I might be dumb but I can spell 'duh'!... (Buffyspeak)

craeonics notices the subtle 'confession' inserted a dozen post up there

Cheer up girl. Remember: memento mori --> carpe diem.

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
jab. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize
to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last
pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically
and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they
have any hamsters.

How To Give a Dog a Pill

1) Wrap it in bacon.

Or the one hanging in my bathroom: "All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it".

AngEla... take care of yourself and don't worry about the hair that's silly & that is not what makes "you" (It'll grow back)
take care of yourself okay

Helpful Hint #1- A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Helpful Hint #2- Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables
by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Keila: That is one of the funniest things I have read in a while! Brilliant!!

You can pick your friends.
You can pick your nose.

But you can't pick your friend's nose.

gotta try that to give my cat his pills, but i amcurrently on step 14

Keila - don't let feline read that!

For those of you who actually tried to give your cat a pill, you may also want to bathe your cat as well.

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed; that somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach). Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odors; from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question. So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct.

Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits. Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

1. First: Dress for the occasion.A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3. 5 seconds.
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No, blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is essential. In one single liquid motion . shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.
7. As best you can (wearing welder's gloves), try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel round him.
12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
13. In about 2 hours it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.

o man!!!

SuperheroCanadian rolls on ground laughing!!

I hate to coin a new phrase but I think, no...I KNOW I just had a laugh-a-gasm!

....speaking of cats, there seems to be quite a few that can relate to all this cat wit...soooooo...ask yourself this..

Does Your Cat Own You ??!!
Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?
Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?
Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
Do you kiss your cat on the lips?
Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?
Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?
Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?
Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card?
Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?
Do you microwave your cat's food? Prepare it from scratch?
Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so you won't disturb the sleeping cat?
At the store, do you pick up the catfood and kitty litter before you pick out anything for yourself?
Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?
Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelette made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?
Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet's pictures in their wallets, by the way.)
When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?
Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?
When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?

Kinda bad, but so funny!


Read the following out loud (do not read to yourself beforehand):






I am we Todd it.
I am sofa king we Todd it.


If you don't get it, read again, only louder!

A man can survive in the desert by eating the 'sand which is there'

Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est. "Knowledge is power"

help

Someone please help, I'm rolling on the floor choking, laughing, and crying. It's starting to hurt