A loss can be a double loss
Monday, March 17, 2008 by jebro | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
I don't often talk or write here but now I want to make a reflection.
When you lose a close family member it is always painful. I know most of you have experienced the same. Still you are never prepared when it happen. This is my first.
You feel vulnarable and small. You have a new kind of respect for the one who is no longer here. Grateful for the love and care you were given so unselfish when they were alive. You make a strong and painful step forward in life and you will never, ever be the same.
In situations like this you expect your relatives to stick together but when it turns out to be the opposite you can just shake your head and think - what makes people so selfish and greedy. So, a loss can also turn out to be a loss of some of those who you thought were true friends and family.
I guess I will never get the answer why.
Philly0381
Reply #2 Monday, March 17, 2008 2:00 PM
Reply #2 Monday, March 17, 2008 2:00 PM
jebro I can only agree with Zubaz, we are family in this community.
Something to always remember is most people just do not handle the lose of a family member or anyone for that fact very well. If they seem as though they may be distant or not grieving, they do and in time will. That's when family and friends will be needed. It's the little things like this that make us who we are.
Something to always remember is most people just do not handle the lose of a family member or anyone for that fact very well. If they seem as though they may be distant or not grieving, they do and in time will. That's when family and friends will be needed. It's the little things like this that make us who we are.
Lantec
Reply #3 Monday, March 17, 2008 2:35 PM
Reply #3 Monday, March 17, 2008 2:35 PM
My condolences Jebro.
The feelings of loss never recede but in time we learn to live with it.
Very true.
The feelings of loss never recede but in time we learn to live with it.
Something to always remember is most people just do not handle the lose of a family member or anyone for that fact very well. If they seem as though they may be distant or not grieving, they do and in time will. That's when family and friends will be needed. It's the little things like this that make us who we are.
Very true.
SirSmiley
Reply #4 Monday, March 17, 2008 4:26 PM
Reply #4 Monday, March 17, 2008 4:26 PM
Jebro, you have my heartfelt condolences.
Having experienced similar results after a violent loss of a family member the only advice I can give you is that we can never truly know what other family members are experiencing. What may seem petty or trivial to us may be their way of dealing or not dealing with things.
An example is my younger brother has admitted he hasn't dealt with the loss after seven years and is finally dealing with it. This is both a sad and happy moment and while we all have our own time frames for dealing with loss, in my opinion it would be a lot less painful by traveling that path together.
Admittedly I'm no better and many would say that by not sharing all that I witnessed that I haven't really dealt with the loss either.
It is sad that loss sometimes splits an otherwise close family apart.
Having experienced similar results after a violent loss of a family member the only advice I can give you is that we can never truly know what other family members are experiencing. What may seem petty or trivial to us may be their way of dealing or not dealing with things.
An example is my younger brother has admitted he hasn't dealt with the loss after seven years and is finally dealing with it. This is both a sad and happy moment and while we all have our own time frames for dealing with loss, in my opinion it would be a lot less painful by traveling that path together.
Admittedly I'm no better and many would say that by not sharing all that I witnessed that I haven't really dealt with the loss either.
It is sad that loss sometimes splits an otherwise close family apart.
jebro
Reply #5 Monday, March 17, 2008 5:30 PM
Reply #5 Monday, March 17, 2008 5:30 PM
Zubaz, Philly0381, Lantec, SirSmiley
Thank you for your nice words. They are very true. ...and encouraging.
To become acrimonious or even judgemental has never done any good to anyone. There is a reason for everything that we cannot always understand at first. Hopefully I will become a little bit wiser and agreeable, instead.
There is not always a rational explanation.
Thank you for your nice words. They are very true. ...and encouraging.
To become acrimonious or even judgemental has never done any good to anyone. There is a reason for everything that we cannot always understand at first. Hopefully I will become a little bit wiser and agreeable, instead.
There is not always a rational explanation.
Philly0381
Reply #6 Monday, March 17, 2008 6:02 PM
Reply #6 Monday, March 17, 2008 6:02 PM
You are welcome jebro.
In all the things that happen in our day to day life that will pull on our emotions and feelings, probably the most important thing to remember is to take care of ourselves first. Once we do that we can then be available to help others through those emotional times.
From what you have written you will be there for your family and friends.
In all the things that happen in our day to day life that will pull on our emotions and feelings, probably the most important thing to remember is to take care of ourselves first. Once we do that we can then be available to help others through those emotional times.
From what you have written you will be there for your family and friends.
BigDogBigFeet
Reply #7 Monday, March 17, 2008 7:04 PM
Sometimes it can appear to us that people can sometimes behave like vultures who feed upon the cadaver of human things and possessions, instead mourning the loss of a family member. Hopefully these family members will come to their senses and stop fighting. It takes time to absorb loss. All people who live long enough experience such losses. It's important to remember we need to make it possible for others to remember us with love, compassion and gratefulness also.
