Good one!

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor" says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor.

''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.

"She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped, "That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don’t, do you, dear?"

"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!"

The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

If At First You Don't Succeed . . . Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now.

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in most states.

Equality!! If men and women were created equal, a judge in capital crime cases would have to make sure that women were hung like men

What do you call the children of couch potatoes? Tator Tots

Definition of a Dance: A navel engagement without the loss of semen.

I don't understand how I got over the hill! -- without ever being on top

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without"

  CLASSIC!

Paddy and the Jigsaw
Paddy walks through town one day when he spots an interesting looking box in a shop window.

He enters the shop, grabs the box and gives it a shake.
Paddy thinks to himself 'God, this must be some sort of million piece jigsaw'. He buys the jigsaw.

When he arrives home, he pours the jigsaw out accross the table. But all of the pieces are the same. Paddy tries turning them over but they still all look the same. So he decides to ring up his mate Patrick.

'Hello Patrick?'

'Hello Paddy!'

'Patrick I've got a bit of a problem. I've bought this million piece jigsaw and all of the pieces look the same.

'Well have you tried turning them over Paddy?'

'Yes,yes I've tried that andthey still all look the same.'

'OK I'll come round to your house in a minute, but tell me one more thing, what's on the front of the box?'

'Oh, some sort of cockerel.'

When Patrick arrives at Paddy's, he takes him through to the living room where the jigsaw is laid out accross the table.

'You see Patrick, this is my million piece jigsaw with all the pieces that look the same.'

And Patrick says...

'Paddy,that's a box of corn flakes!!!'

3 nuns die
3 nuns die in a car crash and they go up to heaven and Peters at the gate and he says before you come in i'm afraid you will have to answer a question so he says to the first nun don't worry the questions are very easy so he asks what was the name of the first woman and she says Eve and he says yep your in then he says to the second nun where did eve live and she says Garden of eden and he said yep your in then he says to the third nun which was the mother superior i'm affraid the question is going to have to be a bit harder for you so he asks what did Eve say when she first saw Adam and the nun says ooh thats a hard one and peter says yep your in

3 nuns
there were 3 nuns in the church 2 were crying 1 was laughing the preist walked up 2 a crying 1 and said 'why are u crying' the nun said i killed some 1 ,the priest said go drink from the holy water so he went up 2 the 2nd crying nun and said why are u crying she said' i stole a car' and he told her to drink from the holy water 2 then went up 2 the laughing nun and said why are u laughing she said' i peed in the holy water'

Mental Health Day!

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
   
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
   
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
   
   
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
   
   
Happy Mental Health Day!
   
   
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...
   
   
Done my part!!!

HAHAHHAHAHAAHA......Yep...there's a skin in there somewhere. Heck! A whole new OS.

After their 11th child, a very "rural"  couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Just happened on this today Funny as sh__t

Kasiola

Sometimes you can reach too far!

And when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of....

There is one thing you should always remember......

Not everyone who shows up......

Is there to help you!!!!

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away.
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.
" Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

@WG & Shaunna:    

====================================================================================

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration

Erotic lustfulness

Loss of motor control

Loss of clothing

Loss of money

Loss of virginity

Attraction to the same sex

Table dancing

Headache

Dehydration

Dry mouth

And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.

i started out with nothing,and still got loads of it left.