Three men ran into a bar.

You'd think the first one would have warned the other two.

why is a screaming baby like a football?

cause as soon as its handed to you, you pass it to someone else..

hahhaha

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve you here unless you are wearing a tie."

     The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck,
     goes back in and asks, "How's this?"

     The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't start anything."

A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop......

A man walks into a bar sits down and orders a round for the House.  The bartender smiles serves up the round heads over to the fellow and says the House thanks you that will be $65.00.

About this time a short man jumps out of the fellows pocket with the devil's look in his eye.  The short little fellow runs down the bar kicking over everyone's drink's into their laps, bends over and blow's the wind into a lady's face runs back to the bartender and pees all over him and finally jumps back into the man's pocket.

The bartender becomes enraged "NOW SEE HERE THAT'S NO WAY FOR YOUR LITTLE FRIEND TO BE ON ABOUT, I MIGHT LET YOU STAY IF YOU PAY THE DAMAGES BUT YOUR FRIEND HAS TO LEAVE NOW!!!"

The man hangs his head, stammers a bit but, composes himself and says, "he isn't my friend".

"THEN WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING IN YOUR POCKET", the bartender yells.

"Well all I can say is if you are ever walking down the beach and you you should come across an old lantern DON'T pick it up and NEVER wish for a 12 inch prick.   

This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down.
Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the snake.
The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."

A blind man walks into a bar and says 'Ouch!'

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar and the bartender says "Is this a joke?'

A termite walks into a bar and asks 'Where is the bar tender?'

A mute walks into a bar and says

A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a Western saloon. He pushes up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man that shot my paw.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The barman says, “We’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Kevin?”

An infectious disease walks into a bar.

The bartender says, ‘We don’t serve infectious diseases here,’ and the infectious disease says, ‘Well, you’re not a very good host.

guy walks into a bar...sits down and orders 5 shots of whiskey...does all 5 shots...bartender says wow ive never seen anyone do 5 shots of whiskey like that...guy says "if you had what I had..." bartender asks sorrowfully "what do you have?" guy replies..."2 Dollars"

Hooker walks into a bar and orders a stiff one.

And why do they call it a 'stiff' drink when one too many means you go all limp and can't stand up properly?

How do you know when an elephant's been in the saloon?  There's no peanuts left on the bar and the rest room is broken.

Guy walks into a bar .. bartender says.. Hi, I'm Jake and I'm an alcoholic.

It wasn't really a bar.

A White Russian walks into a bar, Bartender says, Hey, weve got a drink named after you, The White Russian says.. you have a drink called Anastasia Kleybanovoiskoreishego ????

 .. well, at least I don't Google my jokes 

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I’ll have a whiskey and......................soda.’ The bartender says, ‘Why the big pause?’ ‘Dunno,’ says the bear. ‘I’ve always had them.’

Oh Dear..... ok ok.... Horse walks into a bar, Bartender says.. Why the long face?

Drunken dwarf walks into a bar and is told to "get out" for being too intoxicated: "Not to worry," he splutters: "I've been 'thrown' out of better bars than this one."

a neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer?..... the bartender says... "for you, no charge"....    

love it..  

"Hey, are you that same piece of string I told to get lost?"

The string replies:

"No...I'm a frayed knot."