Reply #7 Monday, March 17, 2008 7:04 PM
In situations like this you expect your relatives to stick together but when it turns out to be the opposite you can just shake your head and think - what makes people so selfish and greedy. So, a loss can also turn out to be a loss of some of those who you thought were true friends and family.
Sometimes it can appear to us that people can sometimes behave like vultures who feed upon the cadaver of human things and possessions, instead mourning the loss of a family member. Hopefully these family members will come to their senses and stop fighting. It takes time to absorb loss. All people who live long enough experience such losses. It's important to remember we need to make it possible for others to remember us with love, compassion and gratefulness also.
killajosh
Reply #8 Monday, March 17, 2008 8:15 PM
Reply #8 Monday, March 17, 2008 8:15 PM
jebro, I can sympathize and empathize with you. My grandmother died January 3rd, 2002 and my father committed suicide 10 days later. My family fell apart after that. Everyone got stupid (for lack of a better term) after that, started arguing about my grandmother's estate. She left all the kids and grandkids $20,000...except for me. She left me $40,000. I was the only person there when my grandfather died. I stayed with them and helped take care of him when he was dying of cancer. I gave up a music scholarship to be there with them. I was there when he died.
It pissed everyone off. I told them that they could keep the money, do what they wanted with it. I was ashamed of the way they acted, and I know my grandmother was rolling over in her grave over the whole thing.
I haven't spoken to anyone in my family for 6 years now........
It pissed everyone off. I told them that they could keep the money, do what they wanted with it. I was ashamed of the way they acted, and I know my grandmother was rolling over in her grave over the whole thing.
I haven't spoken to anyone in my family for 6 years now........
HG_Eliminator
Reply #10 Tuesday, March 18, 2008 4:08 AM
Reply #10 Tuesday, March 18, 2008 4:08 AM
My Sincerest.
No one can ever truely prepare for the worst, even if you knew it was coming. It will always be a life changing ordeal. The only thing we can do, is cling to loved ones around us and avoid those who wish to hurt us or benefit from the loss.
I know it is painful at this point in time, and it may seem that the world has come crashing down. Time will ease the hurt and allow you to remember the good times. Years later I still miss my mom and I still get a little misty eyed thinking about her.
I try to focus on remembering her zest for life and draw strength from the things she tried to teach me growing up.
Try not to focus on the loss, even as hard as it is. Try to focus on what you gained by having that family member be a part of your life. Remember the good things , the funny, silly, kooky memories that gave you all a laugh. It will help.
HG
No one can ever truely prepare for the worst, even if you knew it was coming. It will always be a life changing ordeal. The only thing we can do, is cling to loved ones around us and avoid those who wish to hurt us or benefit from the loss.
I know it is painful at this point in time, and it may seem that the world has come crashing down. Time will ease the hurt and allow you to remember the good times. Years later I still miss my mom and I still get a little misty eyed thinking about her.
I try to focus on remembering her zest for life and draw strength from the things she tried to teach me growing up.
Try not to focus on the loss, even as hard as it is. Try to focus on what you gained by having that family member be a part of your life. Remember the good things , the funny, silly, kooky memories that gave you all a laugh. It will help.
HG
WebGizmos
Reply #11 Tuesday, March 18, 2008 6:20 AM
Reply #11 Tuesday, March 18, 2008 6:20 AM
First of all Jeb...I'm sorry for your loss.
The sad thing about people Jeb is that no matter who they are...family...friends...or anyone else for that matter...you can count on one hand how many of them you truly know and will always be there for you...and can really consider a friend. Like it or not this is a sad fact of life...it shouldn't be...but my experiences in life have shown me this to be true. And its usually in situations like yours that they show they're true self. Its really sad going through life thinking you know someone only to find out they were nothing like you thought they were.
The best thing you can do is be true to yourself above all. Most people you meet in life will be nothing more than acquaintances...even though they may call you friend...the problem is that people use that word to easily just out of habit. And there's nothing wrong with acquaintances...but you just have to keep it all in perspective. Friends...few...acquaintances...more than you can count. And even though you would think family would go deeper than that...in the end they are still just people.
The sad thing about people Jeb is that no matter who they are...family...friends...or anyone else for that matter...you can count on one hand how many of them you truly know and will always be there for you...and can really consider a friend. Like it or not this is a sad fact of life...it shouldn't be...but my experiences in life have shown me this to be true. And its usually in situations like yours that they show they're true self. Its really sad going through life thinking you know someone only to find out they were nothing like you thought they were.
