Square Funnies
The best of..
Wednesday, October 7, 2009 by Phoon | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen seconds later): Loneliness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty...
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q.. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A.. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!
Reply #3 Wednesday, October 7, 2009 4:18 PM
Thank you Phoon!!! Those were the days of really funny comedians!!! Miss those guys...
Reply #5 Wednesday, October 7, 2009 5:42 PM
Really good ones, Phoon. It was the last of the shows where you could split yoir sides laughing....and it was usually completely unexpected.
Reply #6 Wednesday, October 7, 2009 6:11 PM
Good post and sad at the same time.
Out of all of them, I'm surprised that Rose Marie is the only one still alive.
Reply #7 Wednesday, October 7, 2009 7:14 PM
I miss Paul Lynde the most (if I had to pick). Good ol' Uncle Arthur. 
Reply #8 Wednesday, October 7, 2009 7:25 PM
Great post,it brings back some great memories. The Newlywed Game was also good for some really funny answers from contestants.
Reply #10 Wednesday, October 7, 2009 8:34 PM
FYI: Hulu has a lot of the old shows available to watch online
Reply #11 Wednesday, October 7, 2009 11:34 PM
That's because (according to a Paul Lynde interview I once saw) some directors/writers/producers got the shits when a bit of ad-libbing deviated some (any) from their ideas/scripts/concepts. According to Lynde, various Hollywood egos were killing off comedic/artistic creativity... hence his refusal to appear on certain (scripted) shows.
Carol Burnett was interviewed the following week, was asked about Lynde's comments and responded similarly.... that some egotistical directors/writers, etc, were killing off the trade.
They were right... too much scripted crap... near eff all to laugh at on TV these days. 
Reply #12 Saturday, October 10, 2009 2:12 PM
Harry the Hypocrit was good for a laugh..at.. last week on Hey Hey.
Reply #14 Saturday, October 10, 2009 8:36 PM
near eff all to laugh at on TV these days
Harry the Hypocrit was good for a laugh..at.. last week on Hey Hey.
Sadly, no. The entire shamozzle was pathetic at best. The show, the act, Harry... all truly forgettable. Hopefully, Channel 9 here won't bring it back permanently... again... ever.
*for those that don't know, Hey Hey It's Saturday was brought back for a 2 show reunion after a 15 year hiatus.... silly, silly bastards, those execs at channel 9... shoulda let sleeping dogs lie*
As for the act (Jackson Jive) and Connick's comments regarding it.... pretty much a storm in a teacup, really... it'll blow over.
Reply #15 Saturday, October 10, 2009 8:46 PM
and blitzed the ratings.....a good indication of how far free to air TV has sunk....gone right down the gurgler with all the rubbish reality shows...and no substance....
time Harry went home...and stayed there....
...and saved his 'preaching'.....for back home....link.... 
Reply #16 Saturday, October 10, 2009 11:39 PM
Yeah, free-to-air TV has become the epitomy of rubbish and substanceless tripe... not to mention all those effing phone sex ads. Then there's the AMI ads for little blue pills... for when the phone sex no longer arouses. Geez, those things annoy the crap out of me.... every 10 - 15 minutes there's a 5 minute ad break with incessant/repetitive "dial me up" and "get IT up" ads... and they're always twice as loud as everything else on TV.
If the idiot box is on, we gotta close all the windows and doors after 11.00pm... as in we don't want the neighbours thinking that's all we're interested in. Sure, I might get a few propositions, but at the same time, I don't wanna be the chief suspect when Mr. Goldilocks comes home from work and suspects somebody has been (not) sleeping in his bed... while his wife was in it.
Mind you, pay TV isn't a lot better these days.... it now has ads, and the repeats... gimme a break. I had Foxtel like 5 -6 years ago, and they're still showing the same shows, episodes and movies, even now... and a true premiere on Foxtel these days is as rare as rockinghorse manure.
I'd only get pay TV for the footy (rugby league, of course) but the trouble with that is you GOTTA take all the shopping channels, overseas news channels and other crap... then pay extra for what you do want. Bugger that... I refuse to pay for shit I'll never ever watch, just to get a few hours of what I'd like to see.
Oh for the good old days... when TV entertainment was for entertainment's sake... NOT greed or money.
Please login to comment and/or vote for this skin.
Welcome Guest! Please take the time to register with us.
There are many great features available to you once you register, including:
- Richer content, access to many features that are disabled for guests like commenting on the forums and downloading skins.
- Access to a great community, with a massive database of many, many areas of interest.
- Access to contests & subscription offers like exclusive emails.
- It's simple, and FREE!
Reply #1 Wednesday, October 7, 2009 3:34 PM
And I'm old enough to remember seeing all of these when they first came out...