it's good to see they are looking after you so well......  

hi guys sorry havent been on for a while. have had great difficulty coping, anorexia causing huge issues.

well today the police called to inform me the suspect has moved and they have no idea where he is. i am shocked and devestated coz if they dont find him there will b no trial and i will have suffered again for nothing. i cant live another 20 yrs with this pain its just too much. i barely leave the flat, cant eat coz i want the pain to end so seem to be starving myself instead of using a razor. my hopes have been dashed of being able to move on, i know its not the polices fault they been excellent, its just one of those  things.

peace and forgiveness eh? who was i kidding? x

Its good too see you, I too have only just  started back again after 3 weeks in a mental hospital, I suffered depression  real bad  and was admitted into hospital I am on the mend now and taking 1 day at a time, its never easy  and things do get better I just wish its sooner rather than later but as I have been told it all takes time. I have been thinking of you and wonderd how you have been doing

Forgiveness: Antidote or Absolution?

"I can never forgive him."

How many times have you heard that?

We all want our own mistakes to be forgiven. But how many of us truly want to forgive? Especially on the big stuff?

Every time I write about forgiveness I get angry letters from people virtually shouting, "Why should he/she be forgiven? What they did was wrong."

I would never minimize anyone's pain, but isn't that kind of the point of forgiveness?. If they hadn't done something wrong there would be no need to forgive them.

The whole act of forgiveness is predicated on the understanding that the other person committed a transgression.

I think one of reasons that we're often reluctant to grant someone the grace of forgiveness, is because we don't want to validate their bad behavior. We might forgive a spouse who forgets to bring home the dry cleaning, but if someone cheats on us, steals from us, or does something even worse, we want them to have to pay for their actions.

And if they refuse to own up to it, forgiveness is even harder to find.

So how do you forgive a person who shows no remorse? And why would you even want to?

Here's the big secret about forgiveness - you don't do it for them, you do it for you.

It's been said that denying forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. When you refuse to forgive, nothing bad happens to them, but a lot of bad things happen to you.

Think of the most resentful, angry, unhappy person you know. I bet they can rattle off a whole list of all the people who have done them wrong. Some of them probably even have it written down.

Doesn't that sound like a fun way to go through life?

I have no idea how people forgive drunk drivers who mow down their children, or evil leaders who commit genocide, or even spouses who cheat.

But they do, and I notice that the common denominator amongst people who can forgive is peace.

When someone does something awful to you, they take power away from you. But when you forgive them, you take it back.

Think about it, if someone sincerely apologizes and asks you for forgiveness, don't you feel better? Of course you do, because you feel heard and in charge of what happens next.

But you don't have to wait for them to show remorse to start.

If you're struggling to forgive someone, and they haven't owned up to their mistake, find a sympathetic ear, speak the hurt out loud, let the other person validate it, and begin the process of moving on.

Yes, you deserve to have your hurt acknowledged. But the person who caused it doesn't even have to be involved.

For what it's worth, in all likelihood whoever hurt you probably had some hurts done to them and they were just simply paying it forward. I know that can be hard to hear, and it doesn't mitigate whatever they did to you.

But it does illustrate why it's in your best interest to stop the chain of pain. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, but it does give you the power to move on.

Because who wants to spend the rest of their life with a belly full of poison?

--- and a note from me... I understand it may be difficult, but please try not to let that bastard know of anything but the strength and serenity that I pray you will find.  You can't change the past, but you can change how you deal with it.

Loukeeya, he doesn't deserve forgiveness. I hope he burns in hell for all eternity and beyond. It's a way for you to release his grip on you. Well, your mind. You should make a mental exercise so's every time you think of him, you get up and do something. And make a conscious mental note at how easy that was. And every other time, guarenteed it will get easier. It helps to have support, but ultimately you and only you can beat this.

Make the effort darlin. It's so worth it. Merry Christmas

I've been thinking about you, Lou, and wondering where you've been, hoping you were getting better, and just too busy with your life to post.  I'm SO saddened to hear the end to this trauma isn't as near as it seemed.  In a way, though, if he's running from the police, you have him more frightened of you than you are of him.  There should be at least a little consolation in that, right?

i have a very big heart but am not yet ready for forgiveness, maybe if there is a trial i may be able too. i am not in a  happy place and fear thereb  will be no resolution. i know the police will make every effort to find  him but my only place of safety-home-now feels vulnerable.

you guys  are all so supportive, i know i may not seem thankgul but i truly am.

mrs starkers you are surrounded by love and am sure will soon be back to your dear self xx

thanks my Dear friend, and you too are surrounded by love , with in this  our  family community xx

Just a quick update dear friends - i was informed this morn that the suspect was arrested 2 days ago, is being held in custody. of course he has denied everything so i will end up having to go to court, am so relieved tho very emotional. anyway much love to you all   

YEAH!     I know you'll find the strength to testify when the day comes, but until then, live every day to its fullest and don't think about court until it happens.   I love you, Lou.

Hang in there Lou..... it'll all work out in the end

that's good news.... another step closer to putting this well and truly behind you... 

It's a shame there are to many people in this world like that person lou, Continue to be strong, do what is necessary and it will work out. Than you can come back here more and raise hell with all the good people here who care and love you.

It's good news that this animal has been caught and is incarcerated.   Hopefully this will give you greater peace of mind and the time to compose yourself for the impending court case.  

As for the forgiveness part, remember that it is not so much that he sleeps better at night for it, but that you do.  The forgiveness is to help you release the negative feelings that you've had bottled up for so long... those negative feeling that have made it so difficult for you to resume your life in peace.  I know this works because I forgave the person who assaulted me and put me in hospital.  Before the forgiveness I was consumed with all sorts of negative emotions and unable to move forward, but afterward I was able to recommence and rebuild my life day by day.  It took time but it was possible, having that huge weight of negativity taken from my shoulders.

Anyhow, chin up and we're thinking of you.

Maybe this time they'll keep him locked up. Hang in there.

bless  you all for your support and kindness - its really been a great help to me. i have had a very difficult time but once the trial is over i know i will finally have closure    

sorry i havent been on for a while-have been creating like a maniac on deviantart  lol. well, on monday i had a minor heart attack coz the stress is just too much for me. no lasting damage hopefully but the trial is in may, hope i can deal with it  

Sorry to hear that... not good at all.  Maybe creating some more [not quite like a maniac] on deviantart will help reduce the stress levels... you know, occupational therapy to help keep yout mind focussed on positive things.

As for the trial, yes, you will cope and get through it... you've come this far and you do have the strength to come out the other side.  Besides, it goes a long way towards the closure you've been seeking for so long, so yes, grab it with both hands and look forward to moving on to the next chapter of your life.

sorry to hear of your health scare....gotta reduce that stress...... I think you would seriously benefit from something like  breathing meditation..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXVeZYHDe1M&feature=related