Joke Central
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Thursday, February 7, 2008 by Keila | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
IRS
At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."
What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."
What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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Keila
Reply #142 Thursday, July 3, 2008 10:17 AM
Reply #142 Thursday, July 3, 2008 10:17 AM
Flooding Survival Kit
Toilet Paper......................................check
Bud Light..........................................check
Keystone Ice.....................................check
Budweiser....................................... check
Red Dog...........................................check
Misc. other bottles of alcohol..............check
Piece of plywood to float your
old lady and booze on ...................... double check
Toilet Paper......................................check
Bud Light..........................................check
Keystone Ice.....................................check
Budweiser....................................... check
Red Dog...........................................check
Misc. other bottles of alcohol..............check
Piece of plywood to float your
old lady and booze on ...................... double check
ALMonty
Reply #143 Saturday, July 5, 2008 5:30 PM
Reply #143 Saturday, July 5, 2008 5:30 PM
Are you tired of those asinine "friendship" poems with decent intentions, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here's a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
ALMonty
Reply #145 Wednesday, July 9, 2008 8:34 PM
Reply #145 Wednesday, July 9, 2008 8:34 PM
This is not a Zubaz joke 
Can You Read This? Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
Can You Read This? Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
PoSmedley
Reply #146 Wednesday, July 9, 2008 9:01 PM
Reply #146 Wednesday, July 9, 2008 9:01 PM
Three mimes and Zubaz walk into a bar.
They sit at the bar and the bartender asks "What'll you have?"
Zubaz orders a Double Flaming Nipple.
The bartender warily looks at the first mime and asks "what'll you have?" The mime leaps from the bar stool and begins hopping, six feet in the air, back and forth across the bar. Zubaz looks at the bartender and says "He would like a Grasshopper." at which point the mime takes his seat again, smiling.
The bartender looks at the second mime and asks 'What'll you have?" The mime jumps up on the bar and goes into a low crouch, arms folded and begins kicking his legs as he hops. He kicks beer mugs back into the wall and sends the peanuts all across the floor. The bartender starts yelling and Zubaz interupts..."He'll have a White Russian." at which point the second mime takes his seat, smiling.
The bartender, a little upset, looks at the third mime. "And what'll you have?" The mime pulls out a big sandwich bag full of walnuts and pulls out his pecker and immediately begins to masturbate into the bag of walnuts.
"HEY!" the bartender yells. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!?!"
Zubaz looks at the mime and then at the bartender. "He's fucking nuts. He'll drink anything."
They sit at the bar and the bartender asks "What'll you have?"
Zubaz orders a Double Flaming Nipple.
The bartender warily looks at the first mime and asks "what'll you have?" The mime leaps from the bar stool and begins hopping, six feet in the air, back and forth across the bar. Zubaz looks at the bartender and says "He would like a Grasshopper." at which point the mime takes his seat again, smiling.
The bartender looks at the second mime and asks 'What'll you have?" The mime jumps up on the bar and goes into a low crouch, arms folded and begins kicking his legs as he hops. He kicks beer mugs back into the wall and sends the peanuts all across the floor. The bartender starts yelling and Zubaz interupts..."He'll have a White Russian." at which point the second mime takes his seat, smiling.
The bartender, a little upset, looks at the third mime. "And what'll you have?" The mime pulls out a big sandwich bag full of walnuts and pulls out his pecker and immediately begins to masturbate into the bag of walnuts.
"HEY!" the bartender yells. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!?!"
Zubaz looks at the mime and then at the bartender. "He's fucking nuts. He'll drink anything."
zakai1369
Reply #150 Wednesday, July 9, 2008 10:35 PM
Due to the lack of death threats I would assume it is safe to guess he hasn't yet.
Reply #150 Wednesday, July 9, 2008 10:35 PM
Did Zubaz read this?
Due to the lack of death threats I would assume it is safe to guess he hasn't yet.
Wizard1956
Reply #152 Friday, July 11, 2008 9:00 AM
Reply #152 Friday, July 11, 2008 9:00 AM
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Our Government Is Trying To Correct This Problem
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Our Government Is Trying To Correct This Problem
PoSmedley
Reply #153 Friday, July 11, 2008 5:19 PM
Большое спасибо Вам, мой друг.
Reply #153 Friday, July 11, 2008 5:19 PM
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Большое спасибо Вам, мой друг.
ALMonty
Reply #154 Friday, July 11, 2008 6:31 PM
Reply #154 Friday, July 11, 2008 6:31 PM
Alcohol Warning Labels:
1. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
2. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
3. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to strangle you.
5. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
6. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex is really dying for you to call them at 4:00 in the morning.
7. Consumption of alcohol may cause serious rug burns on the forehead and chin area.
8. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really big guy named Bubba.
9. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
10. Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to disappear.
11. Consumption of alcohol may result in pregnancy.
12. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.
1. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
2. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
3. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to strangle you.
5. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
6. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex is really dying for you to call them at 4:00 in the morning.
7. Consumption of alcohol may cause serious rug burns on the forehead and chin area.
8. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really big guy named Bubba.
9. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
10. Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to disappear.
11. Consumption of alcohol may result in pregnancy.
12. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.
Wizard1956
Reply #155 Friday, July 11, 2008 7:25 PM
Reply #155 Friday, July 11, 2008 7:25 PM
13.Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can drive better and faster than Mario Andretti.
14.Consumption of alcohol may lead to a sudden increase in gravity.
14.Consumption of alcohol may lead to a sudden increase in gravity.
ALMonty
Reply #156 Friday, July 11, 2008 7:47 PM
Reply #156 Friday, July 11, 2008 7:47 PM
I think your #14 is covered by #7
15.Consumption of alcohol may make you pray to the porcelain god.
15.Consumption of alcohol may make you pray to the porcelain god.
starkers
Reply #157 Friday, July 11, 2008 10:45 PM
Reply #157 Friday, July 11, 2008 10:45 PM
16. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you're great at karaoke.
17. Consumption of alcohol may cause brewers droop... despite the illusion that you're one very studly 'casanova'
18. Consumption of alcohol may cause vertigo and/or the ceiling to spin.
19. Instant idiot... just add alcohol.
20 Consumption of alcohol may lead you to say things like "I'm not as think as you drunk I am".
17. Consumption of alcohol may cause brewers droop... despite the illusion that you're one very studly 'casanova'
18. Consumption of alcohol may cause vertigo and/or the ceiling to spin.
19. Instant idiot... just add alcohol.
20 Consumption of alcohol may lead you to say things like "I'm not as think as you drunk I am".
jebro
Reply #159 Sunday, July 13, 2008 10:41 AM
Reply #159 Sunday, July 13, 2008 10:41 AM
20. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to say things like "I'm not as think as you drunk I am".
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Reply #141 Wednesday, July 2, 2008 2:08 PM
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Tran substantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.