Sorry Al Monty! Hadn't seen it!

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
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Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
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Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
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Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
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Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
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Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.
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Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.
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Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.
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Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.
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Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
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Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.
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Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

New Financial Terms :

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET - A 6-to-18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

Is this wrong?

There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"

Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html

Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)

You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.

Your best friend is someone you've never met.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

Your dog has its own home page.

So does your gold fish.

Three men lived together a son, a father and a grandfather.  One evening the son gets bored and goes down the pub around 7.00 pm and doesn't get home again 'til 2.00 in the morning, and the father says: "Son, where have you been all this time we've been worried about you?"

"Well it's like this, dad, I met up with an old flame and we went back to her place for drinks... and one thing led to another. Oh, and what passion!"

A few nights later the father gets bored and goes down the pub around 6.30. pm and doesn't get home until 9.00 am the next morning, and the gandfather says: "Son, where have you been all this time, we've been worried sick about you?"

"We'll it's like this, dad, I went down the pub and met an old flame, and after a few drinks we decided to get a room.... and what passion, what passion"

About a week later the grandfather gets bored and decides to go to the pub, but he's gone for 5 days and the son and grandson are frantic with worry, so when he gets home they both front him: "Well where the hell have you been all this time, we've been going out of our minds with worry?

"Well it's like this, I went to the pub and met an old flame, who asked me back to her place to catch up on 'old times'.... oh and what patience, what patience.

It can't?   

@Starkers:

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." Then they told me "No one is perfect."

So I stopped practicing.

Is this allegorical?

Moose Hunting

Two Swedes - Sven and Ole - got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
Sven and Ole objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same type plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded.
Even on full power, however, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck Sven asked Ole, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah ai tink vi are pretty close to vere vi crashed last year."

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son

Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma

Very similar to "A Letter From An Irish Mother To Her Son"... only in that one there was: "Yer Uncle Paddy joined the IRA last week and died yesterday trying to blow up a car parked outside a police station... he burnt his lips something awful on the exhaust pipe, but it was the fumes that eventually took him."

To replies #258 & #259

  After burner

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes..........nothing, she's been told twice.    ( I'm gonna get it for that)

How many battered women does it take to put in a light bulb........just one, if the _______ knows whats good for her.   ( The devil made me do it)

Ladies, if you're reading this, I am not a male chauvinist pig, I just like jokes.

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrea......salad shooter. 

What do you call a fat lady with a yeast infection.....a whopper with cheese.   (There goes my promotion)

Umm...

And yer cahoneys when yer missus finds out. LOL

One for Starkers

Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Pirate Movie...

10) Parrot infects entire cast with deadly Bird Flu

09) The swashbuckling lead character is named "Gilligan"

08) Pirate wears eye patch because of nasty racquetball injury

07) "Ship" is a 1992 Toyota Corolla

06) It stars Johnny Depp's cousin, Carl Depp

05) Long discussions about which is the best over-the-counter seasickness remedy

04) It chronicles the hero's attempt to open a Long John Silver's franchise

03) Instead of hook, pirate's missing hand replaced by giant "We're #1" foam finger

02) Pirates square off against those hilarious Geico cavemen

01) It's basically "Brokeback Mountain" on a boat

Not if you're alone at the time, I suppose.

A: What could be worse than biting into a sandwitch and finding a rat inside?

Q: Biting into a sandwitch and finding half a rat inside.