When I was fourteen, living in Philadelphia, I cam across my first ‘geek-national holiday’. I was walking through the Temple University campus and started noticing flyers posted everywhere that promoted ‘Wear Blue Jeans If You Gay’ day. I was fourteen. I had enough problems at school. I had a kid named Mark Ashton that beat the shit out of once a year. I could walk into school and know that that day would be the day. This went on from first grade up through high school. I made sure I didn’t wear jeans on that particular day. I didn’t have a problem with ‘Gays’ but I was sure Mark Ashton might. Especially if it gave him a reason to beat me up.



Today, we have hundreds of these geek holidays. So many, it’s become confusing and difficult to keep up with all of them. The latest is this ‘Shut It Down’ day. It’s coming up. On March 24th, we are all supposed to shut down our computers for the day. Excuse me while I snort heartily into my sleeve.



I will not be shutting down. For me, it will be like the day after Labor Day when I lived along the shore in a little tourist town. I used to walk the streets and relish in the peace and quiet. I would bask in the empty streets and sidewalks. The empty boardwalk. Finally being able to park my car in front of my damn house and not 6 blocks away at a fire hydrant. I will surf the internet much the same that day as the rest of you shut down.



But why stop there. I mean, there are so many of these holidays, why not combine them all into one to end the confusion. Here is what I propose.



We’ll set the date for April second. Why? Because I have yet to find one that falls on that day and it would be a great follow up to ‘All Fool’s Day’. On April second, we will celebrate the following all at once.



The Great American Smoke Out (3rd Thursday of November)…let’s start the day healthy, right? Now, you will have a choice of riding your bicycle (Bike to Work Week- May) or riding your motorcycle (Bike To Work Day – July) but remember we will also be celebrating Take Your Kid To Work Day (4th Thursday in April) so allow for an extra passenger.



We will also be celebrating Whacking Day (may 10th- you WHACK snakes…watch The Simpsons why dontcha) and Weasel Stomping Day (June 31st, which doesn’t exist on the calendar so this had to be fixed) and you can do both while celebrating Talk Like A Pirate Day (Sept. 19th) as well.



Now, we may run into a problem with Talk Like A Pirate Day , because we will also be celebrating No Alcohol Day (April 28th) and as Pirate you will naturally want to be inebriated. However, fear not, because we will also be celebrating National Cannabis Day (April 20th) and you can forget being hung-over!



Now, should you run into problems because you are celebrating all these Holidays at once you have the excuse of National Blame Someone Else Day (The 1st Friday the 13th of every year) and you can blame the person nearest you who refuses to participate in any of this. We will also be celebrating Stupid Question Day (September 28th) so, should you be confronted with questions about your behavior, just answer with a question. A stupid question!



For example…



“Bob, just what the fuck do you think your doing?”



You reply…



“Why do my nipples throb every time you break wind?”



And just for good measure, we will also be celebrating Opposite Day (January 25th) where you can say the complete opposite of everything you mean.



For example..



You are asked..



“Bob, just what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”



You reply…



“Why when I break wind, do your nipples throb?”



Then we can throw in Festivus (Dec. 23rd) and the ‘Feats of Strength’ and the ‘Airing of the Grievances’ for good measure. (It was made up, after all, like all these other’s, so why not?)



Now, you may be wondering what to wear. Well, if your Gay, wear jeans, of course. (National Coming Out Day June 25th) or if not, then celebrate No Pants Day (Originally May 5th but that was taken, so it was changed to the 4th) and wear any ol’ skirt, dress, boxer shorts, etc., that you want.



There you have it. We can talk like pirates while not drinking or smoking (unless you choose cannabis) while whacking snakes and stomping weasels in dresses. Our kids will be with us as we blame everyone else around us (hell, blame the kids, too) and tell our bosses we LOVE kissing their smelly-hiney-wolf asses (opposite day). We can ride our bikes to the ball field to participate in feats of strength and air our grievances to anyone and everyone along the way.



Then the next day, when we turn our computers back on, we can check out YouTube for all the video’s of the people who just snapped from no cigarettes and alcohol and getting fired and arrested. Maybe you will even see yourself! Hell, we could make April 3rd another holiday and call it National Day After I Fucked Myself Day! First though, I think we need to add some more to April 2nd.



And in case you’re wondering what the hell can you do with your computer if it’s turned off…..check this out.