I need a joke today
I'll start
Tuesday, June 6, 2017 by BigDogBigFeet | Discussion: Life, the Universe and Everything
Signs seen at the restaurant workers' pep rally.
"EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS AFTER THEY PICK IT"
"NO CRACK MINING AT THE KID'S MEAL STATION"
"PLEASE DON'T SNEEZE IN THE CARRY OUT BAGS"
"REMEMBER TO SMILE AND SAY WELCOME TO FLUFFY'S FOOT LONGS"
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Reply #163 Saturday, December 31, 2022 11:44 PM
A new years message:
Screwed, glued and tattooed.
Get a hobby before it is to late.
Reply #164 Sunday, January 1, 2023 12:12 AM
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
Love,
Mom.
Reply #165 Wednesday, January 4, 2023 9:23 PM
Every time you think to call your girl friend and are about to call, the phone rings and it is your girl friend calling you.
During the call she complains that you never call her.
Reply #168 Saturday, January 21, 2023 8:58 AM
When you get mad, take a deep breath and count to ten. Throw a punch at eight. No-one ever expect that.
Reply #169 Saturday, January 21, 2023 9:38 AM
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted my baby and me!”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Don't worry, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Reply #171 Sunday, January 22, 2023 9:07 PM
On a clear day I can see things 100 miles away, on a clear night I can see things 6 quadrillion miles away.
Reply #175 Wednesday, March 1, 2023 2:33 AM
An old man was kneeling at a headstone and was weeping, "Why did you have to die? My life has been hell every day. Sometimes I want to end it all!".
A young guy stopped and asked the old man, "Who died, gramps?"
"My wife's first husband."
Reply #177 Thursday, March 16, 2023 8:25 PM
"A future that affects the past."
While living in a future relative to a past that you remember experiencing you realize
that the past that you didn't enjoy at the time was better than the future that you are now experiencing
and you wish you could go back to the past.
Reply #178 Friday, March 17, 2023 7:28 PM
You have heard the term "over the hill" this occurs when you realize that your future can never be better than your past.
Someone else's future can still be better.
Reply #180 Monday, March 27, 2023 9:46 PM
Cause and effect, sometime after an effect is observed a search for the cause begins.
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Reply #161 Tuesday, December 20, 2022 7:19 PM
LOL@Seth!