a
trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin'
this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped
off."
"Zounds!", remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by
the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the
pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?", the sailor
asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with
the hook.."
they they take turns recounting their adventures at
sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye
patch the seaman asks:
"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies:
"We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and
a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were
pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one
of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a
trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin'
this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped
off."
"Zounds!", remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by
the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the
pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?", the sailor
asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with
the hook.."
Styl-X Design
Reply #1124 Wednesday, August 13, 2003 6:05 AM
Reply #1124 Wednesday, August 13, 2003 6:05 AM
The Queen of england invited president Bush, tony blair, and a hole lot of generals and other people involved.
When all the guest arrived the dinner could be started, and there they were talking about the fact of the war in iraq, and if it should be 'allowed' or not.
While eating and talking Blair saw that evry one had instead of 3 forks and knifes had a 4th little knife (ment for eating the desert) it was really a lovely peace of art, with a little cross on top of it.
Then he looked up to bush who was sitting right in front him on the other side of the table, and he noticed that bush putted the little knife quitly in his jacked.
Blair tought of it for a second and desided he wanted one too, so he slowely moved it to the side of the table to put it in his pocket, but while doing this, the little knife hitted his glass, and the queen said: I think mr. Blair wants to say something.
Blair said: No sorry, just an accident. well that was close he tought, but I will try it again, but also the second time he did hit his glass. The Queen said: Ahum.. I think mr. Blair wants to say something. And again, Blair offered his apologize, and said it was an accident. The thirt time he did AGAIN hit his glass, and the queen said a little irritated, Mr. Blair wants to say something.
Blair stooth up, and picked up the little knife.
Yes, I want to show you some little magic trick. I put this knife here in the pocket of my jacked, and get it out again from bush his jacket
When all the guest arrived the dinner could be started, and there they were talking about the fact of the war in iraq, and if it should be 'allowed' or not.
While eating and talking Blair saw that evry one had instead of 3 forks and knifes had a 4th little knife (ment for eating the desert) it was really a lovely peace of art, with a little cross on top of it.
Then he looked up to bush who was sitting right in front him on the other side of the table, and he noticed that bush putted the little knife quitly in his jacked.
Blair tought of it for a second and desided he wanted one too, so he slowely moved it to the side of the table to put it in his pocket, but while doing this, the little knife hitted his glass, and the queen said: I think mr. Blair wants to say something.
Blair said: No sorry, just an accident. well that was close he tought, but I will try it again, but also the second time he did hit his glass. The Queen said: Ahum.. I think mr. Blair wants to say something. And again, Blair offered his apologize, and said it was an accident. The thirt time he did AGAIN hit his glass, and the queen said a little irritated, Mr. Blair wants to say something.
Blair stooth up, and picked up the little knife.
Yes, I want to show you some little magic trick. I put this knife here in the pocket of my jacked, and get it out again from bush his jacket
Weaksid
Reply #1125 Friday, August 15, 2003 5:47 AM
Reply #1125 Friday, August 15, 2003 5:47 AM
I'm amazed that this thread was still around 
It's been a long time since I've added to it. 
It's been a long time since I've added to it. 
mrtee
Reply #1126 Friday, August 15, 2003 6:17 PM
Reply #1126 Friday, August 15, 2003 6:17 PM
A blonde is driving her car and gets pulled over for speeding. The female Police officer; also a blonde, asks the driver for her license. The driver proceeds to shuffle through her purse nervously looking for her identification. Impatiently, the Officer explains " It's the one with your picture on it!" The driver finds her make up mirror and sees her face in it and hands it to the Police officer. The Police officer takes one look at the mirror and exclaims " If I would have known you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over!"
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer; dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer; dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
mrtee
Reply #1128 Wednesday, September 10, 2003 10:11 PM
Reply #1128 Wednesday, September 10, 2003 10:11 PM
Three old ornery grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old man walked by, and one of the grandmas says, "We bet we can tell how old you are."
The old man replied, "There ain`t no way you can guess it."
One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age."
So of course, he did what they asked. The grandmas stared at him for a while, one reached out an poked around a bit, then each took turns doing the same. Finally, after about 10 minutes, they all piped up and said, "You`re 84 years old!"
The old man was stunned. "Amazing! How did you guess that?"
The ornery old grandmas laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "You told us yesterday."
The old man replied, "There ain`t no way you can guess it."
One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age."
So of course, he did what they asked. The grandmas stared at him for a while, one reached out an poked around a bit, then each took turns doing the same. Finally, after about 10 minutes, they all piped up and said, "You`re 84 years old!"
The old man was stunned. "Amazing! How did you guess that?"
The ornery old grandmas laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "You told us yesterday."
