I need a joke today

I'll start

Tuesday, June 6, 2017 by BigDogBigFeet | Discussion: Life, the Universe and Everything

Signs seen at the restaurant workers' pep rally.

 

"EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS AFTER THEY PICK IT"

"NO CRACK MINING AT THE KID'S MEAL STATION"

"PLEASE DON'T SNEEZE IN THE CARRY OUT BAGS"

"REMEMBER TO SMILE AND SAY WELCOME TO FLUFFY'S FOOT LONGS"

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JCurie
Reply #121 Monday, September 19, 2022 6:56 PM

What is the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

Tell her the sex is boring and you want her to bring a friend.  One of two things will happen. 

A] She'll get mad at you and break up with you.

Or

B] She'll bring a friend in that case she's worth going out with a little while longer. 😉

DrJBHL
Reply #122 Tuesday, September 20, 2022 3:52 AM

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse Myra, was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, Murray finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry", the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining but eventually Murray rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?", asked the doctor.

Angrily, Murray answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed, "Not with a daffodil."

redskittlesonly
Reply #123 Friday, September 23, 2022 12:16 PM

What kind of chips and cheese aren't yours?

............

NAH-CHOS!

RedneckDude
Reply #124 Friday, September 23, 2022 10:24 PM

Difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

 

 

Prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again!!

DrJBHL
Reply #125 Friday, September 23, 2022 10:54 PM

“Hi Max. This is Jim, your next door neighbor.
I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.
When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great.
I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me, Jim"

Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Jim dead.
He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.


Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Jim.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE :
"Hi, Max. Jim here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife."
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.”

RedneckDude
Reply #126 Saturday, September 24, 2022 6:37 AM

DrJBHL

Hi Max. This is Jim, your next door neighbor.
Jim, eh?  lol  

DrJBHL
Reply #127 Saturday, September 24, 2022 7:34 AM

RedneckDude


Quoting DrJBHL,

Hi Max. This is Jim, your next door neighbor.

Jim, eh?  lol  

🤣

Disclaimer: My intent is pure (don't add any nouns after the word) only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional comedy, and is subject to my Terms of Use.

JCurie
Reply #128 Saturday, September 24, 2022 1:20 PM

Two Polacks, Hank and Stan were mowing their lawn.

Stan yelled over to Hank, "Ha ha Hank I saw you making love to your wife last night you left the curtains open!"

Hank yelled back at Stan, "The jokes on you Stan, I wasn't home last night." 

JCurie
Reply #129 Saturday, September 24, 2022 1:27 PM

A midget is sitting at a bar when a big guy walks in smacks him on the shoulder and knocks him to the floor. The midget gets up with tears in his eyes and says, "why did you hit me?

The big guy says," That was a karate chop from Korea."

The next day the midget is sitting at the bar again the big guy walks in smacks the midget on the other shoulder and knocks him to the floor. The midget gets up and says again, "what did you hit me for?" The big guy says that was a Judo chop from Vietnam"

The next day the big guy walks in the bar and doesn't see the Midget he sits down and tells the bartender to give him a beer. The bartender turns to get a beer and here's a loud whack he turns around and the big guy is lying passed out on the floor his head is bleeding and the midget is standing there smiling. The midget says to the bartender,  "Tell that guy when he wakes up that was crowbar from Home Depot." 

Aussie007
Reply #130 Monday, September 26, 2022 12:26 AM

DrJBHL
Reply #131 Sunday, October 2, 2022 8:13 AM

It's how you ask . . .

Mike Ross is lying in bed in a hospital wearing an oxygen mask tightly over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse soon appears and gives him a partial sponge bath."Nurse," mumbles Mike from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Mr Ross. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."Mike struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that Mike might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, the nurse overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises Mike's gown, moves his manhood to one side, looks very closely at his testicles and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Mr Ross, "they look fine."

Mike looks at her for a few seconds, then slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says, very distinctly, "Thank you very much nurse. That was wonderful. You have very soft and silky hands. But now listen very, very carefully to what I'm saying: Are - my - test - results - back?"

DrJBHL
Reply #132 Sunday, October 2, 2022 11:13 PM
Dear David,
 
I have been unable to sleep since I persuaded you to break off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your tattoos and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live in a caravan park.
 
Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Oxford University, after all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool.
I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
 
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law
 
P.S. Congratulations on winning the triple rollover Euromillions.
DrJBHL
Reply #133 Monday, October 3, 2022 9:54 PM

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the #@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.

Aussie007
Reply #134 Tuesday, October 4, 2022 10:39 PM

RedneckDude
Reply #135 Thursday, October 6, 2022 8:06 AM
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside.
She began to massage him.
She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!”
RedneckDude
Reply #136 Saturday, October 8, 2022 6:33 AM
As the bus pulled up at the bus stop and it was her turn to get on, Melissa became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to raise to the height of the first step of the bus:
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the third time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
At this point, a large bodybuilder who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled. "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The bodybuilder smiled and drawled. "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends!"
Iben
Reply #137 Monday, October 17, 2022 10:08 PM

Here is a football play joke.

Shotgun formation 31 dive double barrel shotgun on 3.

Break.

 

Aussie007
Reply #138 Wednesday, October 26, 2022 12:46 AM

Aussie007
Reply #139 Thursday, October 27, 2022 12:14 AM

DrJBHL
Reply #140 Thursday, October 27, 2022 12:59 AM

Sam Connors went to see his doctor about having a vasectomy.


His Doctor said, " That's a pretty big decision, have you talked it over with your family?"


"Yes," Sam replied, "They're in favor of it, 14 to 3."

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