This is a old one I still had around.

~Interesting Facts~
 
 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you
 would have produced  enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
 (Hardly seems worth it)
 
 If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
 enough gas is produced to  create the energy of an    atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)
 
 A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next
 life I want to be a pig)
 (How'd they figure this out, and why?)
 
 Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories
 an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing) (Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)
 
 Humans and dolphins are the only species that have
 sex for pleasure.(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't
 seem fair)
 
 Right-handed people live, on average, nine years
 longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
 
 The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull
 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
 
 Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....? Who
 cares? How'd they find out, ask them?)
 
 The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
 (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
 
 The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's
 like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine? And why pigs?)
 
 A cockroach will live nine days without its head,
 before it starves to death. (Creepy)
 
 The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its
 head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's
 head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....) (Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
 
 Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next
 life I still want to be a lion-pig)
 
 Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez)
(That's almost as bad as catfish)
 
 An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know
 some people like that.)
 
 Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like
 that too.)
 
 After reading all these, all I can say is. . .

               Lucky Pigs.

Kiss the Cabbie... A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can do."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Um... with all the curried cabbage in my diet, I've been farting consitently for the last 35 years.  So, does that qualify me as a nulear arsenal.

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
 

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
 

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
 

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
 

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

 A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

 Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

A lawyer and a Mexican are sitting next to each other on a long flight.  

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

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 Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.
Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky.
Nothing is broken. But you need to relax...
Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

ALMonty:

What? I thought it was funny.

Me too... pictured the whole thing in my mind (the gyno's funeral) and near peed myself.

Eww  

Um, Pixeleo, like um, you can't picture it and see the funny side???   Oh, and I DID NOT nearly pee myself, it's just another way of saying I had a good belly laugh over the joke.

It would have been really funny if he said he was a Proctologist.

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."

And of course, given my wickedly wacky mind/sense of humour, it'd have to open with one ginormous fart for authenticity/a bit of realism so the mourners know exactly what he had to contend with professionally.   I had anoth.... almost had another thought, but even my warped sense of humour couldn't cope with the visual of that one.

 An Aussie bloke goes to the UK on a working holiday and scores himself this great
position as a sales assistant at the famous Harrods department store the very day
he lands in London. The next day he goes to work and is called to the manager's
office just before closing time to assess his first day's taking and sales ability.

The manager asks him: "So how many sales did you make today, Marty?"

Marty replies nervously: "Um, just the one, sir"

"You were here all day and you only made one sale?" the manager angrily retorts.

"Yes sir.... I sold a fishing hook..."

"What, just a fishing hook?"

"Well not just a fishing hook, sir, I sold him some line a couple of reels and rods as well"

That's a little better, but is that all you managed to sell all day?"

No sir, I then sold him a tackle box; a fish finder;, life jackets; wading boots; a short wave
radio; a radar/sonar system; a fish fridge........"

What! You sold him ALL THAT STUFF?"

Yes sir, and a 22' boat, a trailer to take it to the boat ramp and a Land Rover 4WD to tow it with.

"Really?" said the manager: "You managed to sell him 450, 000 pounds worth of stuff when he came in here just for a fish hook?"

"Nah, he came in to buy tampons for his wife, and I said:  'Well if you're weekend's fucked, you might just as well go fishing.' "