Xaltec
Reply #1129 Friday, October 17, 2003 10:00 AM
Reply #1129 Friday, October 17, 2003 10:00 AM
Well......
Looks like I'm gunna have to find some new jokes to post here and get this thread running again!
Looks like I'm gunna have to find some new jokes to post here and get this thread running again!
SelfExiled
Reply #1130 Friday, October 17, 2003 1:29 PM
Reply #1130 Friday, October 17, 2003 1:29 PM
THE RULES ACCORDING TO MAN:
1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
3. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
4. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
5. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
6. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
7. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
8. You have enough clothes.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
11. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
12. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
13. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine. Really!
1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
3. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
4. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
5. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
6. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
7. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
8. You have enough clothes.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
11. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
12. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
13. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine. Really!
SelfExiled
Reply #1131 Saturday, October 18, 2003 4:33 AM
Reply #1131 Saturday, October 18, 2003 4:33 AM
Okay, now that all the ladies think I'm a jerk, here's a cutie for the road.
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
JD89187
Reply #1132 Saturday, October 18, 2003 3:01 PM
Reply #1132 Saturday, October 18, 2003 3:01 PM
THE TOP 6 MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE
1. the docter, because he says, "take your clothes off."
2. the dentist, because he says "open wide."
3. the hairdresser, because he says, "do you want it teased or blown?"
4. the milkman, because he says, "do you want it in the front or back."
5. the interior decorator, because he says, " once its in you'll love it."
6. the banker, because he says, "if you take it out too soon you'll lose interest."
someone has to think this is funny....maybe
1. the docter, because he says, "take your clothes off."
2. the dentist, because he says "open wide."
3. the hairdresser, because he says, "do you want it teased or blown?"
4. the milkman, because he says, "do you want it in the front or back."
5. the interior decorator, because he says, " once its in you'll love it."
6. the banker, because he says, "if you take it out too soon you'll lose interest."
someone has to think this is funny....maybe
Keila
Reply #1133 Thursday, November 6, 2003 5:10 PM
Bra Sizes
Now the mystery is solved!
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G,
and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
(DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help I've fallen and I can't get up!
Reply #1133 Thursday, November 6, 2003 5:10 PM
Bra Sizes
Now the mystery is solved!
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G,
and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
(DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help I've fallen and I can't get up!
_footsie_
Reply #1134 Thursday, November 6, 2003 6:36 PM Phooey hahaha 
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the
star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Thinking things were going very well, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled... "PEANUTS!!"
Reply #1134 Thursday, November 6, 2003 6:36 PM
Phooey hahaha 
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the
star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Thinking things were going very well, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled... "PEANUTS!!"
Keila
Reply #1135 Tuesday, November 18, 2003 3:27 PM
Reply #1135 Tuesday, November 18, 2003 3:27 PM
Colonoscopy humor: A physician claims these are actual comments from his
patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
[Message Edited]
patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
[Message Edited]
PixelPirate
Reply #1136 Thursday, November 20, 2003 12:40 PM
Reply #1136 Thursday, November 20, 2003 12:40 PM
Do you know of Star Dudes? Check this link: http://www.dudestudios.com
You can even dl epsiodes 4-6!
You can even dl epsiodes 4-6!
CerebroJD
Reply #1138 Thursday, December 4, 2003 12:04 AM
Reply #1138 Thursday, December 4, 2003 12:04 AM
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive
blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll
of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped off her clothes, rolled the dice, and yelled,
"Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered, "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked
up all the money and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know. I thought
YOU were watching!"
Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men . . are men.
attractive
blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll
of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped off her clothes, rolled the dice, and yelled,
"Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered, "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked
up all the money and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know. I thought
YOU were watching!"
Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men . . are men.
CerebroJD
Reply #1139 Thursday, December 4, 2003 12:06 AM
Reply #1139 Thursday, December 4, 2003 12:06 AM
There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off
the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads
straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry
across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still
coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes
lanes again and is still coming at him.
By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he
just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.
The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible
moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window.
The driver is a squirrel.
The squirrel says to the man says, "See, it's not as easy
as it looks, is it?"
the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads
straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry
across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still
coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes
lanes again and is still coming at him.
By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he
just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.
The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible
moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window.
The driver is a squirrel.
The squirrel says to the man says, "See, it's not as easy
as it looks, is it?"
CerebroJD
Reply #1140 Thursday, December 4, 2003 12:07 AM
Reply #1140 Thursday, December 4, 2003 12:07 AM
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have
an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when
he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting
beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit
fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have
an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when
he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting
beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit
fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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Reply #1121 Friday, July 11, 2003 7:20 PM