Kisses on the neck

Sunday, September 26, 2021 by gpensanti | Discussion: Humor

A prisoner escapes from prison, where he's been locked up for 15 years.  Breaking into a house for money and guns, he finds a young couple in bed.  He ties the man to a chair, while trying the homeowner's wife to the bed.  The convict kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife; "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.  He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.  I saw he he kissed your neck.  If he wants sex, don't resist.  Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.  If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.  Be strong, honey, I love you so!"

His wife4 responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.  He was whispering in my ear.  He told me that he's gay, thinks you're  cute and asked if we hade any Vaseline.  I told him it was in the bathroom.  "Be strong honey.  I love you, toooo."

 

 

 

LightStar
Reply #1 Sunday, September 26, 2021 4:38 PM

     

starkers
Reply #2 Sunday, September 26, 2021 6:33 PM

A botanist collecting plant samples in the jungle is beset upon by two male gorillas who tie him with his face to a tree with vines.  They then pull down his pants and proceed to sodomise him.  A while after they had finished and left the scene, a couple of chimpanzees see his bare butt and avail themselves of it also.  When they had finished and left the scene, a couple of baboons come and repeat the act. Shortly after a group of Masai warriors take advantage of his compromised postion, as did a tribe of pygmy hunters.

A few hours had passed and a priest on missionary work came along and asked the botanist what had happened to him.  The botanist told him of his ordeal in detail and said: "I am so glad you came along, father, to release me from this embarrassing and most uncomfortable ordeal."

With that the priest begins to unzip his fly and the botanist asks what he's doing.

The Priest responds: "It's just not your lucky day, is it.

crplair
Reply #3 Sunday, September 26, 2021 8:14 PM

       

naroon1
Reply #4 Monday, April 18, 2022 10:25 AM

A guy on his way to work each day walks past a farmers field with 1 sheep in it, after a week or so when walking past, he notices the same sheep but with only 3 legs. The next day whilst walking past he sees the farmer also in the field and askes him, why has the sheep only got 3 legs. The farmer tells him, this sheep is an amazing animal, smart beyond belief, last week i got stuck under one of the farming machines whilst doing repairs, the sheep ran over, lifted the farm machine off my leg and dragged me clear, what an amazing creature, the man thinking he would be late for work thought, oh well and continued to work.

A few days later, again the man seen the farmer in the field and thought he would ask again. The farmer said, this sheep is amazing, a Fox came close to the chicken pen, the sheep ran over and chased the fox away, what a brave little sheep. Again without an answer, the man left on his way to work.

2 Days later the man was passing and seen that the same sheep now had only two legs, but was getting around well, he thought, i am early for work today so i am going to ask the farmer outright about the sheep's missing legs. He knocks on the farmhouse door and asks the farmer again, why has the sheep now got two legs when last week it had 3, and before that it had all 4 legs. The farmer again tells the man how this sheep is amazing, this time telling a tale of a few missing cows, missing for two days and thought lost, but out went the sheep and within one hour  herded the missing cows back to there Pen and safety, what a wonderful sheep again said the farmer. The man raises his voice a little and askes the farmer , i understand this is a truly amazing sheep, but please tell me why he has missing legs when earlier he did not, The farmer looked him right in the eyes and told the man, when you have a sheep that is so smart, so brave, and so resourceful as this sheep, You Wouldn't  Eat Him All At Once, would you. That would be stupid.

DrJBHL
Reply #5 Monday, April 18, 2022 10:55 AM

A blonde was tired of hearing dumb blonde jokes so she dyed her hair red, and took a drive. As she was driving down a country road she noticed a shepherd with his flock. She stopped the car and approached him. "Excuse me sir." she said, "If I guess how many sheep are in your flock can I have one?".

The shepherd thought it over and figured she'd never get the number right, as it was a decent sized flock.

The blonde (now of course with dyed hair) looked at the flock, walked a bit here and there, really concentrated and said "89".

The shepherd was shocked that she got the number right, but a promise is a promise. He grumbled that she was free to pick one and take it.

As our heroine was putting her prize in her car, the shepherd came running up to her.

"Excuse me miss", he pants, "but if I guess your true hair colour can I have my dog back?"

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