Company Retirement Plans

Please read. This may be about you....

Thursday, August 20, 2009 by RedneckDude | Discussion: Community

Company Retirement Plans

Dear Employee;

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for division use, we are forced to cut down on personnel.

Under a new plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

The program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees may also request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependent or Spouse).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its program of employee development through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.

If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

Once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

The Management


Reply #1 Thursday, August 20, 2009 3:27 PM

     Thanks for makin my day, Jim!!!

Reply #2 Thursday, August 20, 2009 3:38 PM

That's a good one, Jim!

Reply #3 Thursday, August 20, 2009 3:45 PM

So imagine the workers who undergo SHIT (1) after learning at SHIT (2) to work at SHIT (3).

Special High Intensity Training = SHIT (1)

South Hampton Institiute of Technology = SHIT (2)


Reply #4 Thursday, August 20, 2009 5:11 PM

What's funny..that was my retirement plan. .................not

Reply #5 Thursday, August 20, 2009 6:29 PM

I immediately copied and emailed it to coworkers.     

Reply #6 Thursday, August 20, 2009 11:21 PM

I got it in an email. I had to share it!! 

Reply #7 Thursday, August 20, 2009 11:33 PM

I got it in an email. I had to share it

I think I'll just stick to humor myself. At least it stays on topic!

Reply #8 Friday, August 21, 2009 10:39 AM

that was funny i got a good giggle out of it. thanks for sharing!!!

Reply #9 Friday, August 21, 2009 12:28 PM

Now that seems to be more true than a joke.

Reply #10 Friday, August 21, 2009 12:47 PM

Damn, sounds like my plan.

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