Joke Central
please add your own, we all can use a laugh
Thursday, February 7, 2008 by Keila | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."
What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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Reply #322 Monday, December 29, 2008 5:07 AM
Safe Holiday Eating:
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.
Reply #323 Monday, December 29, 2008 6:56 AM
In a Thick Fog
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
Reply #325 Monday, December 29, 2008 10:13 AM
THE WEDDING NIGHT
Paul and Mary get married
but couldn't afford a honeymoon -
so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house
for their first night together.
In the morning
Johnny - Paul's little brother -
gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door
to go to school - he asks his mom
if Paul and Mary are up yet.
She replies - No.
Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - I don't want to hear
what you think !
Just go to school.
Johnny comes home for lunch
and asks his mom -
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
She replies - No.
Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - Never mind what you think !
Eat your lunch and go back to school .
After school - Johnny comes home and asks again -
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
His mom says - No.
He asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think
He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think..
I gave him my airplane glue.
Reply #326 Monday, December 29, 2008 10:15 AM
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day
trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be
hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife
started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is
this? Where have you been?'
'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on
and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar
ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off
for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable
sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife
answered and was told that her husband's client , James Wright, had
been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had,
she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the
sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Reply #327 Monday, December 29, 2008 1:28 PM
There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,
"I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
Reply #328 Thursday, January 15, 2009 10:24 AM
There have been so many great jokes in here. Thanks to all who have posted.
Reply #329 Thursday, January 15, 2009 10:24 AM
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE---I'M BROKE
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open . "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
Reply #330 Thursday, January 15, 2009 10:40 AM
Why does California have a lot of lawyers and New Jersey a lot of landfills?
--New Jersey had first pick.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?"
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
Reply #331 Thursday, January 15, 2009 10:58 AM
Honest Bumper Stickers:
-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.
-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
-- I brake for no apparent reason.
-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.
-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.
-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Reply #332 Thursday, January 15, 2009 11:04 AM
(It's coming)
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says
(Wait for it
(Ya ready?)
(Don't hate me)
(Ya gonna hate me
'He should've quit while he was a head!'
Reply #333 Thursday, January 15, 2009 11:14 AM
Beer Drinking Troubleshooting:
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to satisfy and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks hideous.
FAULT: Either you haven't had enough to drink, or they've flipped on the lights for last call.
lol thats a good one wizard 
Reply #335 Thursday, January 15, 2009 11:58 AM
I just 
this thread!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Reply #336 Thursday, January 15, 2009 12:26 PM
Pool of alligators
There was once a millionaire who collected a large amount of alligators as pets. One day when he held a party he came up with a proposition. He said if anyone could swim across the alligator infested pool and emerge unharmed he would pay them $1 million or give them his daughter, a supermodel.
Immediately after he finished saying this he heard a splash and the entire crowd watched and cheered as the young man swam quickly across the pool, and emerged unharmed.
The millionaire was amazed but said that he would hold up his end of the bargain.
"Well", he said,"do you want the $1 million or my daughter? The young man answered, "Sir, I don't want your money or your daughter, I just want to know who the hell pushed me into that pool."
Reply #339 Thursday, January 15, 2009 1:28 PM
Hospital Patient
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"
The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."
Reply #340 Thursday, January 15, 2009 2:24 PM
A quiet Round of Golf
A man staggered into the casualty department of a hospital, he had severe concussion, two black eyes, multiple bruising and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asked him "What happened to you?"
The man managed to croak..."Well, my wife and I were having a quiet round of golf, we were playing the eighth..., a difficult hole at the best of times....., anyway, we both sliced our balls into a field full of cattle. We went to look for them and as we were walking round, I noticed that one of the cows had something white at it's rear end. I went over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's initials on it....stuck right in the centre of the cow's f***y.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife "Hey this looks like yours! "
I don't remember much after that....
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On His Deathbed
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family, a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic but, the fourth and youngest is small and ugly.
Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine.
I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."
The wife gently interrupts him.
"Yes my dearest absolutely no question I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy.
The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
======================================================================
Love or Lust
How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.
LOVE - when intercourse is called making love.
LUST - all other times.
MARRIAGE - what's intercourse?
LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - when you argue over money.
LOVE - when you share everything you own.
LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything.
LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - what's a climax?
LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday".
LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.
LOVE - when you write poems about your partner.
LUST - when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - when all you write is cheques.
LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST - when you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling ...".
LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?".
MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent.
LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake.
LOVE - when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE - when nobody else matters.
LUST - when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - when it's just the same mushy old shit.
MARRIAGE - when you never listen to music.
LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST - when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE - when you're not interested in what your partner does
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Reply #321 Monday, December 1, 2008 1:58 PM
Practice Safe Fax:
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.
Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.
Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.
Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.