Some Funny Stuff...

Sunday, December 4, 2016 by Jafo | Discussion: Humor

Humour for smart people


The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.



Here are the winners:


1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.



4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)


11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.



17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:
  

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.


5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.


13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

neone6
Reply #1 Sunday, December 4, 2016 9:33 PM

Haaaahahahahahahahahahahaha lmfao 

Wizard1956
Reply #2 Monday, December 5, 2016 5:11 AM

Now that's some funny stuff there!   Thanks, Jafo, I needed a good chuckle.

Uvah
Reply #3 Monday, December 5, 2016 6:54 AM

 

alaknebs
Reply #4 Monday, December 5, 2016 9:47 AM

i don't see no stiff...

 

WebGizmos
Reply #5 Monday, December 5, 2016 12:31 PM

starkers
Reply #6 Sunday, February 26, 2017 8:23 PM

Yeah, got a few laughs out of that lot.  Thanks for sharing.

RedneckDude
Reply #7 Tuesday, June 6, 2017 11:16 PM


4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

HEY!!

 

RedneckDude
Reply #8 Wednesday, June 7, 2017 9:41 PM

CliveDonner
Reply #9 Thursday, March 22, 2018 5:10 AM


11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Uvah
Reply #10 Thursday, March 22, 2018 8:50 AM

starkers
Reply #11 Friday, March 23, 2018 12:11 AM

Assteroid..... a growth that makes sitting an uncomfortable exercise.

Hormoan.... a noise you hear outide a brothel window.

Harddrive..... when your steering wheel only turns one way.

Solophobia.... the fear of continually having sex alone.

Agrophobia... the fear of fecking up and getting angry with yourself.

Iphobia.... the fear of Apple products.

And last but not least...

Master Baits.... a pirate who loves fishing

 

starkers
Reply #12 Saturday, March 24, 2018 1:33 AM

Circumstance..... a stubborn erection that won't go away.

Circumspect..... checking out yer manhood for peculiarities.

Greenthumb..... a gardener who hasn't yet realised his thumb needs to come off.

Cyclone..... a manufactured being with just the one eye.

Auntybiotic.... a relative who comes and kisses it all better.

Auntydepressant.... another relative who visits and ruins your Sunday afternoons.

starkers
Reply #13 Saturday, March 24, 2018 1:04 PM

Assylum... where a proctologist does his best work.

SIMpathetic.... when your provider is sorry your phone doesn't work.

Organist.... a laboratory worker who plays with organisms.

Organic.... the person you call when your organism breaks down.

Enginear.... a person who installs ear implants.

Lunartick.... came back with Neil Armstrong and has been a nuisance at the asylum ever since.

starkers
Reply #14 Monday, March 26, 2018 7:05 AM

Haughtyculturalist.... gardener who thinks his plants are superior to anyone elses.

Absailor..... seaman who does situps to stay in shape.

Auntysocial.... relative who spends most of her time on Facebook.

Universes... students sing these at college revues

starkers
Reply #15 Tuesday, March 27, 2018 12:37 PM

Wet Summer's Night Dream.... Not a dry eye in the house.

Chamlet..... about a village dominated by Swiss Chalets.

Julius Seized'er.... about a roman orgy goer,

Brothello.... about an Italian house of ill repute at the height of the tourist season.

Henry The Ached.... about the famous king's issues with Arthritis.

Headward The Seventh.... about another king who had trouble finding headwear to fit.

The Urchin of Venice..... drowned cos he couldn't find any streets to beg, borrow or steal on.

A Flound of Pesh.... regarding a fellow who was addicted to Spoonerisms.

And seeing as it is making headlines around the world.....

Scuff, scuff, shine, shine, scuff, scuff, shine, shine.... the sound of an Aussie Cricket villan tampering with the ball.

 

Uvah
Reply #16 Tuesday, March 27, 2018 7:41 PM

Cricket Gate......who'da thunk it!      

starkers
Reply #17 Wednesday, March 28, 2018 12:17 AM


Cricket Gate......who'da thunk it!      

Yeah, Cricket Gate..... open to rampant ball tampering.

starkers
Reply #18 Wednesday, March 28, 2018 11:05 PM

Being this thread is about funny stuff, I should state that the Aussie cricket ball tampering thing is not funny.  There's nothing funny about it!  What it shows is poor judgement, bad sportsmanship and contempt for the game and the opposition. It was a sad day for the sport.  Therefore I shall not be making anymore jokes about it here.

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