Joke Central
please add your own, we all can use a laugh
Thursday, February 7, 2008 by Keila | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."
What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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Reply #502 Thursday, May 14, 2009 5:13 PM
The police arrested a guy who claimed his name was Marvin Fuckbreak. They phoned his place of employ to ensure that was really his name.
The officer said, "Do you have a Fuckbreak there?"
The person on the other end said, "No, we don't even get a coffee break!"
Reply #503 Thursday, May 14, 2009 5:15 PM
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
Reply #504 Thursday, June 11, 2009 12:07 PM
Sex Sandals
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them. He was satisfied with things they way they were. The Jamaican quickly figured out the wife felt like she was getting the short end of the stick, so to speak.
The wife asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Tell him to just try dem on, Lady." So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as the husband slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. There was a level of excitement his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!"
Reply #511 Friday, August 7, 2009 3:25 PM
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'.. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt! '
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' h e said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow'
Reply #512 Saturday, August 8, 2009 8:41 AM
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, ly ing in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a cellphone with a video recorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle ?
Reply #513 Saturday, August 8, 2009 9:05 AM
Some penguin jokes for Doc.
Q: How do Penguins drink their cola?
A: On the rocks.
Q: What´s black and white and goes round and around?
A: A Penguin in a revolving door.
Q: Why don´t you see Penguins in Britain?
A: Because they´re afraid of Wales.
Q: Who is a Penguin´s favourite pop star?
A: Seal.
Q: What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
A: Starfish.
Q: Why don´t Penguins like rock music?
A: They only like sole.
Q: Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
A: Because they haven´t got any pockets.
Q: What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Q: What do mother Penguins say to their children
before they go out in the dark?
A: Beak....careful out there.
Q: Why do two Penguins in a nest always agree?
A: Because they don´t wanna fall out.
Q: What do Penguins have for lunch?
A: Icebergers.
Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A: Lost.
Reply #514 Saturday, August 8, 2009 9:24 AM
More penguin jokes:
A penguin was passing the drug store when he decided he wanted to go in. He walks in the door (ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle) he waddles up to the counter. 'Can I help you mister penguin?'
'Yes, do you have any plums?'
'No, penguin, this is a drugstore.'
'Thank you.' The penguin leaves (waddle waddle waddle)
A while latter the penguin passes by again and once again goes inside. (ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle) He waddles to the counter. 'Excuse me, do you have any plums?'
'NO, penguin! this is a drug store!'
'Very well then, thank you.'
'If you come back in here again penguin, I will nail your cute little feet to the floor.'
'Oh, well, thank you' The penguin waddles out the door.
A while latter the penguin goes back into the store. (ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle) 'Excuse me sir.'
'WHAT!!!!!!????????'
'Do you have any nails?'
'NO! penguin, this is a drug store!!!'
'Oh, well then, do you have any plums?'
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"
Now I'm off to ponder on Docs post at #512
Reply #515 Saturday, August 8, 2009 4:39 PM
Subject: The economy is so bad
> that...
>
>
>
> The economy is so bad that...
> CEO's are now
> playing miniature golf.
> >
> Jewish women are marrying for love.
>
> >
> Even people who had nothing to do with the Obama
> administration aren't
> paying their taxes.
> >
> If the bank
> returns your check marked "Insufficient
> Funds," you call them
> and ask
> if they meant you or them.
> >
> Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are
> trading higher than GM.
> >
> Obama met with small businesses to
> discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer,
> and Citigroup.
> >
>
> McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
> >
> Parents in Beverly
> Hills fired their nannies and learned their
> children's
> names.
> >
>
> A truck of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
> >
> The
> most highly paid job now is jury duty.
> >
> Dick Cheney took his
> stockbroker hunting.
> >
> People in Africa are donating money to
> Americans.
> >
> Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids,
> "Finish your plate, do you know
> how many kids are starving in the
> US?"
> >
> Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
> >
>
> The Mafia is laying off judges.
> >
> Exxon-Mobil laid off 25
> Congressmen.
> >
> And finally... Congress says they are looking
> into this Bernard Madoff
> scandal.
> Hey, neat! The guy who made $50
> billion disappear is being investigated by
> the people who made $750
> billion
> disappear!
Reply #516 Saturday, August 8, 2009 4:41 PM
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.
Reply #517 Saturday, August 8, 2009 5:18 PM
@Ed !
@Randy!
Why did the Siamese twins got to England?
So the other one could drive for a while.
What did Dan Quayle say when Mrs. Quayle blew
softly in his ear?
"Thanks for the refill."
Two miserable inhabitants of hell were taking a
walk when a frigid breeze blew. A moment later, a
storm dumped several inches of snow, reducing
the blazing fires to sizzling steam. The men
looked around in amazement.
"What do you suppose is going on?" one asked.
"Only thing I can figure," the other said, "is
that the Cubs went to the series.
Reply #518 Saturday, August 8, 2009 9:16 PM
How to make a woman happy:
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
Reply #520 Monday, August 10, 2009 11:47 AM
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Reply #501 Monday, May 11, 2009 10:14 AM
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"