oops that didnt work. it was an attempt at a snake. ;b

Ph00ey got in a car accident and is okay but he's out of commission for a bit so it's kind of you to keep his thread going.

A Blind Mans Sport A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump" "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go" "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

Going to be that way are we. Here is another, along the same line.


A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think
I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
"The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Whats the difference between a bad skydiver and a bad golfer?

The bad golfer goes: *whack* "Dang!"

The bad skydiver goes: "Dang!" *whack*

at #1085

Alright. Here's something from the Old Crab. Who usually never ever tells a joke.
You know when you're really bad off when.................
You see and admire Al Bundy and Homer Simpson ...........and feel as if they're the luckiest and happiest people ever. (Crabby guy icon here)

schoompy, he is ok? not seriouse injured or something???

I'm just fine...but thanx for askin!



TO: All Employees From: Management
Re: Restroom Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective on the first of the month, a Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistant method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.



Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20 points. RTC can be accumulated from month to month.



Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition. During the next two (2) weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) management by the first of the month. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of Feb. Employees should

aquaint themselves with the stations during this period. It will be restrictive starting in 60 days.



If an employee's RTB balances at zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice print until the first of the month.



In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time paper roll retractor. If the restroom is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound throughout the entire building. A computer simulated voice will be activated and announce over the public announcing system the name of the delinquent employee. Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the restroom door will automatically open. If at that time, the employee still remains seated inside the stall, the restroom cameras (which will be linked to the payroll and security console) will turn on.



Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated. If you have any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask you supervisor.



Thank You!

Management





[Message Edited]

Good one PhOOey!

Where I work (a hospital) our department gets to clean up after visits to the facility mentioned.

This ties in quite nicley with our PTO (paid time off) policy, which most people in the department don't understand now! Heh, heh time for some fun!

George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard
----------------------------------------

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your
hands. People with documents in their hands look like
hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People
with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the
cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like
they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you
carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating
the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer,
it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and
receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and
generally have a blast without doing anything remotely
related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits
that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to
talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by
your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence is
to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus
saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean
desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working
hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your
workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same
as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and
wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury
the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack
and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice
mail. People don't call you just because they want to give
you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU
to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your
calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail
message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond
during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks
like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're
being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method
of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when
nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the
caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't
involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever
hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your
voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can
hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to
do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that
takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers
will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox
is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in
high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George
Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and
annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are
always busy.

6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late,
especially when the boss is still around. You could read
magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but
have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk
past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at
unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during
public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are
many people around, giving the impression that you are very
hard pressed.

8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of
documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. .
. . Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals
are the best.

9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and
pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when
in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to
understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10. * MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

good one!

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were
very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft
and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost,
and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot
and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really
was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him
a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats
of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way
on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force,
the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane
... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said,
"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane
and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

I'm glad you're ok Ph00ey

*Kim*

Thank you Kim


Insurance Form Statements...

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

like the area 51 joke!

Golf Bet


A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on first hole when a second fellow
approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually
plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even
after the first couple of holes. The second guy says "Say, we're about
evenly matched; how about we play for a $5 a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to
bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the
holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole and while
counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring
course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local
Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and
apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest
says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with
you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll
marry them for you."

The following is a true record of a trial.

Lawyer: "So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?"
Doctor: "That's correct."
Lawyer: "Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?"
Doctor: "No, I performed the autopsy."
Lawyer: "OK, were you aware of his vital signs when he was at the hospital?"
Doctor: "He came into the emergency room in shock and died a short time later."
Lawyer: "Did you pronounce him dead at that time?"
Doctor: "No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially."
Lawyer: "Well, are you even sure then, that he died in the emergency room."
Doctor: "That is what the records indicate."
Lawyer: "But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?"
Doctor: "The autopsy showed massive hemorrhaging in the chest area and that was the cause of death."
Lawyer: "I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?"
Doctor: "No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, HE COULD BE OUT PRACTICING LAW SOMEWHERE!!"

hehe those are both good ones!

Going Soon


A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"9...8...7..."