Keila last one are photoshopped. The first crane truck falling into the drink is real, but second never fell off.

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down    

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.  

Now here are the rules from the male side.   


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!  

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
   You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
   We need it up, you need it down.
   You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
   or the changing of the tides.
   Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
   Let us be clear on this one:
   Subtle hints do not work!
   Strong hints do not work!
   Obvious hints do not work!
   Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
   Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
   In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
   Don't ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry
   we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
   Or tell us how you want it done.
   Not both.
   If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
   Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
   We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
   We know you are lying , but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hunting or Fishing.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
   Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


   But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

The perfect hack or major screw-up

http://www.tmz.com/2009/08/20/the-perfect-grill-for-a-cannibal

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it.
A man answered saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it,and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole."
So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later,right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two asshole to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called asshole #1.
"Hello"
"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer out front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
Now, I feel better.

Some Jewish Jokes for a Sunday:

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have? " The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."

Q: "How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a burned-out electric light bulb?" A: None: "It's okay, I will sit here in the dark..."

The dutiful Jewish son is sitting at his father's bedside. His father is near death. Father: "Son." Son: "Yes Dad." Father: (weakly) "Son. That smell. Is Mama making my favorite apple strudel?" Son: "Yes Dad." Father: (even weaker) "Ah, if I could just have one more piece of Mama's apple strudel. Would you get me a piece?" Son: "OK, Dad." (Son leaves and walks toward kitchen. After a while the son returns and sits down next to his father again.) Father: "Is that you son?" Son: "Yes Dad." Father: "Did you bring the apple strudel?" Son: "No Dad." Father: "Why? It's my dying wish!" Son: "Well Dad. Mom says the strudel is for after the funeral!"

Four Jewish ladies, at a resort in the Catskills, were in rockers on the veranda and admiring the scenery. After a while the first woman sighed, "Oy!" The others sighed sympathetically. Then the second woman sighed, "Oy Vey!" The others nodded. A third woman said, "Oy, Gottenyu!" The others nodded as if in agreement. Finally, the fourth woman said, "Enough talk about the children. Let's go for a walk!"

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He went around saying "Yo Yav!"

Manny goes into a restaurant and orders fried haddock. The waiter serves him a nice sized piece of fish. As he's walking away the waiter overhears Manny talking to the fish. Soon Manny is deep in conversation with his lunch.
"What on earth are you doing?" says the waiter. “Do you want to eat it or marry it?” Manny replies, “We're just schmoozing. It seems that the fish is from Herne Bay in Kent. I used to live there and I was asking the fish how things are back in my old home town.”
"What did he say?" asked the waiter.
"He said, “How should I know? I haven’t been there in years!”

A congregant asked his Rabbi, "Rabbi, you’re a man of God. So why is it that you are always talking business when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters when I'm not at work?"
"You have discovered one of the principles of human nature," the Rabbi replied.
"And what principle is that, Rabbi?"
"People like to discuss things they know nothing about."

A very rich man met  a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ''But we don't know anything about each other.'' He said,''That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'' So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
''That was incredible!'' she said.
''I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.'' So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
''That was incredible!" he said. "Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?''
''No,'' she said, ''I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.''

Two Alligators

 
Two alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller
alligator turned to the bigger one & said, "I
can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I
just don't get it."
 
"Well" said the big gator, "what have you
 been eating?"
 
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small
 Gator.
 
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
 
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot
 by the Capitol."
 
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
 
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars &
wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab
them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat'em!"

"Ah!"  says the big alligator, "I think I see
your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.
 See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a
politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a
briefcase."

You'd think politicians 'd give 'em gas.... being full of hot air n' all.

State Mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney....

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared

Another one from my mother.(In case any of you wondered which side of my family I got my sense of humor from.)

A man meets a gorgeous looking country girl in a bar and strikes up a converstation with her to help pass the time.  However, it became quite evident to him a few minutes in that she was not very knowledgeable and was quite naive... particularly when it came to sexual matters.

Several sexually oriented questions had been asked and her answers were so naive that he felt game enough to ask if she would like to go back to his place and see his penis.  She said yes so they took off towards his apartment via the take-away to pick up some more liquor to help (he figured) with the 'introduction'.

When they got back to his place he poured her a double whiskey,  and while he was putting on a bit of 'mood' music to help set the scene, she asked him: "Well, how about you show me this penis thingy before I get too tipsy and fall asleep."

"Okay, then!" as he unzipped his fly and proudly presented his 'manhood' to her: "What do you think?"

"That's a penis?", she asked: "Hmmm, just like a dick but a whole lot smaller!"

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account & insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk & replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious & asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised & asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh & told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president & said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer a s a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet & spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way & that, checking them over again & again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square & reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer & acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she & her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better & asked the president if she could hold them to be absolutely sure. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that & she replied,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would  have the president of the bank of Canada by the balls

Dark in Here

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover

are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!!!..."

A guy and his friend went hunting. They're in the middle of the woods when one keels over. He's lying on the ground with eyes glazing over and his friend calls 911:

-Hello?

-This is 911 (a calm reassuring voice says) how can I help?

-I'm out in the woods and my friend keeled over. I think he's dead. What should I do?

-First, are you sure he's dead?

-BANG! A gunshot is heard. The guy comes back on the phone:

-OK, he's dead. What's next?

Time for a bUMp;

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?  
None. It should be opened when she brings it.  
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a laundromat  
a really bad place to pick up a woman?  
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?  
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.  
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when  
a woman is about to say something smart?  
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?  
You don't. There is a clock on the oven..
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.  
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until . they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.  
------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.  
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Disclaimer * the opinions expressed in this joke are not necessarily my own

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget
about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just
want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee
time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have
time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him." 

.