The best thing you can do is be true to yourself above all. Most people you meet in life will be nothing more than acquaintances...even though they may call you friend...the problem is that people use that word to easily just out of habit. And there's nothing wrong with acquaintances...but you just have to keep it all in perspective. Friends...few...acquaintances...more than you can count. And even though you would think family would go deeper than that...in the end they are still just people.
MetalHellssAngel
Reply #12 Tuesday, March 18, 2008 6:24 AM
Let me say you have my condolences I recently right after this past Christmas lost my only remaining grandparent, and my grandmother I lost on Christmas Day of 2007 I understand it must be hard and my thoughts are with you.
Unfortunately this can sometimes be true I have a large family and some them really "showed" their true colors when grandma passed and they couldn't wait to go through her stuff and take what they wanted. Just try to remember that in the end it's them who are truly missing out because family and friends can be so rewarding.
Reply #12 Tuesday, March 18, 2008 6:24 AM
Still you are never prepared when it happen. This is my first.You feel vulnarable and small. You have a new kind of respect for the one who is no longer here. Grateful for the love and care you were given so unselfish when they were alive. You make a strong and painful step forward in life and you will never, ever be the same.
Let me say you have my condolences I recently right after this past Christmas lost my only remaining grandparent, and my grandmother I lost on Christmas Day of 2007 I understand it must be hard and my thoughts are with you.
In situations like this you expect your relatives to stick together but when it turns out to be the opposite you can just shake your head and think - what makes people so selfish and greedy. So, a loss can also turn out to be a loss of some of those who you thought were true friends and family.I guess I will never get the answer why.
Unfortunately this can sometimes be true I have a large family and some them really "showed" their true colors when grandma passed and they couldn't wait to go through her stuff and take what they wanted. Just try to remember that in the end it's them who are truly missing out because family and friends can be so rewarding.
sydneysiders
Reply #13 Tuesday, March 18, 2008 6:24 AM
Reply #13 Tuesday, March 18, 2008 6:24 AM
jebro, I'm so sorry to hear of the sad time you're going through....it makes it even sadder when people disappoint with their behaviour....very disheartening....
and killajosh....you know you ended up the wealthiest of all by far, the time you spent with your grandfather is something you will have and treasure for ever....priceless....
and killajosh....you know you ended up the wealthiest of all by far, the time you spent with your grandfather is something you will have and treasure for ever....priceless....
jebro
Reply #14 Tuesday, March 18, 2008 10:06 AM
All of you guys are amazing. Thank you for your words.
Reply #14 Tuesday, March 18, 2008 10:06 AM
All of you guys are amazing. Thank you for your words.
ZubaZ
Reply #15 Tuesday, March 18, 2008 10:24 AM
Reply #15 Tuesday, March 18, 2008 10:24 AM
Today is a good day though, right?
Look well to this Day
for Yesterday is but a memory
and Tomorrow is only a vision
but Today IF LIVED WELL makes
every yesterday a Memory of Happiness
and every tomorrow a Vision of Hope
LOOK WELL THEREFORE TO THIS DAY!
for Yesterday is but a memory
and Tomorrow is only a vision
but Today IF LIVED WELL makes
every yesterday a Memory of Happiness
and every tomorrow a Vision of Hope
LOOK WELL THEREFORE TO THIS DAY!
-- Sanskrit poem
frankell
Reply #16 Tuesday, March 18, 2008 10:51 AM
Reply #16 Tuesday, March 18, 2008 10:51 AM
jebro...
I would be of some help
as psychologist I find something positive in the fact you compared an almost impossible to manage loss with another quite easier,
probably your realatives and friend could do nothing different to change your opinion about them but anyway thanks to them you changed a little bit your point of view,
you can fell a lost only if you "care about", the firts step to "elaborate the lost" was to change the perspective on someone you will se again day after day, also be sure you will meet again in your dreams your close dear lost..
not only in "The Tempest": "we are the stuff as the dreams are made"
my deepest condolences...
I would be of some help
as psychologist I find something positive in the fact you compared an almost impossible to manage loss with another quite easier,
probably your realatives and friend could do nothing different to change your opinion about them but anyway thanks to them you changed a little bit your point of view,
you can fell a lost only if you "care about", the firts step to "elaborate the lost" was to change the perspective on someone you will se again day after day, also be sure you will meet again in your dreams your close dear lost..
not only in "The Tempest": "we are the stuff as the dreams are made"
my deepest condolences...
jebro
Reply #17 Tuesday, March 18, 2008 4:51 PM
Reply #17 Tuesday, March 18, 2008 4:51 PM
Zubaz - Yes, you're right. The poem brightened up my day.
frankell - Thank you so much.
frankell - Thank you so much.
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Reply #1 Monday, March 17, 2008 1:46 PM
I'll stick with you.
Good thoughts and prayers to you and yours as you deal with whatever has happened. We're family, right? How could I do less? I wish I could do more.